when deafness surrounds you...

Our entire generation goes misty eyed about the song “The Sounds of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, which talks about human dependence on technology robbing real communication between people. So true, but something I am also supporting through this blog. But today I am thinking about a slightly more perturbing predicament – imagine a surreal situation where you are screaming in a room full of people surrounded by voices, chatter and the clinging and clanging of real life, but no-one can hear. You scream and you scream, your face turns purple, your breath runs out and the shrillness of your own screeches in your ears makes you fear the cacophony you must be creating, but all those around you continue about their chores as if you and your sounds do no exist. In short, you are surrounded by deafness. Doesn’t it sound like the scary reproduction of B grade horror film – I am afraid I will have to disappoint you, this is real.

Meet Rani, she will tell you about herself. She is a 15 year old very fierce young girl, very smart and way ahead of other students in her grade. She has an idyllic home, loving parents, a sister and doting grandparents. All outsiders who look at her talk about, how she has all that she possibly could want! And she does… Scratch the surface and you will find pain in the young girl’s eyes, why? Rani’s parents encourage their children to talk to them, and so Rani shares the adolescent realities of her world with them.

She tries to talk about the pressures she faces in life, the terrible struggle to stay popular in her school, the social pressures of conforming to the traditions of her family, the do’s and don’ts of good behavior, keeping up the style quotient, her troubles with boys, her emotional upheavals – you name it and she has tried. Each time she opens a little core of her being she finds herself facing judgments and analysis that does not make sense to her. Keeping up with the Joneses is so important in her family that they forget to accommodate for the blossoming eccentricities of their daughter. So much so, that only those opinions and sharing are validated that fit in with their world view, anything slightly different is dismissed as irrelevant crazy ravings of adolescent hormones. Despite having everything she could possibly desire, Rani finds herself getting alienated from her idyllic home.

She soon finds herself feeling run down, ill and racked with weird anxieties and phobias. Her parents are naturally concerned, but after the doctor assures them that Rani is physically fit, they dismiss her illnesses as psychosomatic symptoms of adolescence. For a family that believes in love and support, they can only extend their deafness to their special child.

Rani grows into a strong young woman who has internalized the deafness that surrounds her by being an aggressive person with a distinct difficulty in listening to others herself. She carries that anger within her and extends it to others through rejecting their pleas for a real connection. She works as a really successful career woman in a bank, but is not known for her compassion.

Rani meets Saroj at a club. Saroj is a typical suburban mom. Busy with parenting her little son, they meet at the swimming pool on a weekend and become great friends. They soon discover that Saroj is Rani’s colleague’s (at the bank) wife. Saroj looks forward to coffee weekends with Rani, she feels that Rani’s intensity compliments her milder view of the world. Soon they are really close friends and share confidences with each other.

Saroj’s soothing manner calms Rani and allows her an opportunity to listen to someone else for a change. She sees her friend’s wonderful happy little home and is a little wistful that she has never attempted such a life for herself. They both often laugh that for two people from worlds so far away from each other, they seem to get along so famously.

One day Saroj tells her that her beautiful family is not so wonderful after all. Her accomplished husband and she have experienced great difficulty forming a bond. An overly interfering mother-in-law has prevented the young couple from having a moment of peace. There marital life has been so strife torn that they have not been able to forge that trust that spouses should share before they have their offspring. Saroj’s mildness of manner and conventional upbringing stops her from leaving her home and child. She attempts to explain time and again to her husband, that they should distance themselves just a little from his family of origin and find space for their marital life. But his overwhelming filial love prevents him from seeing sense. Saroj is afraid that this will adversely affect her son and his psyche.

She has tried to communicate this difficulty to her mother in law and their family, but ends up getting adjudged as just “different’ and ‘troubled’. Instead of helping the young wife they end up encouraging their son’s behavior as normal and Saroj’s behavior as ranting of a mad woman. As long as Saroj, tows the line and never every questions the rationale of the family she shall be a good human being else, she is a sinner and a person to be shunned. Support be damned to hell, she ends up being the odd freak to mistrusted and doubted at all times. Despite being in a family she ends up being alone.

