uncertainty does not rest easy...

I can write about love, separation, anger and cataclysm but writing about uncertainty is so elusive. Thoughts that form in my head and waft away before they crystallize! Is it that you lose touch with this feeling as you grow older or is it just something that I don’t want to unearth from the depths of my mind. Perhaps it was my life’s circumstances that prevented me from handling uncertainty well but the word itself threatens to disturb the tentative vestiges of peace within me.

Uncertainty presents itself in various circumstances in life. It begins with a first glimpse as an infant, when unsure of the next meal you cry, to the first crush, then waiting for innumerable successes & failures and finally uncertainty in shouldering the responsibility of one’s decisions. Each time we are faced with this emotion – we think “this is the worst it can get” but there are always surprises in store for us as we grow.

Out of all the various types of uncertainties of life finding a relationship stands out as the most significant of all. Many young persons have posed this question for me “am I going to meet someone this year?” The problem is there is no perfect answer. What if the tarots say yes? The next question will be – “will this person be ‘the one’?” If the tarots yet again answer yes, “will I marry him/her?” – Sure say the tarots – so then “will we be happy together?”... So on and so forth. Therefore even though we feel that we will be satisfied with the answer to whichever ‘will’ we are asking for, the truth is far from it. Knowing full well that we are in a vicious cycle, it still does not deter us from asking the question.

The tarots are there to help in coping with uncertainty, whenever it presents itself. A young person asked me, “Do you think there is anybody, who does not have someone for them?” The tarots don’t believe that some of us are born to be lonely. The cards are based on the karmic cycle of life from the Fool at birth to salvation with the World. The journey is incomplete without learning to negotiate relationships and find completeness within oneself, a lesson only learnt when you have loved and lost, only to love again. As a reader I have never met any person who does not have the hope for finding someone – perhaps only those who stop looking either because they tire of the search or they don’t need to anymore, choose not to be with someone. Then also it is a choice you make – therefore the anxiety about the uncertainty that I will not find someone suitable/compatible is baseless.

Let me illustrate this with several examples. Two men once came to me – they were friends and felt that a serious relationship was elusive and seemingly impossible for them. One of them was a very confident, handsome young man who was surprised that at age 34 he was still single. He told me that his friends accused him of being extremely snooty and vain about his dashing looks – “no one was good enough for him”. The cards surmised – the 6 of cups, the world, 5 of coins, the 4 of wands and the 9 of swords, followed by advice in the form of 2 of wands, the hierophant, strength, and temperance.

This is an aside, to my tarot reader friends. All cards should be read in a sequence and build a story related to the cards moving forward rather than looking backwards. Look for a holistic picture that a spread tells you rather than a piece-meal approach.

The story goes: he was far too stuck in the past and unable to embrace the future without letting go of conditioning from the past (6 of cups). The world signifies in this case a life overseas – which had resulted in him feeling uprooted and lost (5 of coins) and depressed (9 of swords) when he had shifted homes there (4 of wands). All in all, a rather traumatic shift to a foreign locale in the past! Further probing revealed that this in fact was true he had moved there when his parents separated and felt he had lost a part to himself then.

The advice was clear – the 2 of wands implying before you hurry into a pursuit wait – wait and look at what life is offering you, take stock of what you have and what you want, do not hurry into any action. The next card the hierophant teaches us a simple lesson – a need for finding missing parts to your own self. Once again all the cards are unanimous in their statement – you cannot have a meaningful relationship with anyone until you feel whole by your own self. This was followed by strength which simply put means control the demons of self loathing and excesses within you; give your self the quiet time to let the hierophant figure out who you are and what you want. The final card temperance says the same thing that healing would happen and options for relationships would reveal themselves to him.

The cards here teach us an important lesson, often what appear is not. A snobbish looking person maybe as troubled as a humble one and outward robustness often does not tell the inner tale a person experiences.

