Saturday, May 22, 2010

joi de vivre


The tarots version of true joi de vivre is the Fool Card, or the jester who begins his life with the freshness and joy of youth. It is the only card which unencumbered by contrary experiences and realizations takes a leap of faith into the future driven by the joy of just being. Isn’t that the joy that is so precious to us that we chase it in anti ageing pots and creams, spas and rejuvenation therapies, cleansing mentally and soul-ly; all in the attempt to hang on to that freshness of youth. Simply described the ability to enjoy life to its fullest and with the gusto of youth!

“Sound of vernal showers
On the twinkling grass,

Rain-awakened flowers -
All that ever was
Joyous and clear and fresh –
Thy music doth surpass.”


What is it about the Fool that we are unable to let go? And is it necessary for us to let it go?

Recently I met with some old friends at a getaway and it seemed that all of us walked away charged with the desire to meet again and bask in the carefree bonds again. I asked my self what did this event do for us. After much contemplation the answer became clear – it made us feel good about who we are, not just a throwback memory of the past but a real boost to self esteem as who we have turned out to be. We walked away reaffirming the choices we have made for ourselves and more than the affirmations and appreciation we may have received from others we allowed ourselves to be the recipient of approval from our own selves. The non judgmental quality of the fool – unencumbered by negativity and critical comment the fool is able to trust that life will turn out well for him even if he does not know what life holds for him. He is able to do this because he has not received dents to his self esteem which have the power to turn us into our own worst critics.

I have experienced the same joi the vivre in another memorable situation. Some years ago I worked in a small consultancy with an intimate little team of young people who worked tough long hours together. I was their supervisor and loved every moment of coaching and teaching them. Though my job was to teach them how to create content I ended up being a counselor, friend, mentor and an equal participant in the travails of their life. This bright bunch of young people taught me an important lesson about myself. While I have always been known to be an outspoken and confident person, but this was only skin deep. My inner voice was that of a square, logical and sensible woman who could not accept the gentler side to herself. They taught me that while I may cherish the outspoken self it was in fact harder for a person like me to allow a certain mildness and vagueness to creep into my interactions. This self same crazed chase for sharply defined experiences prevented me from truly letting myself go and accepting the softer person within me.

A lesson so simply taught by youth, who themselves were impatient to acquire the layers of experience so that it would shroud them with a certain gravitas, that would make it easier to influence others. Such is the paradox of life – you only look back at an experience and realize that you missed that moment for what it offered.

“We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:

Our sincerest laughter

With some pain is fraught;

Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.


Yet, if we could scorn
Hate and pride and fear,

If we were things born

Not to shed a tear,

I know not how thy joy we ever should come near.”


To my mind people come to get tarot readings to revive their hope for a better clime, not to visit the prophet of doom. The karmic cycle also points to rebuilding and rebirthing your own self until you achieve oneness with the universe. A rather esoteric & fluffy concept but in real terms quite simple! A friend going through a hard time once said – “ I think I am ill fated – these things always happen to me” Yet another said “Why is it that my relationships always fail and I end up feeling betrayed”. A small sample of the numerous ugly messages we send ourselves in post mortem. Our opinion of ourselves changes. We accumulate layers of critical judgmental thoughts around ourselves. SO is there any reprieve?

Sure, there always is. We carry within ourselves an inner child that helps us experience excitement and joy to its fullest. The inner child is an all knowledgeable, wise little creature who despite having learnt difficult lessons in life retains the ability to revive hope, hence he is our biggest resource in coping with tough times.

This is beautifully depicted in the tarots, by the card Sun. The weather beaten, broken fool through its journey of life arrives at a juncture where he walks the last milestone with a golden happy child. Through him he learns to experience the simple joys of playing in the sun and soaking up the warmth of the surroundings. Through the song and dance he learns to look at himself anew and appreciate himself for who he has become; finally he asks the child – “Who are you?” The child shines brighter and answers, “The new YOU.” Tough times reshape our perspectives and hence reactions to things, the SUN sends us a message – of course expect to be changed but also learn to love it. Only when we love the new us will the inner child be happy and allow us to regain the joi de vivre which may have otherwise dimmed.