Rani hears Saroj’s story and realizes – what they have in common? What is that bond that draws them close? Why despite all the freakish differences they end up finding solace in each other’s company – they share the same distress – the distress of having been surrounded by deafness. Screaming and screaming yourself hollow, to have someone hear but no one does. Why – because people around them do not wish to hear anything that disturbs their own construct of reality, any stimuli which will make them question the logic of their actions threatens to disturb the carefully balanced house of cards they have created for themselves. They have sold their soul to their own ideas and can only hear sounds of silence.

“And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence”

Rani listens in wonder that despite being a sufferer of similar circumstance both their reactions to life have been so definitively different. She shares her story with Saroj – this is perhaps the first time she is telling someone. Saroj hears her and is shaken that her friend with a predilection for strong words and strong statements could be actually hiding a vulnerable child underneath. She convinces Rani – that they should pay a visit to a Tarot healer she has heard of for guidance. Rani who is pretty dismissive of such an idea initially, gives in to her friends wish and decides to accompany her albeit with severe doubt about the worth of such an endeavor. Here’s the guidance that they both receive from the tarots.

Saroj’s Reading

The first layer of her reading says simply – Saroj is coping with severe disappointment at the hands of her family, though a path will soon appear to help her forsake her disappointments and move away from unrest. The cards advice her, to be strong and adamant in the face of adversity and to stand steadfastly besides herself. Any hurried flurry of action can result in the misbalance of the carefully balanced swords. She is living holding her emotions tightly in control and any desperate and impulsive act will only succeed in disturbing her sense of balance.

The second layer focuses Saroj on a simple fact – judgment day is near. “The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that this is a final decision. Either to go forward, or stay where he is. He blows, and the trumpet's song echoes across the sky, its vibrations seeming to crack open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, memories rise. Images of his innocent youth, challenges, loves, failures, losses, success, disillusionment and wisdom. For the first time, he does not try to leave them, ignore or forget them, but accepts them”. Judgment tells her that a moving will only happen if she lets go of the hurts – destiny will deal with those that have harmed – and to feel mercy for herself and others (temperance).

She can find solace and wellness in her strengths – the conversations she has with her friends (page of wands), the appreciation she receives within her group of friends and in society (the 3 of cups), the hard work she is capable of – maybe even try a new opportunity for work and the creativity she has within herself (ace of wands). Embracing these strengths she will regenerate and renew herself. She will provide self nourishment to herself (the empress).

Once she does that justice shall have its day – those that have harmed shall pay dearly for the harm done unto her and her relationship with her husband shall be restored to what it should have been – she will find complete love (2 of cups).

Rani heard and it thought to herself – something any psychologist could have told her. And then it was her turn. She wanted to test the tarots – without telling the reader about herself – get a reading which would help her.

Rani’s reading
The reading begins with the advice – “take hurried action – do not deliberate too much act on an impulse and find a counselor/therapist or a healer to consult with. This is a journey you cannot make alone.” The cards advice Rani to find help through a trained professional who will help her move towards finding love – to find the blessing that we may allow love to flow into our lives. Above all Rani needs to learn to allow herself to be loved – her logical/rational mind overrides her vulnerability – she will definitely need to help to accept that about herself and then feel safe to let others see it.

The second step tells her to show mercy (temperance) to herself and others – to be less harsh in her judgments of other people and reality – to move beyond the betrayal (7 of cups) that her family’s deafness has meted out to her. Once she does that the star will restore her hope for love (refer my earlier post on betrayal for the complete meaning of the star). She has already lost her childhood – she now needs to change the inherited spectacles she uses to look at life and develop a new perspective that comes from wisdom and having survived trying circumstances (hanged man). Only when she gives up her attachment to the earlier way of judging others will she find peace. When faced with adversity in childhood we tend to absorb it as a part of our identity; which them becomes a construct to be questioned.

The last part of the cards deliver a more trying message for Rani – she needs to work hard at managing both her confident and the dark side to herself (chariot). It is a struggle that will not come easy. She will only be able to win the battle through determined effort and realization that it is in times of uncertainty (the moon) that her instincts kick in. She needs to watch herself in insecure situations and learn to accept that she may be vulnerable and that being deaf and aggressive to others view is only one way to dealing with it. The message of love she has learnt from the ace of cups and temperance, in the first part is another manner of dealing with uncertain times.

Given all that she has the full potential of developing into the independent, successful and peaceful individual like the queen of pentacles.

The drive back home...
Rani and Saroj are amazed – they have a lot to think about. The tarot readings have provided the guidance they needed. They ride home in silence. It is needless to say that they will certainly think about this at every alone moment they find.

