the strong in the gentle...

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."-- Ralph Sockman.

Hercules the symbol of strength in Greek Mythology was worshiped as the God who freed the mortals from many a monster. He was born of the digression of the God Zeus with a mortal Alcmena. Zeus placed his son Hercules at the breast of his sleeping wife Goddess Hera making him partially mortal. But so strong was Hera’s hatred towards Hercules that she induced a hypnotic frenzy in Hercules making him kill all his offspring. To atone for his sins he visited the Oracle of Delphi who set him on the path of absolution through what became known as labors of Hercules, acts of heroism which freed the mortal world from many demonic pariahs.

The story of Hercules is not different from the tarots – the Fool is reminiscent of the birth and travails of Hercules. The fool also traverses the path of life learning lessons and atoning for his actions. He is also controlled by influences internal and those out of his control, that he has to wrestle to find internal balance. But that brings us back to the question what is real strength – is it unmatched physical prowess, or is the ability to control the people around you or yet again is it the fortitude with which you deal with the challenges life faces you? Is the purpose of the fool’s life to regain and reclaim his inner strength?

Life deals us many cards. We see glimpses of strength in many circumstances. When ceased by a vortex of cascading events that turn our life upside down and ceases all control from our hands, we are faced with choices. One path is always the easier one and the more beguiling, but the other seemingly less glamorous one requires true strength. Let me illustrate this to you with Rahul’s story.

Rahul graduated from one of the best schools in India with honors and landed himself a coveted admission into one of the top MBA schools of the country. The entire family rejoiced – he would be the first member of his family who would acquire a professional education and have a shot at rising up the proverbial corporate ladder. But as they say – life never stays the same. Destiny cut his flight to fame short. His father died leaving young siblings and a non working destitute mother. His uncles stepped forward to help him but his choices were cut short. With no money in the family without his father’s income the extended family pressed him to begin working. They were certain that if Kismet had it he would find his way to a professional education sooner than later.

Rahul decided to join the banking services and began training to become a probationary officer in the Indian banks. A far cry from his dream of corporate stardom! So has Rahul our Hercules in this story been defeated. So should he exhibit his strength by going into a frenzy, denouncing his uncles’ decision and hating his destitute family? Or yet again should he the newly appointed patriarch of his family become a tyrant and start displaying the megalomania that is so often seen in such protagonists? Would he then be deemed strong?

The tarots have their own speak in this situation. The Lover’s card talks about Hercules making choices sacred and profane and it is only the sacred choice that brings harmony to life in the long run. There has been many a Hercules like Rahul in real life – who have accepted their destiny and yet not given up the burning desire to be somebody in their own right. They may have had to give up their original choice of path to success but in the new chosen path they have gone on to excel and be deemed success stories.

What makes such Hercules different from the frenzied, controlling megalo maniac? The answer lies in the strength. The card strength depicts a struggle between a fierce lion and Hercules – a hand to hand mortal combat – in this struggle Hercules defeats the lion but wears the skin of the lion as a cloak that makes him invulnerable to external forces. A simple lesson – when faced with struggles in life – the highest battle is with forces within oneself, the strong forces of negative emotion like jealousy, anger, greed, frustration and the desire to assuage these through controlling others. Those that win this battle become the bearer of the lion’s skin and are protected from travails in the future. They learn to receive the hard messages of suffering and use them as guides to temper there own behavior with others.

Thus Hercules that wins is the Hercules that wins himself. He continues to hang on to his ambitions for excellence but gives up the attachment to only one chosen path to excellence. Thus Rahul will certainly have what he wants just perhaps not in the shape that he thinks he wants it.

This examination of strength with gentleness is dedicated to men, so let me pick up the story of another corporate being. Arun graduated from one of the leading MBA institutes in the country – had just the life that Rahul was so desperate to have. He joined an international consultancy and was soon in the inner circles of power in the firm. If corporate seniors were to be believed Arun will be the youngest partner in the whole of Asia Pacific. Certainly no mean feat, for someone from as humble a beginning as Arun.