The second young man, a simple, suggestible and earnest looking soul had a different tale to tell. He had met many people and had a close relationship with a woman he really liked but was unable to commit to. Hence, he continued to look for love elsewhere. The cards reassured him in their own way. The first part told him that since he had already decided that he could not commit, he should treat it as a relationship concluded and stop distracting himself from moving on. The 5 of cups, the queen of swords, the ace of swords, 5 of wands and the 2 of cups; cards explained that the young man had experienced some grief (5 of cups) associated with the queen of swords, and he should slice this entanglement out of his life by the deciding ace of swords and hanging on to this relationship posed a distraction (5 of wands) which pulls him away from finding real intimacy elsewhere.

The cards next indicated that he would meet a queen of wands soon, someone he has known awhile (6 of cups) and that perhaps he will be able to form a relationship with a person who helps him feel secure (the temperance) and makes him feel stronger for himself (the emperor). That someone who will be the strength in his life, quite unlike the queen of swords with her slightly more fickle and self centered pursuits…

The cards helped both the persons cope with their uncertainty differently – in the first case, to understand that the feeling of uncertainty had become one with his self, due to earlier experiences while in the second case the uncertainty was induced by a relationship which had run its course but not as yet been expunged from life.

In most cases the cards indicate that uncertainty induces fear and hence the only way to cope with the fear is to name it, once you have identified the exact root cause of the fear, you will be able to find the necessary solutions and the fear of uncertainty will lose its hold on you.

It is so easy to dwell on the feeling when discussing others but yet my own inability to cope with panic every time I am faced with it is quite explicable. Through a gazillion experiences; waiting for a boyfriend to call, waiting to hear about an examination result, an unresolved fight with a spouse, an unexecuted decision, waiting to catch a flight… and many more, I have accepted that severe anxiety in coping with uncertainty is 2nd nature for a person like me. I don’t think that this is the time to analyze why I am that way or what has caused such a reaction, but to understand what the cards say to me. They have always told me to teach myself acceptance.

What if you are an anxiety prone individual who finds it harder than others to deal with uncertainty? Will beating yourself about it make it easier? Will it make the palpitations, the sweating and the purging lesser? Not at all! SO might as well accept that this is me, I really cannot punish myself for this, instead I will anticipate that I WILL have this reaction when faced with any uncertainty and hence will plan to deal with it.

For me, I have found my answer in a simple strategy – I work as hard as I can on anything that I am undertaking and then let it hang suspended in my brain for a while without punishing myself about anxiety that I experience too much. I know that after a period of rest my brain or the universe, whatever you wish to call it, will pop a solution that is the best for me and I will be able to make sense of the chaos. I am sure you have heard of it – it is called serendipity.

i am not impotent...

It is extremely important to me that I should not feel impotent at any stage in my life. It is not the question of physical impotence, but the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that engulfs us at various moments in our lives. I have grown up with this strong sense of justice instilled within me and out of all the teachings of the Mahatma, that I have dismissed one stays strongly etched in my psyche – “it is an equal sin to tolerate injustice as it is to commit injustice unto others”. In fact, I think I live life trying to balance the scales of justice, in all my interactions and in this I am my harshest critic.

Recently I was assailed by anxiety in the middle of the night… I was engulfed by a feeling of suffocation and frustration – insomnia claimed me for itself. The evening had been a terrible one and I had walked away from a family visit feeling attacked and targeted for no fault of mine. All of us have felt that often others have taken advantage of our silence, and our reluctance to openly conflict and refute an aggressive person, and continued their onslaught on our dignity. This can happen in many situations, in a family gathering where power is unbalanced, at an office meeting when one or the other colleague is unduly aggressive or even amongst peers and siblings when we find ourselves heckled by a particularly manipulative person who twists our words to ridicule us.

In all these situations, all that we walk away with is a feeling of being unheard, our sense of being wronged, unacknowledged and dismissed and to add insult to injury our own helplessness at not being able to stand up for oneself. Is it any surprise then that I could not sleep?

