do they see your love...

I have been toying with the idea of what to write about for the past few days. Love is always easy, for a person like me who has toyed with it, grappled with it and suffered as well with it, there is always, a load to say. But I am going to change course this time and write about a lecture I have been delivering for several years now at various schools in Delhi. Career choices – or the lack of choices thereof!

In between, working with others and setting up my own training firm, I worked with a dear friend, on a project very close to our hearts. Helping young people find out what they would like to do. We called it Playshops – it was aimed at helping young people discover aspects of their own talents they had as yet not experienced. We based it on the concept of Multiple Intelligences, a brain child of Dr. Howard Gardner, someone I have always been impressed with. Several such workshops and programs have sprung in this country since but what stays in my mind is the experience of the kids.

As adults, teachers and parents we are very well versed and acutely aware of our experiences & feelings about our children’s choices. The most relaxed and the unstressed parent/guardian has only one summative assessment of this discussion – uncertainty, helplessness and feeling out of control. In one simple word severe ANXIETY. Loud and clear, overwhelmingly so… It is this anxiety about our own helplessness that makes us react in various ways to our children’s choices.

Some of us try to talk and advice our children, some others enroll them in additional coaching, sports, music, dance, art, drama, etc. etc. the list in endless; while yet others try to control TV watching time, on the phone time, face book time, yahoo messenger time, study times, even sleeping times. Frankly whichever route you follow, however cool you think you are, it finally is all about coping with anxiety, and that too our own. This does not mean that we should stop doing what we do as parents, even if I were to suggest, so what? We would not be able to help ourselves. Our concern for our offspring is a nature’s way of telling us that we are parents and it is or job to ensure that the offspring flies away from the nest. So what then can be done to help us? Well, let’s take the first step.

For a brief moment let’s forget about ourselves and think this from the other protagonist’s point of view. Let’s hear our children speak. I am basing this on my work with several adolescents in the past years and of course my own teenage years. I am going to tell you the story of Firoza.

Firoza is a passionate young girl, who loves her dreams and fantasies. She loves her friends, her parents, her sibling and of course her school. She also loves to hang out with her friends, go for movies, and appear cool. It is very important to her that people should appreciate her for who she is but in the heart of hearts she does not really have a grip on who that Firoza really is. In fact she is looking for her. So if you can provide her with an experience that will bring her closer to that truth she will be attracted to you.

She believes that her parents are afraid that she will fail in a multitude of ways – not secure enough marks to get an admission into a great college, maybe not be offered the right choice of subjects in school, will fall in love with the wrong guy and fritter away precious years in frivolous pursuits. She is acutely aware that people watch her and she performs for their benefit. She mirrors what she sees in their eyes. If she sees derision she plays out her worst self, if there is anxiety she will play the devil’s advocate and if there is cynosure she will be defiant. But, the minute she see love and appreciation, she will dissolve into the beautiful little baby you first held in your arms and demand the same love and attention that you are so desperate to give.

The truth is she is extremely sensitive to your dialogues. Firoza came to me for a reading; I met her some years ago at a program and have always felt close to her since. She asked me to find out what her mother and father felt about her. A strange request–I asked her what do you think? – She replied – “of course they love me – but I want to know what they think about me?” The cards were spread – the empress and the 4 of cups followed by the high priestess and the hierophant.

The story was simple her mother loved her with the unconditional, nurturing love of the empress and was an important figure in her life but as yet she felt bored and unsettled (4 of cups). She had a lot going for her in her life symbolized by the 3 cups in front of her and more was being magically offered by the hand but inner discontent prevented her from being able to see it effectively. The high priestess stood for potential as yet undiscovered and a need to develop powers of intuition and natural insight. This clearly indicated the need for her mother to transit from being the nurturing provider alone, to being an “unobtrusive guide” who would help her on the journey of self discovery. This is much like the counselor who helps you hear your internal dialogue without allowing her own personality and reactions to come in the way. The hierophant’s role was that for her father to be a rather more obvious guide or a teacher who would help her make choices without attempting to control the outcome.

I remember this reading as I introspected – how in much in contrast this is to our own methods for controlling the environment for coping with our ANXIETY.