As is always true – when you find appreciation and recognition – you begin to identify with that entity as your own. So also did Arun. The more his work was validated, the greater was the self fused with the organization. Along with the fusion came the corporate myth – a sense of power. He began to feel that as long as he was at work and in the environment he belonged in – he was powerful. He felt strong, and his life had a purpose. To negotiate difficult terms, balance complicated interpersonal relationships and influence the who’s who of the business world seemed to become the mantra of his life. Every time he was successful in achieving a business goal he felt a surge of strength as if life had infused him with a shot of adrenalin that would drive him to the next challenge with an even greater zest.

But the wheel of fortune continues to turn. What has been happening is up in the air at a moment and then plunges down to the bottom. The wheel of fortune teaches us that we are not completely in control. There is a destiny greater than us that will push us to make choices and land in situations we would not have imagined. Asked a spiritual guru the question – why? Can you explain the reason why my life is going that way? The answer will be clear – it’s your life throwing you an opportunity to learn, the lessons you need to learn to become a complete human being. So what then is this complete being and the annoying question that nags at the edge of my mind – why the hell do I have to be a complete being in the first place? Why do I have to learn these lessons – to achieve some esoteric, abstract and elusive goal like Nirvana or is there a direct take back for me before that? What if I choose not to be Buddha and want to continue my pursuits as the most average mortal, what then?

The tarots answer is very clear – before the goal of nirvana is an inherent goal in everything in life – balance. The heady flight to fame and success is more often than not accompanied by conflicts and intra organizational politics. Many a successful manager are cut short in their prime because the politics gets the better of them. I have been asked many time in my work with various corporate groups – so what then are you supposed to do? Dive into the organizational whirlpool and fight till the last breath gets knocked out of your sails or withdraw from the murky depths and live an isolated secluded life on your own island? Frankly there is no correct answer.

Several years ago I met an experienced HR professional, who related a very valuable tale to me. He said that a large part of senior management goes in Machiavellian manipulations like the magician who tries to outsmart one and all with his silver tongued magical maneuvers. There is a corporate myth that this swashbuckling, quicksilver character is the only corporate beast that survives organizations and makes it to the top – a direct contradiction of the strength in the gentle. He however believed that it is not the manipulations of the so called core management teams or “whatchamacallits” but the grapevine that the rest of the organization hears that makes or breaks a leader. It is the management stories and the professional reputation of the leader amongst the rest of the peoples that will decide whether he is a successful manager or not.

Therefore if Arun is to survive it is not just his immediate superiors and the inner sanctum sanctorum that must believe well of him but his subordinates and the younger people around him who must vouch for his sound decision making and honest ways. If his success is based on real mettle the grapevine will speak well of him and no matter what the conspiracy he will come out of it unscathed.

The tarots reflect this in their own way; the emperor and the hierophant are both partners in maintaining balance. While most of us are quick to embrace the emperor with his earthly power and control over the material world, as professionals we forget to balance this surge with the gentle self introspection of the hierophant. The tarots always advice that true power is one that knows its limits and does not rage over others in its attempts to conquer. On the contrary it includes the mildness of having understood who you are and in the act of accepting yourself extending the same love and compassion to others.

It is only through this balance will you be able to use the skills and abilities of others by accepting them as individuals in their own right. While we are quick to learn to be charismatic strong leaders we forget the basic management speak – “true leaders are those whose teams can survive and function as well without them”. We are so busy making ourselves indispensable that we forget that organizations grow through empowering others not hogging the power for yourself. It is a cycle, strong teams means positive and healthy grapevine and strong leaders. At the other end – a weak leader implies a weak team which will not weather the first onslaught.

It is now for Arun to introspect, before his dreams begin to sour – who he is. Is he going to chase strength alone or realize that true strength comes from being gentle and accepting of oneself and others, and that it takes courage to be that way?