They have both tried to tell others what they really wanted – a hearing – in more ways than one – but the one thing they forgot to provide – extend that hearing to their own selves.

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
" But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence…

is forgiveness a passive act…?

All religious scriptures instruct the sinner to beg for forgiveness and kneel at the feet of god in abject submission and all shall be forgiven. Your soul will be redeemed and you will be able to find a spot for yourself in heaven. One kind of forgiveness – I have done this, begged for deliverance from retribution time and again from the lord and been forgiven. I am sure all of us have found ourselves caught in whirlpool of emotions, when faced with our own wrong doings and battled with ourselves and god to accept our own failings. An inner turmoil most of us experience regularly… But today I want to speak about another kind of forgiveness - forgiving others. Do you think is hard to ask for forgiveness? - You don’t know the beginning of it my friend, it’s even harder to forgive someone who has willfully harmed you and shows no acknowledgment or repentance for the same. And is it necessary for you forgive them in the first place? A dilemma I have spent many years battling with.

The wrong doers can come in many forms; someone you love, a primary care giver, a spouse or a partner, a friend, a colleague; the list extends to encompass any every one of those relationships we negotiate with. The issue is not who the person is but how you are affected.

Let me begin with a story. Once upon a time there was a young girl who married a wonderful man to escape the tediousness and boredom of her other life. They lived in a nuclear family and hoped to make a wonderful haven for themselves. And they did… but for the fact that the young girl was troubled by demons within her. The slightest hint of insecurity would throw her into the throws of rage. She would be so consumed by it that it would take her days to come back to a state where she recognized herself again. Needless to say the wonderful man could not continue to be of support to her forever. He found the demons too hard to face. As hard as he tried, his own difficulties would not allow him to make sense of what was happening around them. He left – to save himself and his sanity… No one blamed him, after all the demons were too hard to bear. The young girl bore the brunt of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

Who would you ask her to forgive, the wonderful man, herself or the demons of her past? And would it be a passive act? The card that immediately comes to my head is Justice – the scales of justice are always balanced – you shall get what you deserve. A message given loud and clear by the departing of her husband! The avenging angel stands punished. But yet again a twist in the tale, who will wield the card of justice? Is society the wielder of the sword of justice or is there a higher sword than that? Is the justice meted out by our own inner conscience higher than that of the outer world? The tarots teach us just that.

The justice card is illustrated by a story, where there once was a competition between the goddess of intelligence Athene and the god of the oceans Posieden; both were asked to present a gift to mankind and the most useful gift of all would declare the winner. Posieden struck the ground and produced a horse, the first of its kind and everyone was sure that nothing better could be produced. Athene provided an olive tree – the oil of the fruit would provide mankind with nourishment and warmth, while the olive branch was a symbol of peace, when the steed was a symbol of war. Athene was declared the winner and Athens was named after her. A lesson mankind must never forget, learn to assess their own actions with rational judgments, for reason to override emotion to balance things in life.

The young woman’s fate is sealed. Her husband unwittingly has entered into a relationship fraught by troubles from the past – he does not deserve to deal with this and hence is correct in leaving her. However another look at this situation – his wife is suffering from problems from the past could be any trauma – a neglected childhood, emotionally unstable primary relationships, a betrayal by a loved one and maybe even abuse. She has obviously not learned to trust and hence the slightest of insecurities makes her fly into a self protective rage. Certainly not exemplary behavior but also not a deliberate one, is he now correct to leave? Are relationships only about a wonderful haven? And are wonderful havens never to be disturbed by tumultuous situations? If the society was to wield the sword of justice – they would end up doing a great wrong.

This is exactly what justice teaches the young girl – balance your life and assess what is wrong with you? Find out what alienates you from the current circumstances – what are those demons that control your being – spell them out and face them. Accept that your behavior is inappropriate but before you punish yourself for losing your husband also assess his failings. Has he been such a great spouse – is he completely in the right while you are in the wrong? Possibly not – there must be something about him that triggers insecurity – sit together and assess this for yourselves. Once the analysis is done and the cards are on the table wield the next card – justice tempered with mercy – the Temperance.