Coming back to Firoza, the cards asked her to address her anxiety through the 8 of swords. They advise that fear of unknown is worse that the fear of a real fear. So we embarked on this exercise – Let’s name it. She made a list of all her fears, here’s what she came up with:

Fear of:

1. Death,
2. Stomach upset,
3. Inability to stay popular,
4. Not being able to hold attention,
5. Not being liked,
6. Being misunderstood,
7. Love and being in love,
8. Loss and partings,
9. Rejection,
10. Being dismissed,
11. Losing people,
12. Being clingy,
13. Being angry,
14. Being hurt,
15. Being aggressive,
16. Trying too hard,
17. Talking too much,
18. Having to explain myself,
19. Having to fight, and
20. Losing when up against someone else.

Are you surprised, no shocked that such a little person can feel so many things? There’s more in store. The tarots went on to advice her to explore what she wanted from her parents specially her mother.

Here’s what Firoza said: “My parents are a part of my life in a million shreds. Their opinions and their voice are a part of my being. There are just those little bits of myself fused with each of these million shreds of my parent’s wishes that just hang together in suspension. These shreds function in a synchrony to make me who I am. If there is a disagreement or a conflict with my parent the synchrony gets disturbed. In fact it is they who have taught me the rhythm to this synchrony. Is it that impossible then to believe that the very thought of being in a disharmony with them can separate the shreds of my being?”

And here we are as parents doubting the impact of our words on our children. Firoza is clearly telling us that above all she likes harmony. In fact she needs to be in harmony. So whatever you may do – career choices, choice of subjects, moral dilemmas – help her keep her balance and be the high priestess to her confused mind. Let her find those little bits of herself in the suspension so that she can soon become a whole.

The tarots always end on two counts – a child is like the fool card. An adolescent is like the Greek God Dyonysus, the god of free spirit, an over-turner of bounds of tradition and restriction. He is like the child discovering life for the first time. He is trusting, innocent and ignorant of the travails that await him and as yet ready to take a leap of faith into the future. Walk with him and you will surprise yourself by what you learn as he travels the path of knowledge, development and self awareness.

As Firoza summed this up beautifully – “I know I want to be a Firoza who stands for the Tarot Cards the Sun, the Star, the Moon and the World! I want to be a person capable of unbridled love – Firoza is a beautiful color – my color that is feminine, happy, charming, ever hopeful and supremely confident. Though I don’t want to be Firoza the stone – because stones are opaque and unmoving and I am translucent and fluid with God alone knows what all that is inside me.”

is forgiveness a passive act…?

All religious scriptures instruct the sinner to beg for forgiveness and kneel at the feet of god in abject submission and all shall be forgiven. Your soul will be redeemed and you will be able to find a spot for yourself in heaven. One kind of forgiveness – I have done this, begged for deliverance from retribution time and again from the lord and been forgiven. I am sure all of us have found ourselves caught in whirlpool of emotions, when faced with our own wrong doings and battled with ourselves and god to accept our own failings. An inner turmoil most of us experience regularly… But today I want to speak about another kind of forgiveness - forgiving others. Do you think is hard to ask for forgiveness? - You don’t know the beginning of it my friend, it’s even harder to forgive someone who has willfully harmed you and shows no acknowledgment or repentance for the same. And is it necessary for you forgive them in the first place? A dilemma I have spent many years battling with.

The wrong doers can come in many forms; someone you love, a primary care giver, a spouse or a partner, a friend, a colleague; the list extends to encompass any every one of those relationships we negotiate with. The issue is not who the person is but how you are affected.

Let me begin with a story. Once upon a time there was a young girl who married a wonderful man to escape the tediousness and boredom of her other life. They lived in a nuclear family and hoped to make a wonderful haven for themselves. And they did… but for the fact that the young girl was troubled by demons within her. The slightest hint of insecurity would throw her into the throws of rage. She would be so consumed by it that it would take her days to come back to a state where she recognized herself again. Needless to say the wonderful man could not continue to be of support to her forever. He found the demons too hard to face. As hard as he tried, his own difficulties would not allow him to make sense of what was happening around them. He left – to save himself and his sanity… No one blamed him, after all the demons were too hard to bear. The young girl bore the brunt of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

Who would you ask her to forgive, the wonderful man, herself or the demons of her past? And would it be a passive act? The card that immediately comes to my head is Justice – the scales of justice are always balanced – you shall get what you deserve. A message given loud and clear by the departing of her husband! The avenging angel stands punished. But yet again a twist in the tale, who will wield the card of justice? Is society the wielder of the sword of justice or is there a higher sword than that? Is the justice meted out by our own inner conscience higher than that of the outer world? The tarots teach us just that.