The beauty of such situations is summed up in two simple words “impotent anger”…

The cards are very eloquent about impotent anger. As always they dwell in the root cause of all phenomena. The cards tell their own story – a plethora of cards turn up in a beautiful sequence of events; the emperor, the 5 of cups, the ten of wands, the magician, the 3 of swords, 8 of cups, knight of pentacles, and the ten of swords. A daunting tale at best; in this case I will try to explain it from my own experience that evening.

The emperor tells us the that my need to feel important in the family turns to grief with the 5 of cups so much so that I can only focus on what is spilled, not on what remains. The spread goes on to indicate that I carry the burden of being manipulated. The ten of wands implicates a load that I carry within me – which I do not know how to unburden myself off and the magician in one of its meanings implying a self centered master manipulator, who is unscrupulous in servicing his needs for power and by his clever words can inflict injury. Naturally I walk away from the interaction feeling grief and betrayal (3 of swords) and the 8 of cups – leaving a situation I have invested emotionally in behind in disappointment and disillusionment. To compound insult to injury I am frustrated by my inaction (knight of pentacles) and the 10 of swords tell its own tale of the end of a false way of looking at a situation & a relationship and hence residual grief.

To cut a complicated story short – it is a family which I have invested in immensely and despite all my efforts there is a master manipulator amongst us who gets the better of me each time. The accompanying feelings of grief, betrayal & disappointment are no surprise. To compound this matter I carry within me an earlier conditioning that needs me to feel powerful in family situations and when I am unable to stand up for myself I feel frustrated and suffocated. I have been so blinded by my own need for power that I am unable to see the situation for what it really is.

The cards go on to advice me that this is an inheritance/ baggage of the past (6 of cups) and hence I am unable to move beyond my prior experiences. It also indicates that I have the Sun, which is success, fulfillment and child like joy in my relationship with my husband the King of cups and it is time for the need to revoke the empress within me – to quote my earlier writings on the empress “almost always signifies a need to nurture your own self (not others), to rejuvenate your spirits, tap into your creative side and extend love and understanding that you would as a mother to your anxious child to yourself”.

I think the message is pretty clear – whenever we have felt unheard follow the tarots in clear simple steps:

1. Do not punish yourself for feeling impotent – focus on validating your own anger – “I do have the right to be angry and I did not react in that situation because it would have been detrimental for my dignity, not because I am a loser and a weakling”. Also we forget that silence is the most powerful of all weapons. Often manipulation when faced with silence rather than retaliation can render itself impotent. So we may not have walked away from the situation as dis-empowered as we think.
2. Think of the positive relationships in that situation that have been nurturing for you and validate your anger with them. Share your feelings of distress with them and ask for another perspective.
3. Ask yourself a difficult situation – is all the impotence I feel only related to the current experience or do I carry some emotional baggage that makes me feel dis-empowered and helpless in such situations. Accept the emotional burden and lay it to rest separating it from the present.
4. Once you have gone through this process – you will be able to take the necessary action to feel the emperor within you – powerful in your negotiations for your won self. It does not matter that you were unable to retaliate just then as long as you are able to set the wrong right for yourself, its perfectly alright – even if it is only later.

The message is clear – “Nor shall derision prove powerful against those who listen to humanity or those who follow in the footsteps of divinity, for they shall live forever. Forever.” – Kahlil Gibran

love, love and love

Last night a young person asked me – how do you know what to look for? Is there any card in the tarots that indicates or defines that this is the love I have been looking for? Well, the answer lies in the fact that different people experience love differently. In my experience people have described their feeling of love in their own way and the tarots have a danced to the symphony they created. SO instead of holding forth on the subject and giving my opinion I think I will let the tarots and the speakers speak for themselves. These are all excerpts from books and my own jottings on my experiences.

Here’s how a woman describes her experience: “Lets put the boot on your foot - if you knew that I might die in the next 6 months and you loved me. Would you marry me and have my baby - despite being destitute and not certain which way your life would go - just to hang on to that perfect moment of love? Do you know what it feels like to have a baby that is a part of someone who completes all that you want from life? In another life that is something I would want with you. SO I am issuing it as a prayer for my soul to remember!”