Temperance or forgiveness says – “first and foremost forgive your own self. Anger can never be dealt with by directing more anger at yourself, it can only be mitigated by compassion. So accept that just as you were not responsible for the actions of the demons in your past, you are not responsible for your husband’s action. As a child you could not have done anything to prevent what was happening to you and hence are not responsible for what happened. A fact – forgive yourself.” Only when the young girl stops taking responsibility will it be placed where it rightfully belongs.

The story further unfolds, she works hard at understanding why she reacts the way she does – replaces all the voices of alarm with self soothing and healing mechanisms, but alas the one thing that stays with her – her desire to seek revenge. Her life does not seem meaningful unless those that harmed her pay for what they did. She embarks on the journey to confront the perpetrators of harm and draw solace in the fact that they will be pained. What begins as a war of justice turns its tables on her. Each time she confronts the demons, they become more powerful. Why? By her acts of aggression she is playing out the drama of the past where the demons appear less demonic in comparison to the angry young girl. Also they become stronger in the knowledge that they can still affect her. So what then is the solution for the young girl to right the wrong within her…?

Even though she has found forgiveness and healing for herself, is it important to forgive the demons of her past? The temperance is a card of balance, balancing of the good with the bad. The young girl does not need to forgive them because she is on a spiritual journey to salvation but for a very tangible and necessary benefit. The cards say “As long as you carry anger for an event or a person with you – you continue to identify with that event and stay connected to it. Only when anger is diffused does the connection sever and you grow to be a bigger and better person. The first step to diffusing anger – develop your own self and hold your power within you – you will find the hold that the event had on you will fade. Also magically the perpetrators of abuse stay powerful as long as they know you are affected – the day they lose their power to impact your life they begin to appear in the correct perspective, as they really are, weak and corrupt.” Once she makes these realizations she will find it hard to allow them to stay powerful and even forgive them. She will have a whole life without.

As for the wonderful husband – well, he will have to work harder to be the wonderful support he promises to be whilst she works on calming the demons within her. They will both learn to forgive each other.

Does the act of forgiveness appear passive? Quite to the contrary – any process which requires such soul searching and active change of thought can never be a passive exercise. A lesson I have taught myself again and again. Life has taught me to see everything etched in sharp outlines and difficulty in seeing the grays. A long time ago I found it hard to accept a line of an evangelical poem – “lord give me the strength to accept the hardships so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and eternally happy in my life with you”. It seemed to negate my quest for revenge – for all the wrongs done unto me, only to learn that the path of forgiveness is a far more arduous and powerful one. It is actually in forgiveness that I have found peace because the demons no longer are powerful enough to control the way I live my life.

i have been betrayed...

I have been betrayed… how many of us have the courage to make such a statement about ourselves. Say it out loud… Not easy. But I find that in the event of a betrayal that is just the thing to do, so much so that unless you accept this undeniable event you cannot move beyond it or cope with it. My last two posts have been truly cathartic for me and this one is primarily reminiscent in nature. Rumination about my own and others experiences….

Most psychological experiences of betrayal follow a grief cycle (Kubler Ross) and acceptance only comes at the end of the series of reactions. Shock or immobilization followed by denial that this cannot happen to me, anger, bargaining, depression, testing & acceptance. As always I will attempt to explain this through an experience I am uploading a video of a giraffe stuck in quicksand to explain this - do see to understand.



Inquiring about a cheating spouse/partner or lover constitutes a large majority of the reasons for requesting a tarot reading – the simplest and the most obvious of all betrayals. I say simplest because the betrayal stares you in the face and is possible to fathom. The psychological reactions may be complex but betrayal has the same ramifications as coping with the finality of death, allowing you the right to grieve. This becomes harder if the relationship is clandestine and you have to put on a brave front to hide the true extent of misery.

Just as an illustration – a woman once told me that she had discovered some emails from her partner to another woman and was having a hard time believing that this was possible. So what’s so new about it? Frankly nothing except that as a tarot reader I have learnt to respect that each person’s reaction/experience of the same circumstance is unique and it is your responsibility to help them figure out what to do to help them move beyond this heart breaking event.

If we look at the grief cycle it clearly outlines 5-6 stages of experience. Shock & denial, anger, depression, bargaining & testing and finally acceptance, I have found that in all my readings with various persons, the tarots have their own combination's to indicate the stages that a person may be at:

Situation 1
As in my example the cards revealed the tower, the 7 of swords, and the devil. Definitely stage 1: shock & denial. The woman had just discovered that her partner was unfaithful and the tower represented the shock she had experienced when the carpet was pulled from under her feet. She had hitherto believed herself to be secure in her trust for her partner and now the scales of power were completely turned upside down with the act of betrayal (7 of swords – fleeing from a dishonorable act).

