when deafness surrounds you...

Our entire generation goes misty eyed about the song “The Sounds of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, which talks about human dependence on technology robbing real communication between people. So true, but something I am also supporting through this blog. But today I am thinking about a slightly more perturbing predicament – imagine a surreal situation where you are screaming in a room full of people surrounded by voices, chatter and the clinging and clanging of real life, but no-one can hear. You scream and you scream, your face turns purple, your breath runs out and the shrillness of your own screeches in your ears makes you fear the cacophony you must be creating, but all those around you continue about their chores as if you and your sounds do no exist. In short, you are surrounded by deafness. Doesn’t it sound like the scary reproduction of B grade horror film – I am afraid I will have to disappoint you, this is real.

Meet Rani, she will tell you about herself. She is a 15 year old very fierce young girl, very smart and way ahead of other students in her grade. She has an idyllic home, loving parents, a sister and doting grandparents. All outsiders who look at her talk about, how she has all that she possibly could want! And she does… Scratch the surface and you will find pain in the young girl’s eyes, why? Rani’s parents encourage their children to talk to them, and so Rani shares the adolescent realities of her world with them.

She tries to talk about the pressures she faces in life, the terrible struggle to stay popular in her school, the social pressures of conforming to the traditions of her family, the do’s and don’ts of good behavior, keeping up the style quotient, her troubles with boys, her emotional upheavals – you name it and she has tried. Each time she opens a little core of her being she finds herself facing judgments and analysis that does not make sense to her. Keeping up with the Joneses is so important in her family that they forget to accommodate for the blossoming eccentricities of their daughter. So much so, that only those opinions and sharing are validated that fit in with their world view, anything slightly different is dismissed as irrelevant crazy ravings of adolescent hormones. Despite having everything she could possibly desire, Rani finds herself getting alienated from her idyllic home.

She soon finds herself feeling run down, ill and racked with weird anxieties and phobias. Her parents are naturally concerned, but after the doctor assures them that Rani is physically fit, they dismiss her illnesses as psychosomatic symptoms of adolescence. For a family that believes in love and support, they can only extend their deafness to their special child.

Rani grows into a strong young woman who has internalized the deafness that surrounds her by being an aggressive person with a distinct difficulty in listening to others herself. She carries that anger within her and extends it to others through rejecting their pleas for a real connection. She works as a really successful career woman in a bank, but is not known for her compassion.

Rani meets Saroj at a club. Saroj is a typical suburban mom. Busy with parenting her little son, they meet at the swimming pool on a weekend and become great friends. They soon discover that Saroj is Rani’s colleague’s (at the bank) wife. Saroj looks forward to coffee weekends with Rani, she feels that Rani’s intensity compliments her milder view of the world. Soon they are really close friends and share confidences with each other.

Saroj’s soothing manner calms Rani and allows her an opportunity to listen to someone else for a change. She sees her friend’s wonderful happy little home and is a little wistful that she has never attempted such a life for herself. They both often laugh that for two people from worlds so far away from each other, they seem to get along so famously.

One day Saroj tells her that her beautiful family is not so wonderful after all. Her accomplished husband and she have experienced great difficulty forming a bond. An overly interfering mother-in-law has prevented the young couple from having a moment of peace. There marital life has been so strife torn that they have not been able to forge that trust that spouses should share before they have their offspring. Saroj’s mildness of manner and conventional upbringing stops her from leaving her home and child. She attempts to explain time and again to her husband, that they should distance themselves just a little from his family of origin and find space for their marital life. But his overwhelming filial love prevents him from seeing sense. Saroj is afraid that this will adversely affect her son and his psyche.

She has tried to communicate this difficulty to her mother in law and their family, but ends up getting adjudged as just “different’ and ‘troubled’. Instead of helping the young wife they end up encouraging their son’s behavior as normal and Saroj’s behavior as ranting of a mad woman. As long as Saroj, tows the line and never every questions the rationale of the family she shall be a good human being else, she is a sinner and a person to be shunned. Support be damned to hell, she ends up being the odd freak to mistrusted and doubted at all times. Despite being in a family she ends up being alone.