In her reading we found the devil and the hanged man with the 4 of cups. The Devil, for a slightly obsessive and passionate kind of love that preys on her own emotions driving her to experience intensity that may otherwise not be possible to feel; and the hanged man to allow herself to understand a new reality. They see when we have nothing left to lose our soul is freed from the shackles of ‘what if, but & why’ and life is visible in a perspective otherwise concealed. They say the experience of birth is much the same – the woman for the first time realizes that life depends on her and that she is nothing but a pawn in the hands of nature, with very little control on what’s to be. In this loss she discovers her true potential and a new ability to take on the travails of life. So in her own words her subconscious clearly indicates to her the message that the tarots parody. She needs a new perspective on the obsessive love she feels. Why does she want to be so conjoined with her love, is this really good for her? The 4 cups brings home the indication – a forced disengagement and a little distance will allow her to introspect – the reasons for such a need.

In another story a man and a woman were in a relationship which brought out the worst in them. Cantankerous, difficult, nasty and plain passionate... The relationship continued for several years until realizing the futility of it all, the woman decided to end it and get married. Ironically there relationship is exposed. A reasonably mundane occurrence but what fascinated me were a couple of statements - He says to the woman: “At least I was faithful for 12 years to my wife before I met you but you are claiming to be in love with the man you are about to marry while you are still with me.” Then again he says, after she is married: “I didn't tell you that I broke up with my wife because you are married now.” What fascinated me was the difference in which he viewed honesty to himself? All the years that she wanted more, he had nothing to offer and then just when she gets married and voila! His life changes and he explains his own decisions with this odd concept of respect for a marriage - so different from the way a woman feels.

In his cards we saw justice and the hanged man. Justice is the one card completely governed by logic and the balancing of the just and fair against what is undeserved. So when justice appears it mean you will get your just desserts – so as you sow so shall you reap. In his case – he balanced the good and the evil in himself and his girlfriend and explained that he had only strayed from his marriage after having accepted that he had done his best and could not make the relationship work, whilst the girl was being unfair to her fiancée by being involved with another man while pledging marriage. Similarly he weighs himself as the wrong doer and allows himself to be punished by not disclosing to his erstwhile girlfriend his singular status and bears his separation in isolation. However the hanged man points him to a new perspective having lost all that he held dear and indicates that he needs to cast away his earlier veneer and feel love and compassion for himself. In other words mitigate the harsh sword of justice. Interesting isn't it? It amazed me. Of course they broke out of their relationships and were happy ever after.

Some interesting thoughts? What say?

The star in the tarot signifies a pure hopeful love, the fool on its journey after having lost all, finds himself drinking from a maiden’s urn, water filled with starlight signifying the birth of hope and the return of love to your life. It also reminds the soul that there is no one soulmate – the message of love is hopeful – even if you lose you will find love again in a newer form. In your reading if accompanied with any of the cards from the minor arcana like the nine of cups (signifying wishes fulfilled) or the knight of cups (tentative steps towards romance) it means allow your heart to sing with joy and embrace the feeling of love. Consider yourself truly blessed if you find the two of cups – you are in a relationship of equals – where your other half completes your being. Your partner will support you, cherish your inner self and allow you to grow.

As a friend once spoke about her love “The one thing that truly lifted my spirits today - you know that you have found perfect love when your heart sings every time you hear their voice, when you feel everything is all right with the world, when you are with them and when you know you are complete in that moment you have with them. Then there truly is nothing more you want from life (if you die then it does not matter). The rest is a relationship negotiating it - maintaining it and investing in it.” Sounds very idealistic and perhaps transient but a moment in love worth hanging on to?

I want to end this reprieve with the world – the ultimate card for love. The world… This card perhaps the most powerful of all has several meanings but it also signifies the end of the journey for love. When the world appears in your search for love – you have found nirvana and completed successfully the goal you set out for. You are in the presence of perfection, wholeness, satisfaction and happiness. But you surprise yourself by finding that you have finally reached where you began – learning to trust and let go. In other words a love we all strive for but seldom achieve. Unconditional love - a mythical concept, only felt by a mother for her new-born child and love for god in a search for the spiritual self.