The devil shows the image of a man and a woman chained to the devil; in other words controlled by inhibitions, fears and phobias. It indicates that the woman is so completely controlled by her fear, that instead of looking her circumstance in the eye she would rather be controlled by the Jungian shadow, or at part to ourselves we would rather not face. However the devil also carries the message – ‘out of apparent evil, good shall come’ a message of hope that if fears are faced, the woman will be able to free herself from the fears and grow into a more complete human being.

Situation 2
My own experience with betrayal has always been a very short if not nonexistent stage of shock & denial, and an overly elongated period of anger, my most favorite emotion. Some years back I found that a childhood friend had completely betrayed my confidence and turned out to be someone my blinded eyes had not seen. Despite the number of years I had to question, the proof of betrayal stared me in the face so sharply that I could not entertain the luxury of being in denial. I transited into anger rather fast and found myself eating out of control as a form of self abuse. Severe anxiety which is the flip side of anger resulted in allergic conditions and asthma; I found hard to control.

The cards then advised me through the chariot, the card of victory over conflict and struggle. The card shows a charioteer trying to keep the black and the white sphinxes under control. A simple message – it is out of conflict that creative change occurs. If there is a conflict of interests and a struggle, victory is certainly possible but a fight for self assertion would be necessary. Clear advice – I needed to assert my right to be angry and not give in to the conflicting manipulations of the friend.

Situation 3
A woman once asked me to find out whether she should stay with her husband or not. The cards indicated that her spouse was really not interested in her. Even though she was very young, right from the beginning of their married life he had shown disinterest and disengagement. She had tried in vain for several years to make the relationship work but was unable to find any involvement from him. She said that she had accepted that he was perhaps forced into marrying her, but did not know which action to take… The cards were very clear – the 5 of cups and 3 of swords – abject grief. She needed to grieve over her loss. Just ignoring the fact that she was experiencing an extreme sense of loss was not going to help her move beyond it. She was unable to take the decision due to the fact that at some level she had not grieved for her loss enough to allow herself to move on.

The cards were followed by death indicative that change was imminent – she could not possibly hang on to an already moribund relationship in the hope of what was not. The faster she accepted this, the less the pain she would experience. In fact accepting grief and the resulting change is a corner stone to moving beyond a betraying circumstance. The depression stage of grief is absolutely necessary for you to allow yourself to experience death of the earlier way of being and to embrace a renewal.

Situation 4
Bargaining and testing: Haven’t you found yourself talking constantly about a betraying circumstance – going over and over it again and again, in the hope of making sense of what happened, how it happened and what you have to learn from it. This is your mind's way of making sense of your betrayal and trying to adjust the reality to explain itself. As a young person whenever a friend had broken up with a boyfriend, someone had snitched behind my back or someone was trying to manipulate me – I found us – a group of friends discussing the circumstance turning it upside down in an attempt to analyze it. Extremely important – it is just your mind’s way of reaching out to others to validate your experiences and to figure out an alternate reality.

The card that often appears for a person who is in this stage is the hanged man, telling the story of the Greek god Odin who hung himself upside down from Yggdrasil (ash) tree to rejuvenate himself. As he waited for people to bring him water and food to quench his hunger & thirst he noticed an alternate reality of the world. In these repeated discussions with the world post betrayal, the tarots say that “you have already lost what there is to lose now there is nothing worse that can happen, your soul is now free to look at the world from an alternate perspective and find a reality that was hitherto unseen”. As Jung says the conscious mind need to dies for the unconscious mind to provide alternate solutions.

Situation 5
It’s been a long journey, from the devil, the chariot, death and the hanged man – several daunting milestones have been passed. You are finally in the presence of a blessing. Acceptance – the way forward exemplified by judgment in the tarots – a complete renewal. The judgment card uses the Indian concept of Karma – a balancing of the accounts of life. In this arduous journey in handling betrayal, you discover parts to yourself that did not earlier exist. It is time for self appraisal for accepting oneself and the circumstance and the resolutions that have been found for inner conflict. It is also the time to appreciate one’s strength and realize that while we condemn those who puff themselves with their own praise – we also condemn those that sell themselves short. SO gather these parts to you and set a future plan for yourself – a resurrection for a new beginning. It is a time for rejoicing and renewal.