The justice card is illustrated by a story, where there once was a competition between the goddess of intelligence Athene and the god of the oceans Posieden; both were asked to present a gift to mankind and the most useful gift of all would declare the winner. Posieden struck the ground and produced a horse, the first of its kind and everyone was sure that nothing better could be produced. Athene provided an olive tree – the oil of the fruit would provide mankind with nourishment and warmth, while the olive branch was a symbol of peace, when the steed was a symbol of war. Athene was declared the winner and Athens was named after her. A lesson mankind must never forget, learn to assess their own actions with rational judgments, for reason to override emotion to balance things in life.

The young woman’s fate is sealed. Her husband unwittingly has entered into a relationship fraught by troubles from the past – he does not deserve to deal with this and hence is correct in leaving her. However another look at this situation – his wife is suffering from problems from the past could be any trauma – a neglected childhood, emotionally unstable primary relationships, a betrayal by a loved one and maybe even abuse. She has obviously not learned to trust and hence the slightest of insecurities makes her fly into a self protective rage. Certainly not exemplary behavior but also not a deliberate one, is he now correct to leave? Are relationships only about a wonderful haven? And are wonderful havens never to be disturbed by tumultuous situations? If the society was to wield the sword of justice – they would end up doing a great wrong.

This is exactly what justice teaches the young girl – balance your life and assess what is wrong with you? Find out what alienates you from the current circumstances – what are those demons that control your being – spell them out and face them. Accept that your behavior is inappropriate but before you punish yourself for losing your husband also assess his failings. Has he been such a great spouse – is he completely in the right while you are in the wrong? Possibly not – there must be something about him that triggers insecurity – sit together and assess this for yourselves. Once the analysis is done and the cards are on the table wield the next card – justice tempered with mercy – the Temperance.

Temperance or forgiveness says – “first and foremost forgive your own self. Anger can never be dealt with by directing more anger at yourself, it can only be mitigated by compassion. So accept that just as you were not responsible for the actions of the demons in your past, you are not responsible for your husband’s action. As a child you could not have done anything to prevent what was happening to you and hence are not responsible for what happened. A fact – forgive yourself.” Only when the young girl stops taking responsibility will it be placed where it rightfully belongs.

The story further unfolds, she works hard at understanding why she reacts the way she does – replaces all the voices of alarm with self soothing and healing mechanisms, but alas the one thing that stays with her – her desire to seek revenge. Her life does not seem meaningful unless those that harmed her pay for what they did. She embarks on the journey to confront the perpetrators of harm and draw solace in the fact that they will be pained. What begins as a war of justice turns its tables on her. Each time she confronts the demons, they become more powerful. Why? By her acts of aggression she is playing out the drama of the past where the demons appear less demonic in comparison to the angry young girl. Also they become stronger in the knowledge that they can still affect her. So what then is the solution for the young girl to right the wrong within her…?

Even though she has found forgiveness and healing for herself, is it important to forgive the demons of her past? The temperance is a card of balance, balancing of the good with the bad. The young girl does not need to forgive them because she is on a spiritual journey to salvation but for a very tangible and necessary benefit. The cards say “As long as you carry anger for an event or a person with you – you continue to identify with that event and stay connected to it. Only when anger is diffused does the connection sever and you grow to be a bigger and better person. The first step to diffusing anger – develop your own self and hold your power within you – you will find the hold that the event had on you will fade. Also magically the perpetrators of abuse stay powerful as long as they know you are affected – the day they lose their power to impact your life they begin to appear in the correct perspective, as they really are, weak and corrupt.” Once she makes these realizations she will find it hard to allow them to stay powerful and even forgive them. She will have a whole life without.

As for the wonderful husband – well, he will have to work harder to be the wonderful support he promises to be whilst she works on calming the demons within her. They will both learn to forgive each other.

Does the act of forgiveness appear passive? Quite to the contrary – any process which requires such soul searching and active change of thought can never be a passive exercise. A lesson I have taught myself again and again. Life has taught me to see everything etched in sharp outlines and difficulty in seeing the grays. A long time ago I found it hard to accept a line of an evangelical poem – “lord give me the strength to accept the hardships so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and eternally happy in my life with you”. It seemed to negate my quest for revenge – for all the wrongs done unto me, only to learn that the path of forgiveness is a far more arduous and powerful one. It is actually in forgiveness that I have found peace because the demons no longer are powerful enough to control the way I live my life.

i have been betrayed...