However, in the adult form experienced transiently with a perfect someone. In a discussion over dinner someone explained how they felt “I wanted to tell you that even when I have fought with you bitterly and am feeling hurt to my deepest core - I know I can feel that pure joy only with you. Remember I told you that I like the poem Ode to a skylark - I think that joy is what I am talking about that sets your spirits free. So you are free to behave as you wish that feeling is mine to hold and cherish and even you can't take it away from me. I think this is the strength of my vulnerability - knowing unerringly that even I have no control over this. It gives me the strength to speak the truth.”

Maybe that is why all the so called spiritual gurus were found in pairs!

the sacred and the profane

These words ring in my years every time I look at the Lovers’ card. Life is about choices isn’t it – that is the very reason why this particular card, which marks the souls journey into adulthood, teaches us to make choices and live with the consequences of those choice. Men and women alike are faced with this choice at some juncture in their lives.

The Lovers card is shown with Adam and Eve looking up at an angel – Raphael signifying, mercury and air, the basic element of Gemini. It means something mercurial and transforming is in the air – and what is constant is going to be altered. That is exactly the effect love has on us – the proverbial ‘rose tinted spectacles’ being one. Those governed by logic and science, report love as a chemical reaction, one that alters the blood chemistry and results in a feeling of euphoria. The reality lies somewhere in between and definitely dulls human ability to make rational decisions, such is the power of the Lovers card.

Does that mean that all decisions taken in love are profane? Is there a right or a wrong kind of love? Is it just society that decides this?

Over the years I have found that a large number of people who come to me are looking for a soulmate. Whether it is the young or the old the search for a soulmate is a never ending, awe inspiring one. Someone who completes your sentences, reads your thoughts even before you have crystallized them and accepts you as you are with no questions asked, epitomizes the dream lover or the soulmate. The desire for such a heavenly being overrides all other needs and requirements. Young and the old have asked the same question “Tell me is there a special someone in my life who I will meet?” My belief yes there is… not a special someone but several such special someone’s.

So then was nature’s way of making the primitive man polygamous the most natural one? This is where the Lover’s card in the tarot steps in. In one of my readings with a friend the person reported she had finally met the man of her dreams, a little too late because she was already married and had a family she did not want to leave. However, she was unwilling to let go off this new relationship that life had offered her. The new interaction provided her with a sense of completion she had not experienced before. She felt that she could handle and balance the two parts to herself. The cards that came in her spread were the Lovers and the two of swords, a stalemate. Did that mean that she would be able to maintain the balance she so desired?

There can always be many interpretations. The one that seemed to make sense was, the 2 of swords signifies a balance as long as you hold still, you remain blindfolded oblivious to the outer world because any sudden reactions can upset the balance and cause the swords to tip over. Could she hold on to the moment and maintain status quo? A big question, because love by its nature is volatile. If the new love is all satisfying and complete, her reality will appear faded in comparison to the suffused color of the new relationship pushing her to make a choice leaving status quo. Something in the circumstances would definitely alter to accommodate the new reality – unbalancing the swords.

So then would you advice her to give up the new relationship and adjudge it profane? You will find the answer in the Lover’s card. The spiritual meaning of the Lover’s card means that a man and a woman are two complimentary sources of energy, the yin and the yang. The soul on its earthly journey to the universe needs to understand this balance to communicate with its spiritual self. Only then will it be able to move on in the cycle of life and embrace higher lessons. In simple words to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship you first need to have a relationship with yourself, i.e., accept yourself with your strengths and your failings.

We often look for what is missing within us in a relationship outside, in the hope that the other person will help us get in touch with that lost part and allay our fears while we are feeling lost. The Lovers teaches us just that lesson. To have a successful relationship first be whole – work at claiming all your missing parts for yourself. Once that is done the choice will be clear… the relationship that allows you to spread your wings, realize your full potential and lets you make your journey in your own chosen way is the one to depend one and is sacred to you. On the other hand, the one which is wrought with insecurity, fear and anxiety is the profane.