The writing is on the wall – Arun is a person in his own right – his professional strengths will shape his destiny and he is bigger than any circumstance that faces him just as this is true for the other protagonist – Rahul.

Helplessness or a Choice...

Marriages are made in heaven and you can’t choose where you are born. Old adages which point us towards the helplessness of our fates, and unravel the control we may wish to have over our destiny. So the big question then is, are we that helpless or are these choices we make? If you care to read Brian Weiss’s ‘Many Lives and Many Masters’ – he claims that the soul in its afterlife chooses to be born into specific lifetimes to learn the lessons that it needs most, to move towards ultimate assimilation into the universe – nirvana or salvation as life describes.

The tarots are not silent on this either – the tarot card the World is nothing but a sorting of the chaos and conclusion of cycles of learning. It is a state where you stay suspended in the glory of peace and abundance and enjoy the fruits of having completed a long arduous journey. The fool in its search for this ultimate merging with the universe has lost much and gained wisdom through that loss, he has learnt to use that wisdom to temper his choices and actions, he has died and reinvented himself into a new being and finally arrived at this destination. It is now his time to rest and enjoy the fruits of his labor and bask in the wondrous world of wishes fulfilled. Isn’t that the ultimate goal for all of us in all pursuits in our life?

So how then do we explain our failures to ourselves? The challenge lies in what we describe as a failure… For Rayisa, her failure lies in the grief she carries within herself. An inexplicable heart wrenching, ear splitting screaming grief that wells up most suddenly and unexpectedly. In a perfectly happy moment when she is surrounded by the warmth of love and belongingness, the grief storms into her heart and she begins to feel as if a giant mill stone is pressing down on her chest threatening to push the last breath out of her lungs. She begins to believe that she is all alone and ill fated and even her happiest moments are tainted by the all engulfing pain she has carried within her self.

Rayisa is not alone in this feeling. Many of us share this aloneness we carry within us, which differentiates us from the rest of the seemingly “happy” world. The reasons for this grief can be several; once again a loss of someone you dearly loved, the pain of separation/betrayal by a loved one, just coping with the tattered remnants of a failed relationship or the sheer grief of a robbed childhood, but the grip this shattering emotion has on us is pretty much the same for all the situations described above. The grip is so strong and so enticing that it colors how we perceive the world.

Such is the dilemma that faces Rayisa. In the last decade or so she has visited many a healer, pranic and otherwise, consumed kilos of sugar, tried binging and then alternately starving, crying copiously and then chasing a high life in the hope of numbing the grief she carries within herself. Needless to say she has succeeded – she is anesthetized, she enjoys life to the full, keeps herself busy and is very happy with whom she has turned out to be. But the grief within her has a few tricks up its; every time she is happy she feels something is missing from her life – as if she misses a certain part to herself. She begins to feel dull and just a little less alive. Then comes a cataclysmic event – something that upsets her life and creates upheavals in her otherwise peaceful existence – she is overwhelmed by the circumstances and overcome with distress, natural and otherwise. But to her surprise she feels whole again, she is alive and in a strange way at home. This is familiar ground for Rayisa – an emergency situation she has been trained to cope with… her senses are sharp and adrenalin is pumping. She is ready to cope with what life has to dole out to her even if it is harsh. Such are the games that our emotions can play with us.

Would it be fair of Rayisa to call her life a failure just because she carries grief within her heart? Does it mean that Rayisa will only be whole when miserable? And does it finally imply that she should hate herself for feeling the way she does?

Let’s see what the tarots have to say for her. They say simply, be like the fool – allow yourself the chance to make a fresh new beginning yet again, again and again, no matter how many chances it takes without judging yourself as a failure. No one has been able to make themselves feel better by deriding themselves – the only way is to engage in those things that make you approve of your own self for now – those simple things like reading a book, a drink with friends, or just a warm bath, that give you joy. Remind yourself that this devilish grief belongs to a cataclysmic event in your life – whatever that may be – and is a revisit to the past.