So the Sun says to my friend – No you are not ill fated – you haven’t learnt to appreciate the strength within you and nor are you a failure in relationships. Another perspective – you know how to extricate yourself from a bad situation – your sense of self preservation prevents you from continuing in terrible self abusive interactions. An infinitely more loving way to adjudge yourself.

"With thy clear keen joyance
Languor cannot be:

Shadow of annoyance

Never came near thee:

Thou lovest, but ne'er knew love's sad satiety."


Magus the magician has always appeared in my readings for people as a warning. A master manipulator is what I love to call him. He is a charismatic personality with a gift of the gab and the ability to spin yarns around you. So charming are the fantasies that despite yourself you are ensnared for posterity, and enslaved to a person whose motives are more often than not self serving. But is that the only side to the Magus?

Merlin the Magician, born of a human woman and a wellspring called Incubus, possessed supernatural powers. While he was responsible for sorcery he also engineered the birth of King Arthur through magic & intrigue. He became a trusted friend and advisor to King Arthur until possessed by the Lady of the Lake. His story tells us to believe in magic and miracles. Also to believe that there are vast wells of unexplored potential within us we aren’t aware of. Therefore the power to achieve whatever your heart desires also lies within us. This theory has been popularized by many books like The Secret and Creative Visualization but it is the ability to dream that allows us the opportunity to achieve. An important truth told by the Magician.

I have met the Magus and those posing as the Magus. Remember a true Magician does not lie and conceal himself behind deceit – he has the courage to follow his fantasies without extending promises he cannot deliver. Contrary to our pre-conceptions a real Magician is not necessarily the fiery warrior charging on a steed; no he leaves that for the Knights and himself is stoic, and calm and tranquil like the wise man in the moon. Within his sobriety he holds the magic that created the world and the Universe is his to ask from.

True joi de vivre comes from letting go, allowing yourself to dream, fantastic dreams and believing that the ability to achieve them lies within you.

“Teach me half the gladness
That thy brain must know;

Such harmonious madness
From my lips would flow,
The world should listen then, as I am listening now.”


The verses are from the poem – Ode to a Skylark – Percy B. Shelley

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

lost souls...

At one time I believed that all the lost souls were drawn to me like a moth to a flame. I could walk into a gathering and many a pair of searching eyes would zone in on me and there I would be engaged in a disarming conversation with some of them. I thought it was a special talent. It was the ability to provide unconditional acceptance and support that made me who I am. The lost souls would find a sanctuary like no other and never before, and draw from my strength to become bigger and better. Little did I know that rather than a talent it was a quality that was seriously detrimental to my well being? This very talent I needed to recover from to make me stronger within my own self. Yet again it was the age-old suspension of my being clamoring to be a whole. The lost souls resonated with that suspension and were enveloped in its chaos. This synchrony instead of making me feel stronger only served the purpose of splitting me further apart.

Let me introduce you to some such souls. The magician; I met the magician when I was 15. With his silver tongued demeanor he painted the vision of the upright solid gent who forced all others into a faded comparison. Just his strong shining presence paled the rest of the world into a faded yellow. With my very own chaotic suspension, his apparent solidity helped me imagine that I depended on him for support. But true to himself, there he was, the master manipulator – who specialized in helping you believe things that others saw as apparent lies. So strong was the presence that I spun a world of fantasy around myself and him – a fantastic, him-centric world that did not really exist but was designed to make him feel stronger than ever. He drew from my imagined and real world its life blood and slowly and steadily helped erase the boundaries of my security. Frankly I only had myself to blame for the miseries I brought upon myself.