The tarots did not give my friend a yes or no answer but did give her enough to reflect on. What did SHE want? What in her current life made her happy – what was necessary for her to feel confident about herself? Was this new relationship just her search for herself? Was her marital relationship stifling and did not allow her to be herself? Which choices could she live with? Questions only she could answer – but answers that were imperative to find, as only then could she find the real balance in her life which is not a stalemate.

I have known of many choices. Some leave earlier relationships to find new ones, others stay despite a sense of unhappiness, some choose to stay single and have several relationships. yet others have dalliances on the side to distract from the unhappiness of the present… the tarot’s do not deem any choice to be profane. Only what is not good for your soul is profane and what you can find contentment and peace with is sacred. Souls singular goal is to seek freedom from obsessions and discontentment.

So does this question face only the poor married souls who have to make this choice? Is life just cut out for the singles? NO. The same question presents itself to them as well, albeit in a different form - “What kind of a person am I looking for?” Why am I not able to find the perfect person for me? Once again – the Lover’s provides the answer. First find what you miss in yourself and then embark on that journey to find love. A little bit of love for your own self can go a long way in finding love outside.

The Lover’s card also leaves you with something to reflect on – Is it imperative to be loved? Is it possible to be without love? Is it possible to be complete in your own self without this demonic search for a soulmate?

our earthly mother, the empress

Our generation grew up singing songs like “mother of mine, you gave to me…” , a song sung in eulogy of the mothers in our lives, ensuring that the power distance between us and them remained so. Today many of us as mothers are striving to be ‘friends’ with our children a euphemism to ensure that they keep talking to us. A very scathing opinion given by one of my lady friends who came for a reading. To cut a long story short she came to examine the difficult relationship she and her daughter shared. The daughter as all teenagers do felt her privacy threatened by her overbearing mother and the mother was battling with her insecurities regarding safety, moral character and future prospects of her progeny.

The empress in their reading came as a sign of need for self nurturing – contrary to popular beliefs the empress in my readings almost always signifies a need to nurture your own self (not others), to rejuvenate your spirits, tap into your creative side and extend love and understanding that you would as a mother to your anxious child to yourself. This powerful card is timeless and sends us a clear message – ‘the mother daughter relationship can only be successful if both parties feel nurtured, understood and accepted’. In other words if you want to heal a relationship which has gone rocky, first and foremost, accept your own weakness and forgive yourself. Only in extending compassion to your own self can you be kind to others.

The empress, the bearer of a harvest and creative abundance, teaches us to embrace all that is productive within us.

In my early years as a tarot reader a young person asked me about when they would get married and whether they would at all. Every which way the cards said one and the same thing… marriage seemed a definite yes – the earthly mother has appeared signifying the reign of fertility along with a relationship in the person’s near future. A few months later she came back to me and stated that contrary to what we had discussed she was really far from marriage in fact she had broken off with an already married man and ended up handling an unwanted pregnancy. I was aghast _ I obviously had overlooked the card for its meaning – Fertility. In fact the Tarots tell a very simple story – so what can seemingly appear as marriage just because I read the empress as marriage, since the enquirer asked about marriage, can actually mean motherhood and fertility.

An important lesson – allow yourself to listen to the messages from the cards without getting influenced by what the seeker wants. You will be able to hear the cards loud and clear if you focus on the person rather than what he/she speaks, asks and wishes. Think about the person and submit to the complete belief that what you will hear will be true.

The empress has always been extremely fascinating for me – maybe because my own rocky relationship with my mother had a huge impact on the way I think and negotiate relationships. In fact the rockier the relationship the harder it is to separate your mother’s voice in your head from your own. I have found that when you do grow up you become a harsher critic of your own actions than your mother ever was. Therefore, despite all the work I have done to change the way I think, I have finally found solace in the fact that you cannot change the fact that you love your mother, their opinion does matter but at the same time you can choose to forgive yourself if your actions do not always match up to her expectations.

the why and the wow of the tarots

I was talking to my nieces today about starting this blog and the first question they asked, as all young people do, was 'Why?' followed by the next most favorite 'Wow'. If you really think about it that almost completely sums up my need for this. The eternal and unending 'whys' that face the 40+ gang like mine and the wide eyed delightful 'wows' that surround every new experience of the younger people.