Does that mean that there is no problem to deal with currently? Of course there is – the death card points her to a challenge she needs to face and accept in her present life. She is terribly angry with her husband for not being able to stand up for her time and again in offending situations. She knows he has difficult issues to deal with – but does that mean she is not allowed to be angry? But the cards tell her not to worry – the world has appeared followed by the ace of coins. The world that signifies the settling of all chaos and the ace of coins pointing to a fresh new beginning! The cards are telling her – differentiate between anger with your current circumstances and the grief you can feel in your heart. The intensity of pain you can feel when faced with an upheaval is not commensurate with the reality of the circumstance. Such is the cross people like Rayisa have to bear.

Can Rayisa hate herself for this seeming failure? She has a choice – she can choose to be helpless when faced with this circumstance and hate herself even more, or she can actually just accept herself for who she is. The question Rayisa has to ask herself – who is actually judging her for being who she is? The answer will provide a clue to how she will resolve this. Some people around her perhaps, or maybe the amorphous society at large? Some of these are people who don’t really matter and whose opinion bears no value in her life, yet there may be some who influence her life.

The truth lies in the fact that many such people carry the burden of grief themselves, scratch the surface and there will be an outpouring of lava, and because they are judging themselves harshly for carrying the lava within they will judge Rayisa similarly. Yet others who may seem perfectly at peace are just numb to their own condition, and Rayisa’s forthright acceptance of her own grief threatens to disturb their carefully balanced and fiercely guarded anesthetized state. Naturally she is to be judged and derided.

I think what the tarots point us towards is real mental health and true healing provided by the temperance card. The healing which accepts you for who you are, the strong with the weak, and allows you to be at peace with oneself, not the precarious balance of the two of swords which can be unbalanced by the mere hint/glimpse of reality. Those who are happy within never feel the need to judge others for their crosses and extend the same kindness to others that they do to themselves.


So, she knows that she does carry the burden of grief – but the world indicates that it will pass – there will be a resolution – but in the meantime she needs to be kind to herself. She has to learn to approve of the helpless, fragile and sensitive Rayisa as much as she does the Rayisa who loves to live life to its full. Only then will Rayisa have come a full circle and completed her journey from the fool to the world.

joi de vivre

The tarots version of true joi de vivre is the Fool Card, or the jester who begins his life with the freshness and joy of youth. It is the only card which unencumbered by contrary experiences and realizations takes a leap of faith into the future driven by the joy of just being. Isn’t that the joy that is so precious to us that we chase it in anti ageing pots and creams, spas and rejuvenation therapies, cleansing mentally and soul-ly; all in the attempt to hang on to that freshness of youth. Simply described the ability to enjoy life to its fullest and with the gusto of youth!

“Sound of vernal showers
On the twinkling grass,
Rain-awakened flowers -
All that ever was
Joyous and clear and fresh – Thy music doth surpass.”


What is it about the Fool that we are unable to let go? And is it necessary for us to let it go?

Recently I met with some old friends at a getaway and it seemed that all of us walked away charged with the desire to meet again and bask in the carefree bonds again. I asked my self what did this event do for us. After much contemplation the answer became clear – it made us feel good about who we are, not just a throwback memory of the past but a real boost to self esteem as who we have turned out to be. We walked away reaffirming the choices we have made for ourselves and more than the affirmations and appreciation we may have received from others we allowed ourselves to be the recipient of approval from our own selves. The non judgmental quality of the fool – unencumbered by negativity and critical comment the fool is able to trust that life will turn out well for him even if he does not know what life holds for him. He is able to do this because he has not received dents to his self esteem which have the power to turn us into our own worst critics.

I have experienced the same joi the vivre in another memorable situation. Some years ago I worked in a small consultancy with an intimate little team of young people who worked tough long hours together. I was their supervisor and loved every moment of coaching and teaching them. Though my job was to teach them how to create content I ended up being a counselor, friend, mentor and an equal participant in the travails of their life. This bright bunch of young people taught me an important lesson about myself. While I have always been known to be an outspoken and confident person, but this was only skin deep. My inner voice was that of a square, logical and sensible woman who could not accept the gentler side to herself. They taught me that while I may cherish the outspoken self it was in fact harder for a person like me to allow a certain mildness and vagueness to creep into my interactions. This self same crazed chase for sharply defined experiences prevented me from truly letting myself go and accepting the softer person within me.