Beautifully summed up by the tarots, however one small hitch. We tend to get stuck at one stage or the other mostly denial or long drawn anger. If you find yourself in these situations remember – the lessons of the devil and the chariot – unchain yourself from your inhibitions and phobia and take action to self assert in the face of a conflict. (refer my posts on coping with anger) Another obstacle, we can cycle from bargaining back to anger and denial – this means that not enough time was spent in rooting yourself out of denial – maybe there are some devious fears left unturned – a time for self examination again.

The grief cycle is just so clear and self explanatory but it is not the obvious betrayal which we have a license to grieve over that’s hard – on the contrary it is the subtle betrayals of life that are the harder one’s to map. For example – after the first few years of your marriage you discover your spouse’s feet of clay and experience a betrayal of promises earlier delivered. Another example – when faced with a conflict in the family you married into and your spouse does not stand up for you and no one hears your voice. In your family of origin a sibling is favored over you and you find yourself at the receiving end of unfair dealings – far more insidious forms of betrayal that are just so hard to map on the Kubler Ross cycle. But only because you find it hard to classify these as betrayal. Remember for you to cope with it - you have to say it out loud - i have been betrayed.

The solution is simple stand by yourself – an unshakable belief in your own reality is the one and only way to withstand betrayal and make the journey of grief to towards a rejoicing and renewal.

power games - take 1

What if you are feeling targeted and the in the vortex of an onslaught from an extremely aggressive person? What if you have grown up to be a person who is dumbfounded in the face of this onslaught? What do you do at such times to wrest power back within your grip? Do the cards have anything to say about this?

Sure as always they give ready advice to you. Separate yourself from the person. In situations like these we tend to become one with the perpetrator, his words become reality, his judgments take on a dimension larger than your own meek voice and his opinions about you become much larger in proportion than the vision of your own self. Such is the power of onslaught. Draw inwards like the hermit – and think through who you are – are you a creative person, are you fair, sensitive, loving, intelligent and effervescent? How do you describe yourself? Does your own description match the messages that the perpetrator is giving you, or is it just the force of impact that drives you away from standing by yourself? Ask yourself these questions… In just the act of asking you will find that you are able to connect with who you are and distance the negative messages reaching out to you.

Next figure out - why are you being attacked? Is it something you did or is it the inner experience of the other person to an event that he could not resolve for himself? The answer lies in the five’s – the 5 of wands and the 5 of swords. Extreme jealousy & competition is prevalent in the environment making the perpetrator furiously angry with the circumstance. More than the anger being directed at you – it is his powerlessness that drives him to attack. Ha… a situation which had its beginning in making you powerless is actually insidiously about the attacker’s own helplessness and dis-empowerment.

The cards conclude their advice to you with the strength and death. Both cards teach forbearance – and patience. It is not the weak that walk the path of restraint and acceptance. This path less traveled is for the higher souls. Not a song sung in a eulogy for you, just because you were at the receiving end but the truth. It is easier to retaliate and get the better or worse of the other person. Worse still it is simpler to give in to the onslaught and abandon yourself completely. It is far harder to control your own demons and accept that this is a painful circumstance but one to be dealt with complete submission because the more you push against the factors that demand this change from you the more likely you are to be in pain. Silence is a powerful weapon it can fell a fierce adversary far better than words can. Accept it and bear it.

In such situations you will find that the perpetrator is backed by others whose insidious maneuvers are far more lethal than the ‘in your face’ ones. Same emotions (jealousy & conflict of the 5’s) can be portrayed by a quieter less aggressive person who can easily victimize you without appearing in the wrong. The fact – an aggressive person accepts responsibility for being the wrong doer the quiet manipulator doesn’t. SO the recipient of aggression in the second case walks away with an equal amount of damage as in the first case, without knowing what or who to blame. The blame will in most of these situation turn on your own self.

Cards yet again preach the same process as the first.

1. Separate yourself
2. Ask yourself why are you being attacked?
3. Forbearance & acceptance

With one minor difference… DO not stay silent because such a person needs to be told that you are on to them and you will not allow their machinations to get the better of you… Surely but quietly, using the strength card, let the Machiavellian manipulator know that you know what he is saying but do not agree with it. Do not be the fall guy for other people’s poor motivations.