I believe most brilliant things in life are simple - therefore I believe that everyone can read the tarots and there really is no complex science to it. So my goal is also simple - to help people learn what I know about tarots and an insidious objective of helping people find what they are looking for.

I began reading tarots at 24 and today at 42 I am still a learner as I think I always will be. In all these years I have believed that in sharing with others you will get some answers to the Whys and experience some of the Wows. When one is younger everything is beautiful and wondrous - every experience opens your mind to the gazillion possibilities that exist in any situation. I think as a Tarot reader you have to continue to remain in touch with that wonder and experience it every single time you see something new in the cards. The newness may come from remembering a new meaning to any card or it may come from the reaction of the person you are reading for. I think the simplest way to lose it is to become so blasé that you assume you know what the other person is experiencing. A little like if the love of my life leaves me I may be furiously angry and contemplate violence whereas someone else in the same circumstance may actually feel heartbroken, saddened and hopeless, a completely different reaction to the same situation.

I have found that most people go to astrologers, palmists and tarot readers to find an answer to various types of whys. Even those like me who choose to become tarot readers are seeking an answer to our whys, but perhaps want a little more control over getting those answers. The truth is there is no absolute answer - each card has at least 2-3 shades or meanings and the permutations and combinations of the flanking cards can create unending possibilities.

Any card has several dimensions - a feeling quotient, a sense of time, an unfolding of an event and a direction/path/guidance attached to it.

Let's take the five of pentacles - a visual image of the poor freezing outside the church - a distinct sense of getting lost but at the same time a sense of the wanderer. I typically associate it with a feeling of lacking a sense of belonging to any place/person but as an event unfolding it also means that despite the fact that your home is staring you in the face you are not able to make a connect with it. This card has appeared in my reading when someone is in a rocky relationship, when they have just started a new project/job and they have not as yet found their groove, just before an impending important exam or when you have just got married and are yet adjusting to your new home. I believe that if it comes in your own spread the cards are telling you to look for answers within you as it is highly likely that the answers to the "why" you are looking for are probably staring you in the face and cannot be seen because of the overriding anxiety you experience at that moment. So to gain objectivity, ask your closest friend to state the obvious and you will have your answer pat. Once again the five of pentacles is a fleeting card and will last only as long as you allow it to.

I think I am writing this today because I had the opportunity to be touched by the enthusiasm and joy of youth and it left me wondering that why life is such a paradox. The wonder (wow) that you need to be a tarot reader is best within your grasp when you are young but strangely enough you are only able to let yourself hear the answers to whys when experience teaches you to stop judging yourself. So if you aspire to be a tarot reader the 2nd lesson is learn to forgive yourself...

you know your own future

I have been reading tarots now for 15 years with improving confidence. People say I am good - I guess that means I can foretell the future accurately. Still every time one of my friends reports such "bang-on" accuracy I only feel incredulous and of course wonderous. Incredulous because it is not me, in fact it has little to do with me - I truly just am the telephone that helps them hear - and frankly they believe they need the telephone when actually they are only hearing themselves. I think I will always be wondrous of the way all this works - that yet again I heard the truth and chose to believe in it.

Tarots are such a passion today but over the years I have learnt that all it takes is belief - the unshakable and absolute belief that what I am seeing/experiencing is true. Once an aunt asked me when will I be able to tell the future - and I remember telling her that you can already, you just don't let yourself - you are afraid to let go. If you allow the disquiet of doubt, uncertainty and anxiety to silence itself you will have your answers loud and clear...

So here's to all the tarot reading aspirants - before you learn the meanings of cards and the spreads, focus on learning to believe - believe your own self.