Helplessness or a Choice...

Marriages are made in heaven and you can’t choose where you are born. Old adages which point us towards the helplessness of our fates, and unravel the control we may wish to have over our destiny. So the big question then is, are we that helpless or are these choices we make? If you care to read Brian Weiss’s ‘Many Lives and Many Masters’ – he claims that the soul in its afterlife chooses to be born into specific lifetimes to learn the lessons that it needs most, to move towards ultimate assimilation into the universe – nirvana or salvation as life describes.

The tarots are not silent on this either – the tarot card the World is nothing but a sorting of the chaos and conclusion of cycles of learning. It is a state where you stay suspended in the glory of peace and abundance and enjoy the fruits of having completed a long arduous journey. The fool in its search for this ultimate merging with the universe has lost much and gained wisdom through that loss, he has learnt to use that wisdom to temper his choices and actions, he has died and reinvented himself into a new being and finally arrived at this destination. It is now his time to rest and enjoy the fruits of his labor and bask in the wondrous world of wishes fulfilled. Isn’t that the ultimate goal for all of us in all pursuits in our life?

So how then do we explain our failures to ourselves? The challenge lies in what we describe as a failure… For Rayisa, her failure lies in the grief she carries within herself. An inexplicable heart wrenching, ear splitting screaming grief that wells up most suddenly and unexpectedly. In a perfectly happy moment when she is surrounded by the warmth of love and belongingness, the grief storms into her heart and she begins to feel as if a giant mill stone is pressing down on her chest threatening to push the last breath out of her lungs. She begins to believe that she is all alone and ill fated and even her happiest moments are tainted by the all engulfing pain she has carried within her self.

Rayisa is not alone in this feeling. Many of us share this aloneness we carry within us, which differentiates us from the rest of the seemingly “happy” world. The reasons for this grief can be several; once again a loss of someone you dearly loved, the pain of separation/betrayal by a loved one, just coping with the tattered remnants of a failed relationship or the sheer grief of a robbed childhood, but the grip this shattering emotion has on us is pretty much the same for all the situations described above. The grip is so strong and so enticing that it colors how we perceive the world.

Such is the dilemma that faces Rayisa. In the last decade or so she has visited many a healer, pranic and otherwise, consumed kilos of sugar, tried binging and then alternately starving, crying copiously and then chasing a high life in the hope of numbing the grief she carries within herself. Needless to say she has succeeded – she is anesthetized, she enjoys life to the full, keeps herself busy and is very happy with whom she has turned out to be. But the grief within her has a few tricks up its; every time she is happy she feels something is missing from her life – as if she misses a certain part to herself. She begins to feel dull and just a little less alive. Then comes a cataclysmic event – something that upsets her life and creates upheavals in her otherwise peaceful existence – she is overwhelmed by the circumstances and overcome with distress, natural and otherwise. But to her surprise she feels whole again, she is alive and in a strange way at home. This is familiar ground for Rayisa – an emergency situation she has been trained to cope with… her senses are sharp and adrenalin is pumping. She is ready to cope with what life has to dole out to her even if it is harsh. Such are the games that our emotions can play with us.

Would it be fair of Rayisa to call her life a failure just because she carries grief within her heart? Does it mean that Rayisa will only be whole when miserable? And does it finally imply that she should hate herself for feeling the way she does?

Let’s see what the tarots have to say for her. They say simply, be like the fool – allow yourself the chance to make a fresh new beginning yet again, again and again, no matter how many chances it takes without judging yourself as a failure. No one has been able to make themselves feel better by deriding themselves – the only way is to engage in those things that make you approve of your own self for now – those simple things like reading a book, a drink with friends, or just a warm bath, that give you joy. Remind yourself that this devilish grief belongs to a cataclysmic event in your life – whatever that may be – and is a revisit to the past.

Does that mean that there is no problem to deal with currently? Of course there is – the death card points her to a challenge she needs to face and accept in her present life. She is terribly angry with her husband for not being able to stand up for her time and again in offending situations. She knows he has difficult issues to deal with – but does that mean she is not allowed to be angry? But the cards tell her not to worry – the world has appeared followed by the ace of coins. The world that signifies the settling of all chaos and the ace of coins pointing to a fresh new beginning! The cards are telling her – differentiate between anger with your current circumstances and the grief you can feel in your heart. The intensity of pain you can feel when faced with an upheaval is not commensurate with the reality of the circumstance. Such is the cross people like Rayisa have to bear.