A lesson so simply taught by youth, who themselves were impatient to acquire the layers of experience so that it would shroud them with a certain gravitas, that would make it easier to influence others. Such is the paradox of life – you only look back at an experience and realize that you missed that moment for what it offered.

“We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

Yet, if we could scorn
Hate and pride and fear,
If we were things born
Not to shed a tear,
I know not how thy joy we ever should come near.”

To my mind people come to get tarot readings to revive their hope for a better clime, not to visit the prophet of doom. The karmic cycle also points to rebuilding and rebirthing your own self until you achieve oneness with the universe. A rather esoteric & fluffy concept but in real terms quite simple! A friend going through a hard time once said – “ I think I am ill fated – these things always happen to me” Yet another said “Why is it that my relationships always fail and I end up feeling betrayed”. A small sample of the numerous ugly messages we send ourselves in post mortem. Our opinion of ourselves changes. We accumulate layers of critical judgmental thoughts around ourselves. SO is there any reprieve?

Sure, there always is. We carry within ourselves an inner child that helps us experience excitement and joy to its fullest. The inner child is an all knowledgeable, wise little creature who despite having learnt difficult lessons in life retains the ability to revive hope, hence he is our biggest resource in coping with tough times.

This is beautifully depicted in the tarots, by the card Sun. The weather beaten, broken fool through its journey of life arrives at a juncture where he walks the last milestone with a golden happy child. Through him he learns to experience the simple joys of playing in the sun and soaking up the warmth of the surroundings. Through the song and dance he learns to look at himself anew and appreciate himself for who he has become; finally he asks the child – “Who are you?” The child shines brighter and answers, “The new YOU.” Tough times reshape our perspectives and hence reactions to things, the SUN sends us a message – of course expect to be changed but also learn to love it. Only when we love the new us will the inner child be happy and allow us to regain the joi de vivre which may have otherwise dimmed.

So the Sun says to my friend – No you are not ill fated – you haven’t learnt to appreciate the strength within you and nor are you a failure in relationships. Another perspective – you know how to extricate yourself from a bad situation – your sense of self preservation prevents you from continuing in terrible self abusive interactions. An infinitely more loving way to adjudge yourself.

"With thy clear keen joyance
Languor cannot be:
Shadow of annoyance
Never came near thee:
Thou lovest, but ne'er knew love's sad satiety."

Magus the magician has always appeared in my readings for people as a warning. A master manipulator is what I love to call him. He is a charismatic personality with a gift of the gab and the ability to spin yarns around you. So charming are the fantasies that despite yourself you are ensnared for posterity, and enslaved to a person whose motives are more often than not self serving. But is that the only side to the Magus?

Merlin the Magician, born of a human woman and a wellspring called Incubus, possessed supernatural powers. While he was responsible for sorcery he also engineered the birth of King Arthur through magic & intrigue. He became a trusted friend and advisor to King Arthur until possessed by the Lady of the Lake. His story tells us to believe in magic and miracles. Also to believe that there are vast wells of unexplored potential within us we aren’t aware of. Therefore the power to achieve whatever your heart desires also lies within us. This theory has been popularized by many books like The Secret and Creative Visualization but it is the ability to dream that allows us the opportunity to achieve. An important truth told by the Magician.

I have met the Magus and those posing as the Magus. Remember a true Magician does not lie and conceal himself behind deceit – he has the courage to follow his fantasies without extending promises he cannot deliver. Contrary to our pre-conceptions a real Magician is not necessarily the fiery warrior charging on a steed; no he leaves that for the Knights and himself is stoic, and calm and tranquil like the wise man in the moon. Within his sobriety he holds the magic that created the world and the Universe is his to ask from.