I have been betrayed… how many of us have the courage to make such a statement about ourselves. Say it out loud… Not easy. But I find that in the event of a betrayal that is just the thing to do, so much so that unless you accept this undeniable event you cannot move beyond it or cope with it. My last two posts have been truly cathartic for me and this one is primarily reminiscent in nature. Rumination about my own and others experiences….

Most psychological experiences of betrayal follow a grief cycle (Kubler Ross) and acceptance only comes at the end of the series of reactions. Shock or immobilization followed by denial that this cannot happen to me, anger, bargaining, depression, testing & acceptance. As always I will attempt to explain this through an experience I am uploading a video of a giraffe stuck in quicksand to explain this - do see to understand.



Inquiring about a cheating spouse/partner or lover constitutes a large majority of the reasons for requesting a tarot reading – the simplest and the most obvious of all betrayals. I say simplest because the betrayal stares you in the face and is possible to fathom. The psychological reactions may be complex but betrayal has the same ramifications as coping with the finality of death, allowing you the right to grieve. This becomes harder if the relationship is clandestine and you have to put on a brave front to hide the true extent of misery.

Just as an illustration – a woman once told me that she had discovered some emails from her partner to another woman and was having a hard time believing that this was possible. So what’s so new about it? Frankly nothing except that as a tarot reader I have learnt to respect that each person’s reaction/experience of the same circumstance is unique and it is your responsibility to help them figure out what to do to help them move beyond this heart breaking event.

If we look at the grief cycle it clearly outlines 5-6 stages of experience. Shock & denial, anger, depression, bargaining & testing and finally acceptance, I have found that in all my readings with various persons, the tarots have their own combination's to indicate the stages that a person may be at:

Situation 1
As in my example the cards revealed the tower, the 7 of swords, and the devil. Definitely stage 1: shock & denial. The woman had just discovered that her partner was unfaithful and the tower represented the shock she had experienced when the carpet was pulled from under her feet. She had hitherto believed herself to be secure in her trust for her partner and now the scales of power were completely turned upside down with the act of betrayal (7 of swords – fleeing from a dishonorable act).

The devil shows the image of a man and a woman chained to the devil; in other words controlled by inhibitions, fears and phobias. It indicates that the woman is so completely controlled by her fear, that instead of looking her circumstance in the eye she would rather be controlled by the Jungian shadow, or at part to ourselves we would rather not face. However the devil also carries the message – ‘out of apparent evil, good shall come’ a message of hope that if fears are faced, the woman will be able to free herself from the fears and grow into a more complete human being.

Situation 2
My own experience with betrayal has always been a very short if not nonexistent stage of shock & denial, and an overly elongated period of anger, my most favorite emotion. Some years back I found that a childhood friend had completely betrayed my confidence and turned out to be someone my blinded eyes had not seen. Despite the number of years I had to question, the proof of betrayal stared me in the face so sharply that I could not entertain the luxury of being in denial. I transited into anger rather fast and found myself eating out of control as a form of self abuse. Severe anxiety which is the flip side of anger resulted in allergic conditions and asthma; I found hard to control.

The cards then advised me through the chariot, the card of victory over conflict and struggle. The card shows a charioteer trying to keep the black and the white sphinxes under control. A simple message – it is out of conflict that creative change occurs. If there is a conflict of interests and a struggle, victory is certainly possible but a fight for self assertion would be necessary. Clear advice – I needed to assert my right to be angry and not give in to the conflicting manipulations of the friend.

Situation 3
A woman once asked me to find out whether she should stay with her husband or not. The cards indicated that her spouse was really not interested in her. Even though she was very young, right from the beginning of their married life he had shown disinterest and disengagement. She had tried in vain for several years to make the relationship work but was unable to find any involvement from him. She said that she had accepted that he was perhaps forced into marrying her, but did not know which action to take… The cards were very clear – the 5 of cups and 3 of swords – abject grief. She needed to grieve over her loss. Just ignoring the fact that she was experiencing an extreme sense of loss was not going to help her move beyond it. She was unable to take the decision due to the fact that at some level she had not grieved for her loss enough to allow herself to move on.

The cards were followed by death indicative that change was imminent – she could not possibly hang on to an already moribund relationship in the hope of what was not. The faster she accepted this, the less the pain she would experience. In fact accepting grief and the resulting change is a corner stone to moving beyond a betraying circumstance. The depression stage of grief is absolutely necessary for you to allow yourself to experience death of the earlier way of being and to embrace a renewal.