Can Rayisa hate herself for this seeming failure? She has a choice – she can choose to be helpless when faced with this circumstance and hate herself even more, or she can actually just accept herself for who she is. The question Rayisa has to ask herself – who is actually judging her for being who she is? The answer will provide a clue to how she will resolve this. Some people around her perhaps, or maybe the amorphous society at large? Some of these are people who don’t really matter and whose opinion bears no value in her life, yet there may be some who influence her life.

The truth lies in the fact that many such people carry the burden of grief themselves, scratch the surface and there will be an outpouring of lava, and because they are judging themselves harshly for carrying the lava within they will judge Rayisa similarly. Yet others who may seem perfectly at peace are just numb to their own condition, and Rayisa’s forthright acceptance of her own grief threatens to disturb their carefully balanced and fiercely guarded anesthetized state. Naturally she is to be judged and derided.

I think what the tarots point us towards is real mental health and true healing provided by the temperance card. The healing which accepts you for who you are, the strong with the weak, and allows you to be at peace with oneself, not the precarious balance of the two of swords which can be unbalanced by the mere hint/glimpse of reality. Those who are happy within never feel the need to judge others for their crosses and extend the same kindness to others that they do to themselves.


So, she knows that she does carry the burden of grief – but the world indicates that it will pass – there will be a resolution – but in the meantime she needs to be kind to herself. She has to learn to approve of the helpless, fragile and sensitive Rayisa as much as she does the Rayisa who loves to live life to its full. Only then will Rayisa have come a full circle and completed her journey from the fool to the world.

when deafness surrounds you...

Our entire generation goes misty eyed about the song “The Sounds of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, which talks about human dependence on technology robbing real communication between people. So true, but something I am also supporting through this blog. But today I am thinking about a slightly more perturbing predicament – imagine a surreal situation where you are screaming in a room full of people surrounded by voices, chatter and the clinging and clanging of real life, but no-one can hear. You scream and you scream, your face turns purple, your breath runs out and the shrillness of your own screeches in your ears makes you fear the cacophony you must be creating, but all those around you continue about their chores as if you and your sounds do no exist. In short, you are surrounded by deafness. Doesn’t it sound like the scary reproduction of B grade horror film – I am afraid I will have to disappoint you, this is real.

Meet Rani, she will tell you about herself. She is a 15 year old very fierce young girl, very smart and way ahead of other students in her grade. She has an idyllic home, loving parents, a sister and doting grandparents. All outsiders who look at her talk about, how she has all that she possibly could want! And she does… Scratch the surface and you will find pain in the young girl’s eyes, why? Rani’s parents encourage their children to talk to them, and so Rani shares the adolescent realities of her world with them.

She tries to talk about the pressures she faces in life, the terrible struggle to stay popular in her school, the social pressures of conforming to the traditions of her family, the do’s and don’ts of good behavior, keeping up the style quotient, her troubles with boys, her emotional upheavals – you name it and she has tried. Each time she opens a little core of her being she finds herself facing judgments and analysis that does not make sense to her. Keeping up with the Joneses is so important in her family that they forget to accommodate for the blossoming eccentricities of their daughter. So much so, that only those opinions and sharing are validated that fit in with their world view, anything slightly different is dismissed as irrelevant crazy ravings of adolescent hormones. Despite having everything she could possibly desire, Rani finds herself getting alienated from her idyllic home.

She soon finds herself feeling run down, ill and racked with weird anxieties and phobias. Her parents are naturally concerned, but after the doctor assures them that Rani is physically fit, they dismiss her illnesses as psychosomatic symptoms of adolescence. For a family that believes in love and support, they can only extend their deafness to their special child.

Rani grows into a strong young woman who has internalized the deafness that surrounds her by being an aggressive person with a distinct difficulty in listening to others herself. She carries that anger within her and extends it to others through rejecting their pleas for a real connection. She works as a really successful career woman in a bank, but is not known for her compassion.

Rani meets Saroj at a club. Saroj is a typical suburban mom. Busy with parenting her little son, they meet at the swimming pool on a weekend and become great friends. They soon discover that Saroj is Rani’s colleague’s (at the bank) wife. Saroj looks forward to coffee weekends with Rani, she feels that Rani’s intensity compliments her milder view of the world. Soon they are really close friends and share confidences with each other.

Saroj’s soothing manner calms Rani and allows her an opportunity to listen to someone else for a change. She sees her friend’s wonderful happy little home and is a little wistful that she has never attempted such a life for herself. They both often laugh that for two people from worlds so far away from each other, they seem to get along so famously.