True joi de vivre comes from letting go, allowing yourself to dream, fantastic dreams and believing that the ability to achieve them lies within you.

“Teach me half the gladness
That thy brain must know;
Such harmonious madness
From my lips would flow,
The world should listen then, as I am listening now.”

The verses are from the poem – Ode to a Skylark – Percy B. Shelley

lost souls...

At one time I believed that all the lost souls were drawn to me like a moth to a flame. I could walk into a gathering and many a pair of searching eyes would zone in on me and there I would be engaged in a disarming conversation with some of them. I thought it was a special talent. It was the ability to provide unconditional acceptance and support that made me who I am. The lost souls would find a sanctuary like no other and never before, and draw from my strength to become bigger and better. Little did I know that rather than a talent it was a quality that was seriously detrimental to my well being? This very talent I needed to recover from to make me stronger within my own self. Yet again it was the age-old suspension of my being clamoring to be a whole. The lost souls resonated with that suspension and were enveloped in its chaos. This synchrony instead of making me feel stronger only served the purpose of splitting me further apart.

Let me introduce you to some such souls. The magician; I met the magician when I was 15. With his silver tongued demeanor he painted the vision of the upright solid gent who forced all others into a faded comparison. Just his strong shining presence paled the rest of the world into a faded yellow. With my very own chaotic suspension, his apparent solidity helped me imagine that I depended on him for support. But true to himself, there he was, the master manipulator – who specialized in helping you believe things that others saw as apparent lies. So strong was the presence that I spun a world of fantasy around myself and him – a fantastic, him-centric world that did not really exist but was designed to make him feel stronger than ever. He drew from my imagined and real world its life blood and slowly and steadily helped erase the boundaries of my security. Frankly I only had myself to blame for the miseries I brought upon myself.

She sought me in a group of the le miserables. She the eternal clinging twine completely absorbed the essence of my need. We were two kindred souls intertwined by our blues. Needless to say we were inseparable. Our inner selves, our experiences in childhood, our emotional chaos all congealed into one large gelatinous mass that threatened choke all the reality of our lives. So strong was the bond that even our miseries became one. I regretted my better circumstance and tried my utmost best to provide what I could to make up for what fortune had favored me with. But it needed to be a timed relationship because reality cannot survive this fusion. Even if one is conjoined, individuality and its demands exert there pressure on the relationship. Both wish to negotiate their own perspective and the lines of “either my way or the high way” are drawn.

He was the spoilt, golden prince and he loved to be loved. And so I like many others did just that… adored him; I loved him till my heart broke into two. I loved him so strongly that I couldn’t separate myself from his wishes. And then we became adults. The golden prince could not find the missing pieces to himself. He had many encounters with the Hierophant and its guidance/assistance to access the various parts to himself, but he was too afraid to look into the compartments within his soul lest one of them turn into the proverbial Pandora’s box. As for me – I could love him no more. My grown self could not help but realize that there was no chance of completion from a source which was so fragmented by itself. The Hierophant could not be the strong man or the emperor of my life. I had no option but to nurse my disappointments and make a curtain call.

The list of lost souls I have been fused with is endless but here is one more that deserves a special mention. She is the Queen of the Universe or so we all believe. Her regal ways and commanding airs have a clear impact on all of us. We all dance to the tune she plays. We dance and we dance till the soles of our feet bleed and the sweat pours of our backs. We bend over backwards, we bend over front forward, we laugh and we joke, we cry and we cajole, we hurt and we forgive, we beg and we plead and it goes on and on like the whirling windmill buffeted by the strong winds of her command. And we never tire. Till the Strong edifice, the Queen is strong no more. Our hearts break to see the object of our slavish reverence so crestfallen only to realize that we have still to continue the never ending dance of subservience.