The tarot teaches lessons which allow us to grow as people. This growth is ALWAYS about learning that the same weapon cannot work in all forms of combat – As the earthly emperor you have to learn that real power is about knowing who you are and standing firmly for yourself and those that you love. Power can never be taken away from you by the aggressive perpetrator or the manipulator if you can hear the voice of your soul.

All things in life come in a balance. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the loving & the hated so on and so forth. So do the powerful and the powerless – it’s all about seeing it the right way –If you are powerful within your own self no earthly maneuverings can wrest that from you. You will even have the affirmations that your wronged soul looks for once you have stopped craving for them.

I guess today I was at the receiving end, hence such insight into how it works… or is it just another way of unraveling an emotional knot for myself.

i am not impotent...

It is extremely important to me that I should not feel impotent at any stage in my life. It is not the question of physical impotence, but the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that engulfs us at various moments in our lives. I have grown up with this strong sense of justice instilled within me and out of all the teachings of the Mahatma, that I have dismissed one stays strongly etched in my psyche – “it is an equal sin to tolerate injustice as it is to commit injustice unto others”. In fact, I think I live life trying to balance the scales of justice, in all my interactions and in this I am my harshest critic.

Recently I was assailed by anxiety in the middle of the night… I was engulfed by a feeling of suffocation and frustration – insomnia claimed me for itself. The evening had been a terrible one and I had walked away from a family visit feeling attacked and targeted for no fault of mine. All of us have felt that often others have taken advantage of our silence, and our reluctance to openly conflict and refute an aggressive person, and continued their onslaught on our dignity. This can happen in many situations, in a family gathering where power is unbalanced, at an office meeting when one or the other colleague is unduly aggressive or even amongst peers and siblings when we find ourselves heckled by a particularly manipulative person who twists our words to ridicule us.

In all these situations, all that we walk away with is a feeling of being unheard, our sense of being wronged, unacknowledged and dismissed and to add insult to injury our own helplessness at not being able to stand up for oneself. Is it any surprise then that I could not sleep?

The beauty of such situations is summed up in two simple words “impotent anger”…

The cards are very eloquent about impotent anger. As always they dwell in the root cause of all phenomena. The cards tell their own story – a plethora of cards turn up in a beautiful sequence of events; the emperor, the 5 of cups, the ten of wands, the magician, the 3 of swords, 8 of cups, knight of pentacles, and the ten of swords. A daunting tale at best; in this case I will try to explain it from my own experience that evening.

The emperor tells us the that my need to feel important in the family turns to grief with the 5 of cups so much so that I can only focus on what is spilled, not on what remains. The spread goes on to indicate that I carry the burden of being manipulated. The ten of wands implicates a load that I carry within me – which I do not know how to unburden myself off and the magician in one of its meanings implying a self centered master manipulator, who is unscrupulous in servicing his needs for power and by his clever words can inflict injury. Naturally I walk away from the interaction feeling grief and betrayal (3 of swords) and the 8 of cups – leaving a situation I have invested emotionally in behind in disappointment and disillusionment. To compound insult to injury I am frustrated by my inaction (knight of pentacles) and the 10 of swords tell its own tale of the end of a false way of looking at a situation & a relationship and hence residual grief.

To cut a complicated story short – it is a family which I have invested in immensely and despite all my efforts there is a master manipulator amongst us who gets the better of me each time. The accompanying feelings of grief, betrayal & disappointment are no surprise. To compound this matter I carry within me an earlier conditioning that needs me to feel powerful in family situations and when I am unable to stand up for myself I feel frustrated and suffocated. I have been so blinded by my own need for power that I am unable to see the situation for what it really is.

The cards go on to advice me that this is an inheritance/ baggage of the past (6 of cups) and hence I am unable to move beyond my prior experiences. It also indicates that I have the Sun, which is success, fulfillment and child like joy in my relationship with my husband the King of cups and it is time for the need to revoke the empress within me – to quote my earlier writings on the empress “almost always signifies a need to nurture your own self (not others), to rejuvenate your spirits, tap into your creative side and extend love and understanding that you would as a mother to your anxious child to yourself”.