One day Saroj tells her that her beautiful family is not so wonderful after all. Her accomplished husband and she have experienced great difficulty forming a bond. An overly interfering mother-in-law has prevented the young couple from having a moment of peace. There marital life has been so strife torn that they have not been able to forge that trust that spouses should share before they have their offspring. Saroj’s mildness of manner and conventional upbringing stops her from leaving her home and child. She attempts to explain time and again to her husband, that they should distance themselves just a little from his family of origin and find space for their marital life. But his overwhelming filial love prevents him from seeing sense. Saroj is afraid that this will adversely affect her son and his psyche.

She has tried to communicate this difficulty to her mother in law and their family, but ends up getting adjudged as just “different’ and ‘troubled’. Instead of helping the young wife they end up encouraging their son’s behavior as normal and Saroj’s behavior as ranting of a mad woman. As long as Saroj, tows the line and never every questions the rationale of the family she shall be a good human being else, she is a sinner and a person to be shunned. Support be damned to hell, she ends up being the odd freak to mistrusted and doubted at all times. Despite being in a family she ends up being alone.

Rani hears Saroj’s story and realizes – what they have in common? What is that bond that draws them close? Why despite all the freakish differences they end up finding solace in each other’s company – they share the same distress – the distress of having been surrounded by deafness. Screaming and screaming yourself hollow, to have someone hear but no one does. Why – because people around them do not wish to hear anything that disturbs their own construct of reality, any stimuli which will make them question the logic of their actions threatens to disturb the carefully balanced house of cards they have created for themselves. They have sold their soul to their own ideas and can only hear sounds of silence.

“And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence”

Rani listens in wonder that despite being a sufferer of similar circumstance both their reactions to life have been so definitively different. She shares her story with Saroj – this is perhaps the first time she is telling someone. Saroj hears her and is shaken that her friend with a predilection for strong words and strong statements could be actually hiding a vulnerable child underneath. She convinces Rani – that they should pay a visit to a Tarot healer she has heard of for guidance. Rani who is pretty dismissive of such an idea initially, gives in to her friends wish and decides to accompany her albeit with severe doubt about the worth of such an endeavor. Here’s the guidance that they both receive from the tarots.

Saroj’s Reading

The first layer of her reading says simply – Saroj is coping with severe disappointment at the hands of her family, though a path will soon appear to help her forsake her disappointments and move away from unrest. The cards advice her, to be strong and adamant in the face of adversity and to stand steadfastly besides herself. Any hurried flurry of action can result in the misbalance of the carefully balanced swords. She is living holding her emotions tightly in control and any desperate and impulsive act will only succeed in disturbing her sense of balance.

The second layer focuses Saroj on a simple fact – judgment day is near. “The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that this is a final decision. Either to go forward, or stay where he is. He blows, and the trumpet's song echoes across the sky, its vibrations seeming to crack open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, memories rise. Images of his innocent youth, challenges, loves, failures, losses, success, disillusionment and wisdom. For the first time, he does not try to leave them, ignore or forget them, but accepts them”. Judgment tells her that a moving will only happen if she lets go of the hurts – destiny will deal with those that have harmed – and to feel mercy for herself and others (temperance).

She can find solace and wellness in her strengths – the conversations she has with her friends (page of wands), the appreciation she receives within her group of friends and in society (the 3 of cups), the hard work she is capable of – maybe even try a new opportunity for work and the creativity she has within herself (ace of wands). Embracing these strengths she will regenerate and renew herself. She will provide self nourishment to herself (the empress).

Once she does that justice shall have its day – those that have harmed shall pay dearly for the harm done unto her and her relationship with her husband shall be restored to what it should have been – she will find complete love (2 of cups).

Rani heard and it thought to herself – something any psychologist could have told her. And then it was her turn. She wanted to test the tarots – without telling the reader about herself – get a reading which would help her.

Rani’s reading
The reading begins with the advice – “take hurried action – do not deliberate too much act on an impulse and find a counselor/therapist or a healer to consult with. This is a journey you cannot make alone.” The cards advice Rani to find help through a trained professional who will help her move towards finding love – to find the blessing that we may allow love to flow into our lives. Above all Rani needs to learn to allow herself to be loved – her logical/rational mind overrides her vulnerability – she will definitely need to help to accept that about herself and then feel safe to let others see it.