Rani hears Saroj’s story and realizes – what they have in common? What is that bond that draws them close? Why despite all the freakish differences they end up finding solace in each other’s company – they share the same distress – the distress of having been surrounded by deafness. Screaming and screaming yourself hollow, to have someone hear but no one does. Why – because people around them do not wish to hear anything that disturbs their own construct of reality, any stimuli which will make them question the logic of their actions threatens to disturb the carefully balanced house of cards they have created for themselves. They have sold their soul to their own ideas and can only hear sounds of silence.

“And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence”

Rani listens in wonder that despite being a sufferer of similar circumstance both their reactions to life have been so definitively different. She shares her story with Saroj – this is perhaps the first time she is telling someone. Saroj hears her and is shaken that her friend with a predilection for strong words and strong statements could be actually hiding a vulnerable child underneath. She convinces Rani – that they should pay a visit to a Tarot healer she has heard of for guidance. Rani who is pretty dismissive of such an idea initially, gives in to her friends wish and decides to accompany her albeit with severe doubt about the worth of such an endeavor. Here’s the guidance that they both receive from the tarots.

Saroj’s Reading

The first layer of her reading says simply – Saroj is coping with severe disappointment at the hands of her family, though a path will soon appear to help her forsake her disappointments and move away from unrest. The cards advice her, to be strong and adamant in the face of adversity and to stand steadfastly besides herself. Any hurried flurry of action can result in the misbalance of the carefully balanced swords. She is living holding her emotions tightly in control and any desperate and impulsive act will only succeed in disturbing her sense of balance.

The second layer focuses Saroj on a simple fact – judgment day is near. “The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that this is a final decision. Either to go forward, or stay where he is. He blows, and the trumpet's song echoes across the sky, its vibrations seeming to crack open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, memories rise. Images of his innocent youth, challenges, loves, failures, losses, success, disillusionment and wisdom. For the first time, he does not try to leave them, ignore or forget them, but accepts them”. Judgment tells her that a moving will only happen if she lets go of the hurts – destiny will deal with those that have harmed – and to feel mercy for herself and others (temperance).

She can find solace and wellness in her strengths – the conversations she has with her friends (page of wands), the appreciation she receives within her group of friends and in society (the 3 of cups), the hard work she is capable of – maybe even try a new opportunity for work and the creativity she has within herself (ace of wands). Embracing these strengths she will regenerate and renew herself. She will provide self nourishment to herself (the empress).

Once she does that justice shall have its day – those that have harmed shall pay dearly for the harm done unto her and her relationship with her husband shall be restored to what it should have been – she will find complete love (2 of cups).

Rani heard and it thought to herself – something any psychologist could have told her. And then it was her turn. She wanted to test the tarots – without telling the reader about herself – get a reading which would help her.

Rani’s reading
The reading begins with the advice – “take hurried action – do not deliberate too much act on an impulse and find a counselor/therapist or a healer to consult with. This is a journey you cannot make alone.” The cards advice Rani to find help through a trained professional who will help her move towards finding love – to find the blessing that we may allow love to flow into our lives. Above all Rani needs to learn to allow herself to be loved – her logical/rational mind overrides her vulnerability – she will definitely need to help to accept that about herself and then feel safe to let others see it.

The second step tells her to show mercy (temperance) to herself and others – to be less harsh in her judgments of other people and reality – to move beyond the betrayal (7 of cups) that her family’s deafness has meted out to her. Once she does that the star will restore her hope for love (refer my earlier post on betrayal for the complete meaning of the star). She has already lost her childhood – she now needs to change the inherited spectacles she uses to look at life and develop a new perspective that comes from wisdom and having survived trying circumstances (hanged man). Only when she gives up her attachment to the earlier way of judging others will she find peace. When faced with adversity in childhood we tend to absorb it as a part of our identity; which them becomes a construct to be questioned.