Situation 4
Bargaining and testing: Haven’t you found yourself talking constantly about a betraying circumstance – going over and over it again and again, in the hope of making sense of what happened, how it happened and what you have to learn from it. This is your mind's way of making sense of your betrayal and trying to adjust the reality to explain itself. As a young person whenever a friend had broken up with a boyfriend, someone had snitched behind my back or someone was trying to manipulate me – I found us – a group of friends discussing the circumstance turning it upside down in an attempt to analyze it. Extremely important – it is just your mind’s way of reaching out to others to validate your experiences and to figure out an alternate reality.

The card that often appears for a person who is in this stage is the hanged man, telling the story of the Greek god Odin who hung himself upside down from Yggdrasil (ash) tree to rejuvenate himself. As he waited for people to bring him water and food to quench his hunger & thirst he noticed an alternate reality of the world. In these repeated discussions with the world post betrayal, the tarots say that “you have already lost what there is to lose now there is nothing worse that can happen, your soul is now free to look at the world from an alternate perspective and find a reality that was hitherto unseen”. As Jung says the conscious mind need to dies for the unconscious mind to provide alternate solutions.

Situation 5
It’s been a long journey, from the devil, the chariot, death and the hanged man – several daunting milestones have been passed. You are finally in the presence of a blessing. Acceptance – the way forward exemplified by judgment in the tarots – a complete renewal. The judgment card uses the Indian concept of Karma – a balancing of the accounts of life. In this arduous journey in handling betrayal, you discover parts to yourself that did not earlier exist. It is time for self appraisal for accepting oneself and the circumstance and the resolutions that have been found for inner conflict. It is also the time to appreciate one’s strength and realize that while we condemn those who puff themselves with their own praise – we also condemn those that sell themselves short. SO gather these parts to you and set a future plan for yourself – a resurrection for a new beginning. It is a time for rejoicing and renewal.

Beautifully summed up by the tarots, however one small hitch. We tend to get stuck at one stage or the other mostly denial or long drawn anger. If you find yourself in these situations remember – the lessons of the devil and the chariot – unchain yourself from your inhibitions and phobia and take action to self assert in the face of a conflict. (refer my posts on coping with anger) Another obstacle, we can cycle from bargaining back to anger and denial – this means that not enough time was spent in rooting yourself out of denial – maybe there are some devious fears left unturned – a time for self examination again.

The grief cycle is just so clear and self explanatory but it is not the obvious betrayal which we have a license to grieve over that’s hard – on the contrary it is the subtle betrayals of life that are the harder one’s to map. For example – after the first few years of your marriage you discover your spouse’s feet of clay and experience a betrayal of promises earlier delivered. Another example – when faced with a conflict in the family you married into and your spouse does not stand up for you and no one hears your voice. In your family of origin a sibling is favored over you and you find yourself at the receiving end of unfair dealings – far more insidious forms of betrayal that are just so hard to map on the Kubler Ross cycle. But only because you find it hard to classify these as betrayal. Remember for you to cope with it - you have to say it out loud - i have been betrayed.

The solution is simple stand by yourself – an unshakable belief in your own reality is the one and only way to withstand betrayal and make the journey of grief to towards a rejoicing and renewal.

power games - take 1

What if you are feeling targeted and the in the vortex of an onslaught from an extremely aggressive person? What if you have grown up to be a person who is dumbfounded in the face of this onslaught? What do you do at such times to wrest power back within your grip? Do the cards have anything to say about this?

Sure as always they give ready advice to you. Separate yourself from the person. In situations like these we tend to become one with the perpetrator, his words become reality, his judgments take on a dimension larger than your own meek voice and his opinions about you become much larger in proportion than the vision of your own self. Such is the power of onslaught. Draw inwards like the hermit – and think through who you are – are you a creative person, are you fair, sensitive, loving, intelligent and effervescent? How do you describe yourself? Does your own description match the messages that the perpetrator is giving you, or is it just the force of impact that drives you away from standing by yourself? Ask yourself these questions… In just the act of asking you will find that you are able to connect with who you are and distance the negative messages reaching out to you.

Next figure out - why are you being attacked? Is it something you did or is it the inner experience of the other person to an event that he could not resolve for himself? The answer lies in the five’s – the 5 of wands and the 5 of swords. Extreme jealousy & competition is prevalent in the environment making the perpetrator furiously angry with the circumstance. More than the anger being directed at you – it is his powerlessness that drives him to attack. Ha… a situation which had its beginning in making you powerless is actually insidiously about the attacker’s own helplessness and dis-empowerment.