The second step tells her to show mercy (temperance) to herself and others – to be less harsh in her judgments of other people and reality – to move beyond the betrayal (7 of cups) that her family’s deafness has meted out to her. Once she does that the star will restore her hope for love (refer my earlier post on betrayal for the complete meaning of the star). She has already lost her childhood – she now needs to change the inherited spectacles she uses to look at life and develop a new perspective that comes from wisdom and having survived trying circumstances (hanged man). Only when she gives up her attachment to the earlier way of judging others will she find peace. When faced with adversity in childhood we tend to absorb it as a part of our identity; which them becomes a construct to be questioned.

The last part of the cards deliver a more trying message for Rani – she needs to work hard at managing both her confident and the dark side to herself (chariot). It is a struggle that will not come easy. She will only be able to win the battle through determined effort and realization that it is in times of uncertainty (the moon) that her instincts kick in. She needs to watch herself in insecure situations and learn to accept that she may be vulnerable and that being deaf and aggressive to others view is only one way to dealing with it. The message of love she has learnt from the ace of cups and temperance, in the first part is another manner of dealing with uncertain times.

Given all that she has the full potential of developing into the independent, successful and peaceful individual like the queen of pentacles.

The drive back home...
Rani and Saroj are amazed – they have a lot to think about. The tarot readings have provided the guidance they needed. They ride home in silence. It is needless to say that they will certainly think about this at every alone moment they find.

They have both tried to tell others what they really wanted – a hearing – in more ways than one – but the one thing they forgot to provide – extend that hearing to their own selves.

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
" But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence…

how do I move on...

The grief cycle is just so simplistic, once the giraffe’s foot hits the bottom of the quicksand pit, he becomes aware that an alternate view of the world is visible and new solutions to life become apparent. Unfortunately it’s not so simple. Every time grief turns up on our doorstep we say to ourselves, “if I can get over this, I can survive just about anything in life.” But moving on is complex and as soul searching as the process of accepting grief.

Let’s explore this a little more. Eva asked me – “Help me find pieces of myself. I have coped with my loss (her spouse of 15 years had walked out on her) and everyone around me feels – I am whole despite it. I wish I could say the same for myself. Help me discover what I believe – For a person as compulsively articulate as me, speaking out is not hard – what is harder is to stick with an opinion I had. My experiences have made me change what I believed in, question the basis of data processing in my brain and definitely eat my own words so many times that I have a great amount of difficulty, if not fear in making statements about what I shall or shall never do. I have learnt that there are no givens and nothing is cast in stone hence I often find myself questioning an opinion I may form in my head even before my lips have opened to emit the first opining sounds.”

What Eva was trying to tell us that, when we love and trust someone for a long period of time, they become a part of who we are? We begin to see ourselves as reflected by them; their reactions to us insidiously creep into our beliefs and identity. “I sought to alter the person I love, but ended up altering myself.” It was no surprise that the loss of such a relationship would make her question what she believed in. She needed to re-gather the fractured fragments of her mind and reiterate her thoughts for her own self in order to move on.

We embarked on the journey of the search for Eva and explored several aspects to her life- we looked at things she wanted and the demons she wanted to defeat - here’s what turned up:

4 of cups & 8 of swords: Eva had learned to cope with her loss by drawing into a numb state and blocking out real fears and feelings for the circumstance. What had begun as a process of self protection was now outdated. Just accepting her grief had not helped her forge a vital connection with life as yet. A shroud of faded numbness still clouded the sharp images of relationships and interactions.

Disengagement and an uninvolved manner of existence prevented her from accepting things about herself and others. Her fears (8 of swords) held her captive and prevented her from bringing about change in her life - we asked her to formulate an affirmation – “I believe that people can be changed – they just need a catalyst that begins that process of change. Sometimes the catalyst is themselves, a catastrophic event, a powerful influence, a personal emergency or even necessity. I also believe that in some way I change everyone I come in contact with – that is perhaps a talent I have.”

The justice: Acceptance yields into eventual forgiveness. But the feelings of revenge take a long time to go. Though she had accepted hurt a lingering sense of revenge stayed – the justice card showed up telling her that life has its own way of delivering its retribution. Her statement will reveal a need for acceptance that those that hurt shall pay – but may not be at your hands or in the manner in which you want them to pay, but pay they shall. She said “I believe in divine retribution – I believe there IS a reason why something happens and a definite payment of your dues in this birth. If you sow seeds of betrayal and hurt you reap unrest, dissatisfaction and grief at the very least. I also believe that divine retribution is in a speedy execution mode as far as I am concerned but also metes justice to those that hurt me.”