The last part of the cards deliver a more trying message for Rani – she needs to work hard at managing both her confident and the dark side to herself (chariot). It is a struggle that will not come easy. She will only be able to win the battle through determined effort and realization that it is in times of uncertainty (the moon) that her instincts kick in. She needs to watch herself in insecure situations and learn to accept that she may be vulnerable and that being deaf and aggressive to others view is only one way to dealing with it. The message of love she has learnt from the ace of cups and temperance, in the first part is another manner of dealing with uncertain times.

Given all that she has the full potential of developing into the independent, successful and peaceful individual like the queen of pentacles.

The drive back home...
Rani and Saroj are amazed – they have a lot to think about. The tarot readings have provided the guidance they needed. They ride home in silence. It is needless to say that they will certainly think about this at every alone moment they find.

They have both tried to tell others what they really wanted – a hearing – in more ways than one – but the one thing they forgot to provide – extend that hearing to their own selves.

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
" But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence…

how do I move on...

The grief cycle is just so simplistic, once the giraffe’s foot hits the bottom of the quicksand pit, he becomes aware that an alternate view of the world is visible and new solutions to life become apparent. Unfortunately it’s not so simple. Every time grief turns up on our doorstep we say to ourselves, “if I can get over this, I can survive just about anything in life.” But moving on is complex and as soul searching as the process of accepting grief.

Let’s explore this a little more. Eva asked me – “Help me find pieces of myself. I have coped with my loss (her spouse of 15 years had walked out on her) and everyone around me feels – I am whole despite it. I wish I could say the same for myself. Help me discover what I believe – For a person as compulsively articulate as me, speaking out is not hard – what is harder is to stick with an opinion I had. My experiences have made me change what I believed in, question the basis of data processing in my brain and definitely eat my own words so many times that I have a great amount of difficulty, if not fear in making statements about what I shall or shall never do. I have learnt that there are no givens and nothing is cast in stone hence I often find myself questioning an opinion I may form in my head even before my lips have opened to emit the first opining sounds.”

What Eva was trying to tell us that, when we love and trust someone for a long period of time, they become a part of who we are? We begin to see ourselves as reflected by them; their reactions to us insidiously creep into our beliefs and identity. “I sought to alter the person I love, but ended up altering myself.” It was no surprise that the loss of such a relationship would make her question what she believed in. She needed to re-gather the fractured fragments of her mind and reiterate her thoughts for her own self in order to move on.

We embarked on the journey of the search for Eva and explored several aspects to her life- we looked at things she wanted and the demons she wanted to defeat - here’s what turned up:

4 of cups & 8 of swords: Eva had learned to cope with her loss by drawing into a numb state and blocking out real fears and feelings for the circumstance. What had begun as a process of self protection was now outdated. Just accepting her grief had not helped her forge a vital connection with life as yet. A shroud of faded numbness still clouded the sharp images of relationships and interactions.

Disengagement and an uninvolved manner of existence prevented her from accepting things about herself and others. Her fears (8 of swords) held her captive and prevented her from bringing about change in her life - we asked her to formulate an affirmation – “I believe that people can be changed – they just need a catalyst that begins that process of change. Sometimes the catalyst is themselves, a catastrophic event, a powerful influence, a personal emergency or even necessity. I also believe that in some way I change everyone I come in contact with – that is perhaps a talent I have.”

The justice: Acceptance yields into eventual forgiveness. But the feelings of revenge take a long time to go. Though she had accepted hurt a lingering sense of revenge stayed – the justice card showed up telling her that life has its own way of delivering its retribution. Her statement will reveal a need for acceptance that those that hurt shall pay – but may not be at your hands or in the manner in which you want them to pay, but pay they shall. She said “I believe in divine retribution – I believe there IS a reason why something happens and a definite payment of your dues in this birth. If you sow seeds of betrayal and hurt you reap unrest, dissatisfaction and grief at the very least. I also believe that divine retribution is in a speedy execution mode as far as I am concerned but also metes justice to those that hurt me.”