The cards conclude their advice to you with the strength and death. Both cards teach forbearance – and patience. It is not the weak that walk the path of restraint and acceptance. This path less traveled is for the higher souls. Not a song sung in a eulogy for you, just because you were at the receiving end but the truth. It is easier to retaliate and get the better or worse of the other person. Worse still it is simpler to give in to the onslaught and abandon yourself completely. It is far harder to control your own demons and accept that this is a painful circumstance but one to be dealt with complete submission because the more you push against the factors that demand this change from you the more likely you are to be in pain. Silence is a powerful weapon it can fell a fierce adversary far better than words can. Accept it and bear it.

In such situations you will find that the perpetrator is backed by others whose insidious maneuvers are far more lethal than the ‘in your face’ ones. Same emotions (jealousy & conflict of the 5’s) can be portrayed by a quieter less aggressive person who can easily victimize you without appearing in the wrong. The fact – an aggressive person accepts responsibility for being the wrong doer the quiet manipulator doesn’t. SO the recipient of aggression in the second case walks away with an equal amount of damage as in the first case, without knowing what or who to blame. The blame will in most of these situation turn on your own self.

Cards yet again preach the same process as the first.

1. Separate yourself
2. Ask yourself why are you being attacked?
3. Forbearance & acceptance

With one minor difference… DO not stay silent because such a person needs to be told that you are on to them and you will not allow their machinations to get the better of you… Surely but quietly, using the strength card, let the Machiavellian manipulator know that you know what he is saying but do not agree with it. Do not be the fall guy for other people’s poor motivations.

The tarot teaches lessons which allow us to grow as people. This growth is ALWAYS about learning that the same weapon cannot work in all forms of combat – As the earthly emperor you have to learn that real power is about knowing who you are and standing firmly for yourself and those that you love. Power can never be taken away from you by the aggressive perpetrator or the manipulator if you can hear the voice of your soul.

All things in life come in a balance. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the loving & the hated so on and so forth. So do the powerful and the powerless – it’s all about seeing it the right way –If you are powerful within your own self no earthly maneuverings can wrest that from you. You will even have the affirmations that your wronged soul looks for once you have stopped craving for them.

I guess today I was at the receiving end, hence such insight into how it works… or is it just another way of unraveling an emotional knot for myself.

uncertainty does not rest easy...

I can write about love, separation, anger and cataclysm but writing about uncertainty is so elusive. Thoughts that form in my head and waft away before they crystallize! Is it that you lose touch with this feeling as you grow older or is it just something that I don’t want to unearth from the depths of my mind. Perhaps it was my life’s circumstances that prevented me from handling uncertainty well but the word itself threatens to disturb the tentative vestiges of peace within me.

Uncertainty presents itself in various circumstances in life. It begins with a first glimpse as an infant, when unsure of the next meal you cry, to the first crush, then waiting for innumerable successes & failures and finally uncertainty in shouldering the responsibility of one’s decisions. Each time we are faced with this emotion – we think “this is the worst it can get” but there are always surprises in store for us as we grow.

Out of all the various types of uncertainties of life finding a relationship stands out as the most significant of all. Many young persons have posed this question for me “am I going to meet someone this year?” The problem is there is no perfect answer. What if the tarots say yes? The next question will be – “will this person be ‘the one’?” If the tarots yet again answer yes, “will I marry him/her?” – Sure say the tarots – so then “will we be happy together?”... So on and so forth. Therefore even though we feel that we will be satisfied with the answer to whichever ‘will’ we are asking for, the truth is far from it. Knowing full well that we are in a vicious cycle, it still does not deter us from asking the question.

The tarots are there to help in coping with uncertainty, whenever it presents itself. A young person asked me, “Do you think there is anybody, who does not have someone for them?” The tarots don’t believe that some of us are born to be lonely. The cards are based on the karmic cycle of life from the Fool at birth to salvation with the World. The journey is incomplete without learning to negotiate relationships and find completeness within oneself, a lesson only learnt when you have loved and lost, only to love again. As a reader I have never met any person who does not have the hope for finding someone – perhaps only those who stop looking either because they tire of the search or they don’t need to anymore, choose not to be with someone. Then also it is a choice you make – therefore the anxiety about the uncertainty that I will not find someone suitable/compatible is baseless.