Strength: One of the biggest effects that such a loss had left Eva with was guilt – what if I had done this, maybe he would have stayed? If I had been more assertive maybe he would have learned to respect me? etc., etc. A thousand messages had gone home making it impossible for her to let go of trying to control the event. The strength sends us this message - Not only does this mean that you need to control your impulses, strength teaches a lesson of recognizing and accepting our own demons i.e.,, one of them being guilt. It is not something that she could have done but perhaps the type of person she had chosen or the reasons for making the choice that could need scrutiny. It is time to self audit and recognize the choices that led to such a circumstance (how many times did she compromise with an action that harmed her) and what then can be changed within to prevent such an occurrence.

Eva believes “I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason and you must learn your lessons from those visits. You better learn fast from the bad ones or else they will visit you again sometimes in other forms.”

The ten of swords and the empress: There can be no moving on without reawakening love for oneself. In losing the love of her spouse she has learned that she is unworthy of love. The biggest enemy at the time of grief is your own self – giving yourself messages like – this only happens to me? Now that this has happened I have been damaged for life? Quite to the contrary the 10 of swords and the empress teach us to regenerate and rejuvenate our selves. Then 10 of swords herald the end of a false way of seeing a circumstance. So much as you see a man struck down by the swords, the dawn breaks in the distance signaling a new beginning. The empress asks you to nurture yourself and claim the power you may have lost for yourself. The stronger and more nourished you are internally the weaker the enemy shall be.

Eva tells me “I believe that every break up does not necessarily lead to bitterness. It is all about how you feel about yourself at the end of it all. If you walk away with your head held high and yourself respect intact the memories are not necessarily painful. It is only when you realize the lesson that you have learnt from the experience and absorb the benefits thereof can you begin to forgive the persons who hurt you.”

The star: Eva cannot move on without hope. Even in the therapeutic relationships that heal trauma survivors – it is love that heals. Teaching a person to accept love is perhaps one of the hardest tasks possible for a therapist. The star card is your therapist for you - having lost all the star card points you towards hope and healing. Even if sudden magical transformation is not imminent – this card definitely points us towards believing in ourselves and in the healing power of love. It is only love that heals. A love for yourself first, and then for others! Eva heaves a sigh of relief, “I also believe that real love has a calming effect and allows you to blossom as a human being. All consuming passion does just that – consume you.”

The path of moving on is not complete without accepting your own weaknesses. Having assured herself that she will find love, Eva, needs to accept that she can only do so if she does not repeat the mistakes she made previously.

The devil and the magician: When you look to complete what you miss from others (devil) you will land in the hands of temptation and fall prey to the magical manipulations of the magician. Haven’t we found that we always find the same prototype attractive? What if that prototype has left us hurt and exposed. Isn’t it then necessary to question why do we need to get into relationships with people who evidently end up hurting us? Is there a piece of us that we miss? Perhaps, a fear of true intimacy which Eva has explained to herself in the STAR! When building strategies to fortify her weaknesses she needs to use the hope within herself as her source of strength.

She says to herself: “I also believe that I only seem to get a zing from emotionally charged situations. I am not sure IF I can ever find that ZING on a sustained basis with other people. What is beautiful is the fact that the minute I learn this lesson I also have an objective vision to the emotional traps that others can lay for me. I also learn to discern emotional manipulation disguised as deep sorrow. I learn to differentiate true mettle and strength of character from a cleverly concealed act. I come closer to the TRUTH I so believe in. The truth my world is so centered around…”

If we are vulnerable – it is our job to protect ourselves against hurt and abuse. A greater reason to be vigilant before we give all! It is perfectly all right to let the other person earn our love rather than hand it out easy. The stronger your belief in your TRUTH the greater the likelihood of finding a loving and nurturing relationship that offers you true intimacy.

is forgiveness a passive act…?

All religious scriptures instruct the sinner to beg for forgiveness and kneel at the feet of god in abject submission and all shall be forgiven. Your soul will be redeemed and you will be able to find a spot for yourself in heaven. One kind of forgiveness – I have done this, begged for deliverance from retribution time and again from the lord and been forgiven. I am sure all of us have found ourselves caught in whirlpool of emotions, when faced with our own wrong doings and battled with ourselves and god to accept our own failings. An inner turmoil most of us experience regularly… But today I want to speak about another kind of forgiveness - forgiving others. Do you think is hard to ask for forgiveness? - You don’t know the beginning of it my friend, it’s even harder to forgive someone who has willfully harmed you and shows no acknowledgment or repentance for the same. And is it necessary for you forgive them in the first place? A dilemma I have spent many years battling with.