Strength: One of the biggest effects that such a loss had left Eva with was guilt – what if I had done this, maybe he would have stayed? If I had been more assertive maybe he would have learned to respect me? etc., etc. A thousand messages had gone home making it impossible for her to let go of trying to control the event. The strength sends us this message - Not only does this mean that you need to control your impulses, strength teaches a lesson of recognizing and accepting our own demons i.e.,, one of them being guilt. It is not something that she could have done but perhaps the type of person she had chosen or the reasons for making the choice that could need scrutiny. It is time to self audit and recognize the choices that led to such a circumstance (how many times did she compromise with an action that harmed her) and what then can be changed within to prevent such an occurrence.

Eva believes “I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason and you must learn your lessons from those visits. You better learn fast from the bad ones or else they will visit you again sometimes in other forms.”

The ten of swords and the empress: There can be no moving on without reawakening love for oneself. In losing the love of her spouse she has learned that she is unworthy of love. The biggest enemy at the time of grief is your own self – giving yourself messages like – this only happens to me? Now that this has happened I have been damaged for life? Quite to the contrary the 10 of swords and the empress teach us to regenerate and rejuvenate our selves. Then 10 of swords herald the end of a false way of seeing a circumstance. So much as you see a man struck down by the swords, the dawn breaks in the distance signaling a new beginning. The empress asks you to nurture yourself and claim the power you may have lost for yourself. The stronger and more nourished you are internally the weaker the enemy shall be.

Eva tells me “I believe that every break up does not necessarily lead to bitterness. It is all about how you feel about yourself at the end of it all. If you walk away with your head held high and yourself respect intact the memories are not necessarily painful. It is only when you realize the lesson that you have learnt from the experience and absorb the benefits thereof can you begin to forgive the persons who hurt you.”

The star: Eva cannot move on without hope. Even in the therapeutic relationships that heal trauma survivors – it is love that heals. Teaching a person to accept love is perhaps one of the hardest tasks possible for a therapist. The star card is your therapist for you - having lost all the star card points you towards hope and healing. Even if sudden magical transformation is not imminent – this card definitely points us towards believing in ourselves and in the healing power of love. It is only love that heals. A love for yourself first, and then for others! Eva heaves a sigh of relief, “I also believe that real love has a calming effect and allows you to blossom as a human being. All consuming passion does just that – consume you.”

The path of moving on is not complete without accepting your own weaknesses. Having assured herself that she will find love, Eva, needs to accept that she can only do so if she does not repeat the mistakes she made previously.

The devil and the magician: When you look to complete what you miss from others (devil) you will land in the hands of temptation and fall prey to the magical manipulations of the magician. Haven’t we found that we always find the same prototype attractive? What if that prototype has left us hurt and exposed. Isn’t it then necessary to question why do we need to get into relationships with people who evidently end up hurting us? Is there a piece of us that we miss? Perhaps, a fear of true intimacy which Eva has explained to herself in the STAR! When building strategies to fortify her weaknesses she needs to use the hope within herself as her source of strength.

She says to herself: “I also believe that I only seem to get a zing from emotionally charged situations. I am not sure IF I can ever find that ZING on a sustained basis with other people. What is beautiful is the fact that the minute I learn this lesson I also have an objective vision to the emotional traps that others can lay for me. I also learn to discern emotional manipulation disguised as deep sorrow. I learn to differentiate true mettle and strength of character from a cleverly concealed act. I come closer to the TRUTH I so believe in. The truth my world is so centered around…”

If we are vulnerable – it is our job to protect ourselves against hurt and abuse. A greater reason to be vigilant before we give all! It is perfectly all right to let the other person earn our love rather than hand it out easy. The stronger your belief in your TRUTH the greater the likelihood of finding a loving and nurturing relationship that offers you true intimacy.