I think the message is pretty clear – whenever we have felt unheard follow the tarots in clear simple steps:

1. Do not punish yourself for feeling impotent – focus on validating your own anger – “I do have the right to be angry and I did not react in that situation because it would have been detrimental for my dignity, not because I am a loser and a weakling”. Also we forget that silence is the most powerful of all weapons. Often manipulation when faced with silence rather than retaliation can render itself impotent. So we may not have walked away from the situation as dis-empowered as we think.
2. Think of the positive relationships in that situation that have been nurturing for you and validate your anger with them. Share your feelings of distress with them and ask for another perspective.
3. Ask yourself a difficult situation – is all the impotence I feel only related to the current experience or do I carry some emotional baggage that makes me feel dis-empowered and helpless in such situations. Accept the emotional burden and lay it to rest separating it from the present.
4. Once you have gone through this process – you will be able to take the necessary action to feel the emperor within you – powerful in your negotiations for your won self. It does not matter that you were unable to retaliate just then as long as you are able to set the wrong right for yourself, its perfectly alright – even if it is only later.

The message is clear – “Nor shall derision prove powerful against those who listen to humanity or those who follow in the footsteps of divinity, for they shall live forever. Forever.” – Kahlil Gibran

the many colors of anger

I have found anger a very useful emotion - even a shield. It carefully conceals the true depth of my experiences from me. No matter what the instigation my mind embraces my most favoured reaction – rage! Not distress, sadness, grief, fear or even anxiety. It has a lot to do with the manner in which I have learnt to process life. It is often said to many a trauma survivor – “I don’t know how you could have survived this?” – In other words had I been in your shoes I would have wilted like the delicate flower I am and fallen apart at the slightest provocation. The truth is that it is anger that separates the survivor from the victim and a fighter from the loser.

Needless to say there is a very special place in the tarots for anger. Not one card but several cards reflect various shades of anger that a person may experience. I think as a tarot card reader one of my favourite observations is the many colours anger appears in. Some years back a rather fierce young woman came to me for a reading. With her strong opinions and flashing eyes she epitomised the “witchy woman’s” flying sparks and flashes of lightning. I was mesmerised. As we were reading the cards I realized – here was a woman who had seen tough times in her life and had learnt to survive despite it. Much as she owed her many colors and the vermilion temper to her experiences the cards were very clear in their message to her.

The devil appeared along with death, a powerful combination. It was time to let go off the obsessions of the past – allow yourself to be free from the controlling compulsiveness of the devil and accept that change was imminent. Death also pointed to the fact that the change would not be easy and would come with its pain, a difficult task for a person whose personality has somehow got interwoven with the anger she holds within. It is absolutely true that the very same anger that leant you the edge can become outdated and make it difficult for you to accept your softer & gentler self.

Most of us spend years trying to battle the anger within us, whether its is betrayal, jealousy, humiliation or even greed in multitude situations we use distractions to manage it. Whether it is shopping, alcohol, conversation, food or sex, distractions can only provide a brief respite only to return the anger in full force. The cards however always indicate a healing and nurturing process for the self. As a reader you have to help others make that journey for themselves.

The tarots reflect this is several ways. Many other cards – the 5 of swords with its direct message of a brief but fierce conflict, the 7 of cups with its fantastical illusions, the 5 of wands signifying jealousy and competition, the 7 of swords in one of its shades signifying betrayal and the 8 of cups asking a person to leave disappointment and disillusionment behind all provide us with many reflections of anger. These cards appear in various symmetries and combinations in readings indicating various circumstances but with an underlying experience of anger for the receiver. But as a reader I believe it is my responsibility to not only spell out the eventuality but also look for the messages that the cards send the seeker to help them find peace and tranquillity.

A friend once asked me, have you ever met anyone who is so completely angry that they have no hope of feeling calm. The answer is no. While in a reading you may see several colors of anger, you will also see several shades of hope. Look in the spread for the underlying causes of the anger – is it a current experience that causes it, is it greed and avarice that results in inner unrest, is it misdirected anger about issues unaddressed or is it an ingrained experience that favors this emotion? It is in the cause that you will find the cards, which will provide help. Look for temperance for healing and mercy, the star for positive spirit and hope, the high priestess for guidance and counselling, the empress for regeneration and self healing and even the 4 of cups or 4 of swords for immediate disengagement and enforced rest.

All you need to do is tell the story that anger can only be dealt with through acceptance that you have a reason to be angry, the realisation that it is the most powerful of all emotions and help find ways of channelizing it usefully.