The wrong doers can come in many forms; someone you love, a primary care giver, a spouse or a partner, a friend, a colleague; the list extends to encompass any every one of those relationships we negotiate with. The issue is not who the person is but how you are affected.

Let me begin with a story. Once upon a time there was a young girl who married a wonderful man to escape the tediousness and boredom of her other life. They lived in a nuclear family and hoped to make a wonderful haven for themselves. And they did… but for the fact that the young girl was troubled by demons within her. The slightest hint of insecurity would throw her into the throws of rage. She would be so consumed by it that it would take her days to come back to a state where she recognized herself again. Needless to say the wonderful man could not continue to be of support to her forever. He found the demons too hard to face. As hard as he tried, his own difficulties would not allow him to make sense of what was happening around them. He left – to save himself and his sanity… No one blamed him, after all the demons were too hard to bear. The young girl bore the brunt of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

Who would you ask her to forgive, the wonderful man, herself or the demons of her past? And would it be a passive act? The card that immediately comes to my head is Justice – the scales of justice are always balanced – you shall get what you deserve. A message given loud and clear by the departing of her husband! The avenging angel stands punished. But yet again a twist in the tale, who will wield the card of justice? Is society the wielder of the sword of justice or is there a higher sword than that? Is the justice meted out by our own inner conscience higher than that of the outer world? The tarots teach us just that.

The justice card is illustrated by a story, where there once was a competition between the goddess of intelligence Athene and the god of the oceans Posieden; both were asked to present a gift to mankind and the most useful gift of all would declare the winner. Posieden struck the ground and produced a horse, the first of its kind and everyone was sure that nothing better could be produced. Athene provided an olive tree – the oil of the fruit would provide mankind with nourishment and warmth, while the olive branch was a symbol of peace, when the steed was a symbol of war. Athene was declared the winner and Athens was named after her. A lesson mankind must never forget, learn to assess their own actions with rational judgments, for reason to override emotion to balance things in life.

The young woman’s fate is sealed. Her husband unwittingly has entered into a relationship fraught by troubles from the past – he does not deserve to deal with this and hence is correct in leaving her. However another look at this situation – his wife is suffering from problems from the past could be any trauma – a neglected childhood, emotionally unstable primary relationships, a betrayal by a loved one and maybe even abuse. She has obviously not learned to trust and hence the slightest of insecurities makes her fly into a self protective rage. Certainly not exemplary behavior but also not a deliberate one, is he now correct to leave? Are relationships only about a wonderful haven? And are wonderful havens never to be disturbed by tumultuous situations? If the society was to wield the sword of justice – they would end up doing a great wrong.

This is exactly what justice teaches the young girl – balance your life and assess what is wrong with you? Find out what alienates you from the current circumstances – what are those demons that control your being – spell them out and face them. Accept that your behavior is inappropriate but before you punish yourself for losing your husband also assess his failings. Has he been such a great spouse – is he completely in the right while you are in the wrong? Possibly not – there must be something about him that triggers insecurity – sit together and assess this for yourselves. Once the analysis is done and the cards are on the table wield the next card – justice tempered with mercy – the Temperance.

Temperance or forgiveness says – “first and foremost forgive your own self. Anger can never be dealt with by directing more anger at yourself, it can only be mitigated by compassion. So accept that just as you were not responsible for the actions of the demons in your past, you are not responsible for your husband’s action. As a child you could not have done anything to prevent what was happening to you and hence are not responsible for what happened. A fact – forgive yourself.” Only when the young girl stops taking responsibility will it be placed where it rightfully belongs.

The story further unfolds, she works hard at understanding why she reacts the way she does – replaces all the voices of alarm with self soothing and healing mechanisms, but alas the one thing that stays with her – her desire to seek revenge. Her life does not seem meaningful unless those that harmed her pay for what they did. She embarks on the journey to confront the perpetrators of harm and draw solace in the fact that they will be pained. What begins as a war of justice turns its tables on her. Each time she confronts the demons, they become more powerful. Why? By her acts of aggression she is playing out the drama of the past where the demons appear less demonic in comparison to the angry young girl. Also they become stronger in the knowledge that they can still affect her. So what then is the solution for the young girl to right the wrong within her…?

