It is extremely important to me that I should not feel impotent at any stage in my life. It is not the question of physical impotence, but the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that engulfs us at various moments in our lives. I have grown up with this strong sense of justice instilled within me and out of all the teachings of the Mahatma, that I have dismissed one stays strongly etched in my psyche – “it is an equal sin to tolerate injustice as it is to commit injustice unto others”. In fact, I think I live life trying to balance the scales of justice, in all my interactions and in this I am my harshest critic.Recently I was assailed by anxiety in the middle of the night… I was engulfed by a feeling of suffocation and frustration – insomnia claimed me for itself. The evening had been a terrible one and I had walked away from a family visit feeling attacked and targeted for no fault of mine. All of us have felt that often others have taken advantage of our silence, and our reluctance to openly conflict and refute an aggressive person, and continued their onslaught on our dignity. This can happen in many situations, in a family gathering where power is unbalanced, at an office meeting when one or the other colleague is unduly aggressive or even amongst peers and siblings when we find ourselves heckled by a particularly manipulative person who twists our words to ridicule us.
In all these situations, all that we walk away with is a feeling of being unheard, our sense of being wronged, unacknowledged and dismissed and to add insult to injury our own helplessness at not being able to stand up for oneself. Is it any surprise then that I could not sleep?
The beauty of such situations is summed up in two simple words “impotent anger”…
The cards are very eloquent about impotent anger. As always they dwell in the root cause of all phenomena. The cards tell their own story – a plethora of cards turn up in a beautiful sequence of events; the emperor, the 5 of cups, the ten of wands, the magician, the 3 of swords, 8 of cups, knight of pentacles, and the ten of swords. A daunting tale at best; in this case I will try to explain it from my own experience that evening.
The emperor tells us the that my need to feel important in the family turns to grief with the 5 of cups so mu
ch so that I can only focus on what is spilled, not on what remains. The spread goes on to indicate that I carry the burden of being manipulated. The ten of wands implicates a load that I carry within me – which I do not know how to unburden myself off and the magician in one of its meanings implying a self centered master manipulator, who is unscrupulous in servicing his needs for power and by his clever words can inflict injury. Naturally I walk away from the interaction feeling grief and betrayal (3 of swords) and the 8 of cups – leaving a situation I have invested emotionally in behind in disappointment and disillusionment. To compound insult to injury I am frustrated by my inaction (knight of pentacles) and the 10 of swords tell its own tale of the end of a false way of looking at a situation & a relationship and hence residual grief.To cut a complicated story short – it is a family which I have invested in immensely and despite all my efforts there is a master manipulator amongst us who gets the better of me each time. The accompanying feelings of grief, betrayal & disappointment are no surprise. To compound this matter I carry within me an earlier conditioning that needs me to feel powerful in family situations and when I am unable to stand up for myself I feel frustrated and suffocated. I have been so blinded by my own need for power that I am unable to see the situation for what it really is.
The cards go on to advice me that this is an inheritance/ baggage of the past (6 o
f cups) and hence I am unable to move beyond my prior experiences. It also indicates that I have the Sun, which is success, fulfillment and child like joy in my relationship with my husband the King of cups and it is time for the need to revoke the empress within me – to quote my earlier writings on the empress “almost always signifies a need to nurture your own self (not others), to rejuvenate your spirits, tap into your creative side and extend love and understanding that you would as a mother to your anxious child to yourself”.I think the message is pretty clear – whenever we have felt unheard follow the tarots in clear simple steps:
- Do not punish yourself for feeling impotent – focus on validating your own anger – “I do have the right to be angry and I did not react in that situation because it would have been detrimental for my dignity, not because I am a loser and a weakling”. Also we forget that silence is the most powerful of all weapons. Often manipulation when faced with silence rather than retaliation can render itself impotent. So we may not have walked away from the situation as dis-empowered as we think.
- Think of the positive relationships in that situation that have been nurturing for you and validate your anger with them. Share your feelings of distress with them and ask for another perspective.
- Ask yourself a difficult situation – is all the impotence I feel only related to the current experience or do I carry some emotional baggage that makes me feel dis-empowered and helpless in such situations. Accept the emotional burden and lay it to rest separating it from the present.
- Once you have gone through this process – you will be able to take the necessary action to feel the emperor within you – powerful in your negotiations for your won self. It does not matter that you were unable to retaliate just then as long as you are able to set the wrong right for yourself, its perfectly alright – even if it is only later.
No comments:
Post a Comment