She sought me in a group of the le miserables. She the eternal clinging twine completely absorbed the essence of my need. We were two kindred souls intertwined by our blues. Needless to say we were inseparable. Our inner selves, our experiences in childhood, our emotional chaos all congealed into one large gelatinous mass that threatened choke all the reality of our lives. So strong was the bond that even our miseries became one. I regretted my better circumstance and tried my utmost best to provide what I could to make up for what fortune had favored me with. But it needed to be a timed relationship because reality cannot survive this fusion. Even if one is conjoined, individuality and its demands exert there pressure on the relationship. Both wish to negotiate their own perspective and the lines of “either my way or the high way” are drawn.

He was the spoilt, golden prince and he loved to be loved. And so I like many others did just that… adored him; I loved him till my heart broke into two. I loved him so strongly that I couldn’t separate myself from his wishes. And then we became adults. The golden prince could not find the missing pieces to himself. He had many encounters with the Hierophant and its guidance/assistance to access the various parts to himself, but he was too afraid to look into the compartments within his soul lest one of them turn into the proverbial Pandora’s box. As for me – I could love him no more. My grown self could not help but realize that there was no chance of completion from a source which was so fragmented by itself. The Hierophant could not be the strong man or the emperor of my life. I had no option but to nurse my disappointments and make a curtain call.

The list of lost souls I have been fused with is endless but here is one more that deserves a special mention. She is the Queen of the Universe or so we all believe. Her regal ways and commanding airs have a clear impact on all of us. We all dance to the tune she plays. We dance and we dance till the soles of our feet bleed and the sweat pours of our backs. We bend over backwards, we bend over front forward, we laugh and we joke, we cry and we cajole, we hurt and we forgive, we beg and we plead and it goes on and on like the whirling windmill buffeted by the strong winds of her command. And we never tire. Till the Strong edifice, the Queen is strong no more. Our hearts break to see the object of our slavish reverence so crestfallen only to realize that we have still to continue the never ending dance of subservience.

Do we grudge her this in her hour of need? Frankly No. At least I don’t – My heart breaks every time I see the Tower fallen and the power wrested from the Queen and I wish that she would be the Queen of yore again. But what of the ministers that surround her. They in their otherwise impoverished state maybe ineffective but today have reared their ugly heads for who they are. They have surrounded us with negativity of manipulation, deceit and surreptitiousness. The otherwise subservient minions have today changed the culture of the kingdom to that of insidious means. I am naturally forced to think – which one did I prefer the absolute dance of slavery or this manipulative murky mulch that seems to engulf all in darkness. Frankly I do not have a clear preference.

On our journey through life we meet all kinds of people – some whole and some lost. But it is the LOST souls that leave an imprint in our memories. Ever wondered why? I have come to the conclusion because their apparent weakness resonates with something within us. We are drawn to engage with such people because we find the same lost vestiges within us. The tarots have always prescribed that the path to salvation is to embrace the strength with your failings. No one can hope to move on in life without confronting and accepting those demons.

So I have a choice here – I can choose to talk about them with hatred and hurt that they have caused me with their actions or embrace them as a part of my life that taught me lessons about myself. Of course, embracing does not mean exposing yourself to the same pattern of hurt again and again, rather learning not to repeat the same mistake and protecting your self from self inflicted flagellation and pain. My uncle recently told me – life is governed by a 90-10 rule. We have as little as 10% control over the things that happen to us but have 90% control over how we react to those circumstances. By managing our reaction we can therefore hold our fate in the palms of our hands.

So my inner dialogue can be – “No matter what circumstances are currently impacting my life, they are less important than how I react to them. Accordingly, I have a lot more control over what happens next than you realize. Instead of trying to demonstrate my survival skills or self-sufficiency to anyone else, I need to focus on strengthening my own foundations. It's not about what others think; it's about my integrity.”

I began writing this with a song that exemplifies LOST SOULS for me and so I end with it.

“How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have we found?

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.”

Roger Waters - Pink Floyd