Let me illustrate this with several examples. Two men once came to me – they were friends and felt that a serious relationship was elusive and seemingly impossible for them. One of them was a very confident, handsome young man who was surprised that at age 34 he was still single. He told me that his friends accused him of being extremely snooty and vain about his dashing looks – “no one was good enough for him”. The cards surmised – the 6 of cups, the world, 5 of coins, the 4 of wands and the 9 of swords, followed by advice in the form of 2 of wands, the hierophant, strength, and temperance.

This is an aside, to my tarot reader friends. All cards should be read in a sequence and build a story related to the cards moving forward rather than looking backwards. Look for a holistic picture that a spread tells you rather than a piece-meal approach.

The story goes: he was far too stuck in the past and unable to embrace the future without letting go of conditioning from the past (6 of cups). The world signifies in this case a life overseas – which had resulted in him feeling uprooted and lost (5 of coins) and depressed (9 of swords) when he had shifted homes there (4 of wands). All in all, a rather traumatic shift to a foreign locale in the past! Further probing revealed that this in fact was true he had moved there when his parents separated and felt he had lost a part to himself then.

The advice was clear – the 2 of wands implying before you hurry into a pursuit wait – wait and look at what life is offering you, take stock of what you have and what you want, do not hurry into any action. The next card the hierophant teaches us a simple lesson – a need for finding missing parts to your own self. Once again all the cards are unanimous in their statement – you cannot have a meaningful relationship with anyone until you feel whole by your own self. This was followed by strength which simply put means control the demons of self loathing and excesses within you; give your self the quiet time to let the hierophant figure out who you are and what you want. The final card temperance says the same thing that healing would happen and options for relationships would reveal themselves to him.

The cards here teach us an important lesson, often what appear is not. A snobbish looking person maybe as troubled as a humble one and outward robustness often does not tell the inner tale a person experiences.

The second young man, a simple, suggestible and earnest looking soul had a different tale to tell. He had met many people and had a close relationship with a woman he really liked but was unable to commit to. Hence, he continued to look for love elsewhere. The cards reassured him in their own way. The first part told him that since he had already decided that he could not commit, he should treat it as a relationship concluded and stop distracting himself from moving on. The 5 of cups, the queen of swords, the ace of swords, 5 of wands and the 2 of cups; cards explained that the young man had experienced some grief (5 of cups) associated with the queen of swords, and he should slice this entanglement out of his life by the deciding ace of swords and hanging on to this relationship posed a distraction (5 of wands) which pulls him away from finding real intimacy elsewhere.

The cards next indicated that he would meet a queen of wands soon, someone he has known awhile (6 of cups) and that perhaps he will be able to form a relationship with a person who helps him feel secure (the temperance) and makes him feel stronger for himself (the emperor). That someone who will be the strength in his life, quite unlike the queen of swords with her slightly more fickle and self centered pursuits…

The cards helped both the persons cope with their uncertainty differently – in the first case, to understand that the feeling of uncertainty had become one with his self, due to earlier experiences while in the second case the uncertainty was induced by a relationship which had run its course but not as yet been expunged from life.

In most cases the cards indicate that uncertainty induces fear and hence the only way to cope with the fear is to name it, once you have identified the exact root cause of the fear, you will be able to find the necessary solutions and the fear of uncertainty will lose its hold on you.

It is so easy to dwell on the feeling when discussing others but yet my own inability to cope with panic every time I am faced with it is quite explicable. Through a gazillion experiences; waiting for a boyfriend to call, waiting to hear about an examination result, an unresolved fight with a spouse, an unexecuted decision, waiting to catch a flight… and many more, I have accepted that severe anxiety in coping with uncertainty is 2nd nature for a person like me. I don’t think that this is the time to analyze why I am that way or what has caused such a reaction, but to understand what the cards say to me. They have always told me to teach myself acceptance.

What if you are an anxiety prone individual who finds it harder than others to deal with uncertainty? Will beating yourself about it make it easier? Will it make the palpitations, the sweating and the purging lesser? Not at all! SO might as well accept that this is me, I really cannot punish myself for this, instead I will anticipate that I WILL have this reaction when faced with any uncertainty and hence will plan to deal with it.

For me, I have found my answer in a simple strategy – I work as hard as I can on anything that I am undertaking and then let it hang suspended in my brain for a while without punishing myself about anxiety that I experience too much. I know that after a period of rest my brain or the universe, whatever you wish to call it, will pop a solution that is the best for me and I will be able to make sense of the chaos. I am sure you have heard of it – it is called serendipity.

i am not impotent...