Even though she has found forgiveness and healing for herself, is it important to forgive the demons of her past? The temperance is a card of balance, balancing of the good with the bad. The young girl does not need to forgive them because she is on a spiritual journey to salvation but for a very tangible and necessary benefit. The cards say “As long as you carry anger for an event or a person with you – you continue to identify with that event and stay connected to it. Only when anger is diffused does the connection sever and you grow to be a bigger and better person. The first step to diffusing anger – develop your own self and hold your power within you – you will find the hold that the event had on you will fade. Also magically the perpetrators of abuse stay powerful as long as they know you are affected – the day they lose their power to impact your life they begin to appear in the correct perspective, as they really are, weak and corrupt.” Once she makes these realizations she will find it hard to allow them to stay powerful and even forgive them. She will have a whole life without.

As for the wonderful husband – well, he will have to work harder to be the wonderful support he promises to be whilst she works on calming the demons within her. They will both learn to forgive each other.

Does the act of forgiveness appear passive? Quite to the contrary – any process which requires such soul searching and active change of thought can never be a passive exercise. A lesson I have taught myself again and again. Life has taught me to see everything etched in sharp outlines and difficulty in seeing the grays. A long time ago I found it hard to accept a line of an evangelical poem – “lord give me the strength to accept the hardships so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and eternally happy in my life with you”. It seemed to negate my quest for revenge – for all the wrongs done unto me, only to learn that the path of forgiveness is a far more arduous and powerful one. It is actually in forgiveness that I have found peace because the demons no longer are powerful enough to control the way I live my life.

i have been betrayed...

I have been betrayed… how many of us have the courage to make such a statement about ourselves. Say it out loud… Not easy. But I find that in the event of a betrayal that is just the thing to do, so much so that unless you accept this undeniable event you cannot move beyond it or cope with it. My last two posts have been truly cathartic for me and this one is primarily reminiscent in nature. Rumination about my own and others experiences….

Most psychological experiences of betrayal follow a grief cycle (Kubler Ross) and acceptance only comes at the end of the series of reactions. Shock or immobilization followed by denial that this cannot happen to me, anger, bargaining, depression, testing & acceptance. As always I will attempt to explain this through an experience I am uploading a video of a giraffe stuck in quicksand to explain this - do see to understand.



Inquiring about a cheating spouse/partner or lover constitutes a large majority of the reasons for requesting a tarot reading – the simplest and the most obvious of all betrayals. I say simplest because the betrayal stares you in the face and is possible to fathom. The psychological reactions may be complex but betrayal has the same ramifications as coping with the finality of death, allowing you the right to grieve. This becomes harder if the relationship is clandestine and you have to put on a brave front to hide the true extent of misery.

Just as an illustration – a woman once told me that she had discovered some emails from her partner to another woman and was having a hard time believing that this was possible. So what’s so new about it? Frankly nothing except that as a tarot reader I have learnt to respect that each person’s reaction/experience of the same circumstance is unique and it is your responsibility to help them figure out what to do to help them move beyond this heart breaking event.

If we look at the grief cycle it clearly outlines 5-6 stages of experience. Shock & denial, anger, depression, bargaining & testing and finally acceptance, I have found that in all my readings with various persons, the tarots have their own combination's to indicate the stages that a person may be at:

Situation 1
As in my example the cards revealed the tower, the 7 of swords, and the devil. Definitely stage 1: shock & denial. The woman had just discovered that her partner was unfaithful and the tower represented the shock she had experienced when the carpet was pulled from under her feet. She had hitherto believed herself to be secure in her trust for her partner and now the scales of power were completely turned upside down with the act of betrayal (7 of swords – fleeing from a dishonorable act).

The devil shows the image of a man and a woman chained to the devil; in other words controlled by inhibitions, fears and phobias. It indicates that the woman is so completely controlled by her fear, that instead of looking her circumstance in the eye she would rather be controlled by the Jungian shadow, or at part to ourselves we would rather not face. However the devil also carries the message – ‘out of apparent evil, good shall come’ a message of hope that if fears are faced, the woman will be able to free herself from the fears and grow into a more complete human being.

Situation 2
My own experience with betrayal has always been a very short if not nonexistent stage of shock & denial, and an overly elongated period of anger, my most favorite emotion. Some years back I found that a childhood friend had completely betrayed my confidence and turned out to be someone my blinded eyes had not seen. Despite the number of years I had to question, the proof of betrayal stared me in the face so sharply that I could not entertain the luxury of being in denial. I transited into anger rather fast and found myself eating out of control as a form of self abuse. Severe anxiety which is the flip side of anger resulted in allergic conditions and asthma; I found hard to control.

The cards then advised me through the chariot, the card of victory over conflict and struggle. The card shows a charioteer trying to keep the black and the white sphinxes under control. A simple message – it is out of conflict that creative change occurs. If there is a conflict of interests and a struggle, victory is certainly possible but a fight for self assertion would be necessary. Clear advice – I needed to assert my right to be angry and not give in to the conflicting manipulations of the friend.

Situation 3
A woman once asked me to find out whether she should stay with her husband or not. The cards indicated that her spouse was really not interested in her. Even though she was very young, right from the beginning of their married life he had shown disinterest and disengagement. She had tried in vain for several years to make the relationship work but was unable to find any involvement from him. She said that she had accepted that he was perhaps forced into marrying her, but did not know which action to take… The cards were very clear – the 5 of cups and 3 of swords – abject grief. She needed to grieve over her loss. Just ignoring the fact that she was experiencing an extreme sense of loss was not going to help her move beyond it. She was unable to take the decision due to the fact that at some level she had not grieved for her loss enough to allow herself to move on.

The cards were followed by death indicative that change was imminent – she could not possibly hang on to an already moribund relationship in the hope of what was not. The faster she accepted this, the less the pain she would experience. In fact accepting grief and the resulting change is a corner stone to moving beyond a betraying circumstance. The depression stage of grief is absolutely necessary for you to allow yourself to experience death of the earlier way of being and to embrace a renewal.

Situation 4
Bargaining and testing: Haven’t you found yourself talking constantly about a betraying circumstance – going over and over it again and again, in the hope of making sense of what happened, how it happened and what you have to learn from it. This is your mind's way of making sense of your betrayal and trying to adjust the reality to explain itself. As a young person whenever a friend had broken up with a boyfriend, someone had snitched behind my back or someone was trying to manipulate me – I found us – a group of friends discussing the circumstance turning it upside down in an attempt to analyze it. Extremely important – it is just your mind’s way of reaching out to others to validate your experiences and to figure out an alternate reality.

The card that often appears for a person who is in this stage is the hanged man, telling the story of the Greek god Odin who hung himself upside down from Yggdrasil (ash) tree to rejuvenate himself. As he waited for people to bring him water and food to quench his hunger & thirst he noticed an alternate reality of the world. In these repeated discussions with the world post betrayal, the tarots say that “you have already lost what there is to lose now there is nothing worse that can happen, your soul is now free to look at the world from an alternate perspective and find a reality that was hitherto unseen”. As Jung says the conscious mind need to dies for the unconscious mind to provide alternate solutions.

Situation 5
It’s been a long journey, from the devil, the chariot, death and the hanged man – several daunting milestones have been passed. You are finally in the presence of a blessing. Acceptance – the way forward exemplified by judgment in the tarots – a complete renewal. The judgment card uses the Indian concept of Karma – a balancing of the accounts of life. In this arduous journey in handling betrayal, you discover parts to yourself that did not earlier exist. It is time for self appraisal for accepting oneself and the circumstance and the resolutions that have been found for inner conflict. It is also the time to appreciate one’s strength and realize that while we condemn those who puff themselves with their own praise – we also condemn those that sell themselves short. SO gather these parts to you and set a future plan for yourself – a resurrection for a new beginning. It is a time for rejoicing and renewal.

Beautifully summed up by the tarots, however one small hitch. We tend to get stuck at one stage or the other mostly denial or long drawn anger. If you find yourself in these situations remember – the lessons of the devil and the chariot – unchain yourself from your inhibitions and phobia and take action to self assert in the face of a conflict. (refer my posts on coping with anger) Another obstacle, we can cycle from bargaining back to anger and denial – this means that not enough time was spent in rooting yourself out of denial – maybe there are some devious fears left unturned – a time for self examination again.

The grief cycle is just so clear and self explanatory but it is not the obvious betrayal which we have a license to grieve over that’s hard – on the contrary it is the subtle betrayals of life that are the harder one’s to map. For example – after the first few years of your marriage you discover your spouse’s feet of clay and experience a betrayal of promises earlier delivered. Another example – when faced with a conflict in the family you married into and your spouse does not stand up for you and no one hears your voice. In your family of origin a sibling is favored over you and you find yourself at the receiving end of unfair dealings – far more insidious forms of betrayal that are just so hard to map on the Kubler Ross cycle. But only because you find it hard to classify these as betrayal. Remember for you to cope with it - you have to say it out loud - i have been betrayed.

The solution is simple stand by yourself – an unshakable belief in your own reality is the one and only way to withstand betrayal and make the journey of grief to towards a rejoicing and renewal.