It is extremely important to me that I should not feel impotent at any stage in my life. It is not the question of physical impotence, but the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that engulfs us at various moments in our lives. I have grown up with this strong sense of justice instilled within me and out of all the teachings of the Mahatma, that I have dismissed one stays strongly etched in my psyche – “it is an equal sin to tolerate injustice as it is to commit injustice unto others”. In fact, I think I live life trying to balance the scales of justice, in all my interactions and in this I am my harshest critic.

Recently I was assailed by anxiety in the middle of the night… I was engulfed by a feeling of suffocation and frustration – insomnia claimed me for itself. The evening had been a terrible one and I had walked away from a family visit feeling attacked and targeted for no fault of mine. All of us have felt that often others have taken advantage of our silence, and our reluctance to openly conflict and refute an aggressive person, and continued their onslaught on our dignity. This can happen in many situations, in a family gathering where power is unbalanced, at an office meeting when one or the other colleague is unduly aggressive or even amongst peers and siblings when we find ourselves heckled by a particularly manipulative person who twists our words to ridicule us.

In all these situations, all that we walk away with is a feeling of being unheard, our sense of being wronged, unacknowledged and dismissed and to add insult to injury our own helplessness at not being able to stand up for oneself. Is it any surprise then that I could not sleep?

The beauty of such situations is summed up in two simple words “impotent anger”…

The cards are very eloquent about impotent anger. As always they dwell in the root cause of all phenomena. The cards tell their own story – a plethora of cards turn up in a beautiful sequence of events; the emperor, the 5 of cups, the ten of wands, the magician, the 3 of swords, 8 of cups, knight of pentacles, and the ten of swords. A daunting tale at best; in this case I will try to explain it from my own experience that evening.

The emperor tells us the that my need to feel important in the family turns to grief with the 5 of cups so much so that I can only focus on what is spilled, not on what remains. The spread goes on to indicate that I carry the burden of being manipulated. The ten of wands implicates a load that I carry within me – which I do not know how to unburden myself off and the magician in one of its meanings implying a self centered master manipulator, who is unscrupulous in servicing his needs for power and by his clever words can inflict injury. Naturally I walk away from the interaction feeling grief and betrayal (3 of swords) and the 8 of cups – leaving a situation I have invested emotionally in behind in disappointment and disillusionment. To compound insult to injury I am frustrated by my inaction (knight of pentacles) and the 10 of swords tell its own tale of the end of a false way of looking at a situation & a relationship and hence residual grief.

To cut a complicated story short – it is a family which I have invested in immensely and despite all my efforts there is a master manipulator amongst us who gets the better of me each time. The accompanying feelings of grief, betrayal & disappointment are no surprise. To compound this matter I carry within me an earlier conditioning that needs me to feel powerful in family situations and when I am unable to stand up for myself I feel frustrated and suffocated. I have been so blinded by my own need for power that I am unable to see the situation for what it really is.

The cards go on to advice me that this is an inheritance/ baggage of the past (6 of cups) and hence I am unable to move beyond my prior experiences. It also indicates that I have the Sun, which is success, fulfillment and child like joy in my relationship with my husband the King of cups and it is time for the need to revoke the empress within me – to quote my earlier writings on the empress “almost always signifies a need to nurture your own self (not others), to rejuvenate your spirits, tap into your creative side and extend love and understanding that you would as a mother to your anxious child to yourself”.

I think the message is pretty clear – whenever we have felt unheard follow the tarots in clear simple steps:

1. Do not punish yourself for feeling impotent – focus on validating your own anger – “I do have the right to be angry and I did not react in that situation because it would have been detrimental for my dignity, not because I am a loser and a weakling”. Also we forget that silence is the most powerful of all weapons. Often manipulation when faced with silence rather than retaliation can render itself impotent. So we may not have walked away from the situation as dis-empowered as we think.
2. Think of the positive relationships in that situation that have been nurturing for you and validate your anger with them. Share your feelings of distress with them and ask for another perspective.
3. Ask yourself a difficult situation – is all the impotence I feel only related to the current experience or do I carry some emotional baggage that makes me feel dis-empowered and helpless in such situations. Accept the emotional burden and lay it to rest separating it from the present.
4. Once you have gone through this process – you will be able to take the necessary action to feel the emperor within you – powerful in your negotiations for your won self. It does not matter that you were unable to retaliate just then as long as you are able to set the wrong right for yourself, its perfectly alright – even if it is only later.

The message is clear – “Nor shall derision prove powerful against those who listen to humanity or those who follow in the footsteps of divinity, for they shall live forever. Forever.” – Kahlil Gibran