Do we grudge her this in her hour of need? Frankly No. At least I don’t – My heart breaks every time I see the Tower fallen and the power wrested from the Queen and I wish that she would be the Queen of yore again. But what of the ministers that surround her. They in their otherwise impoverished state maybe ineffective but today have reared their ugly heads for who they are. They have surrounded us with negativity of manipulation, deceit and surreptitiousness. The otherwise subservient minions have today changed the culture of the kingdom to that of insidious means. I am naturally forced to think – which one did I prefer the absolute dance of slavery or this manipulative murky mulch that seems to engulf all in darkness. Frankly I do not have a clear preference.

On our journey through life we meet all kinds of people – some whole and some lost. But it is the LOST souls that leave an imprint in our memories. Ever wondered why? I have come to the conclusion because their apparent weakness resonates with something within us. We are drawn to engage with such people because we find the same lost vestiges within us. The tarots have always prescribed that the path to salvation is to embrace the strength with your failings. No one can hope to move on in life without confronting and accepting those demons.

So I have a choice here – I can choose to talk about them with hatred and hurt that they have caused me with their actions or embrace them as a part of my life that taught me lessons about myself. Of course, embracing does not mean exposing yourself to the same pattern of hurt again and again, rather learning not to repeat the same mistake and protecting your self from self inflicted flagellation and pain. My uncle recently told me – life is governed by a 90-10 rule. We have as little as 10% control over the things that happen to us but have 90% control over how we react to those circumstances. By managing our reaction we can therefore hold our fate in the palms of our hands.

So my inner dialogue can be – “No matter what circumstances are currently impacting my life, they are less important than how I react to them. Accordingly, I have a lot more control over what happens next than you realize. Instead of trying to demonstrate my survival skills or self-sufficiency to anyone else, I need to focus on strengthening my own foundations. It's not about what others think; it's about my integrity.”

I began writing this with a song that exemplifies LOST SOULS for me and so I end with it.

“How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.”
Roger Waters - Pink Floyd

when deafness surrounds you...

Our entire generation goes misty eyed about the song “The Sounds of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, which talks about human dependence on technology robbing real communication between people. So true, but something I am also supporting through this blog. But today I am thinking about a slightly more perturbing predicament – imagine a surreal situation where you are screaming in a room full of people surrounded by voices, chatter and the clinging and clanging of real life, but no-one can hear. You scream and you scream, your face turns purple, your breath runs out and the shrillness of your own screeches in your ears makes you fear the cacophony you must be creating, but all those around you continue about their chores as if you and your sounds do no exist. In short, you are surrounded by deafness. Doesn’t it sound like the scary reproduction of B grade horror film – I am afraid I will have to disappoint you, this is real.

Meet Rani, she will tell you about herself. She is a 15 year old very fierce young girl, very smart and way ahead of other students in her grade. She has an idyllic home, loving parents, a sister and doting grandparents. All outsiders who look at her talk about, how she has all that she possibly could want! And she does… Scratch the surface and you will find pain in the young girl’s eyes, why? Rani’s parents encourage their children to talk to them, and so Rani shares the adolescent realities of her world with them.

She tries to talk about the pressures she faces in life, the terrible struggle to stay popular in her school, the social pressures of conforming to the traditions of her family, the do’s and don’ts of good behavior, keeping up the style quotient, her troubles with boys, her emotional upheavals – you name it and she has tried. Each time she opens a little core of her being she finds herself facing judgments and analysis that does not make sense to her. Keeping up with the Joneses is so important in her family that they forget to accommodate for the blossoming eccentricities of their daughter. So much so, that only those opinions and sharing are validated that fit in with their world view, anything slightly different is dismissed as irrelevant crazy ravings of adolescent hormones. Despite having everything she could possibly desire, Rani finds herself getting alienated from her idyllic home.

She soon finds herself feeling run down, ill and racked with weird anxieties and phobias. Her parents are naturally concerned, but after the doctor assures them that Rani is physically fit, they dismiss her illnesses as psychosomatic symptoms of adolescence. For a family that believes in love and support, they can only extend their deafness to their special child.

Rani grows into a strong young woman who has internalized the deafness that surrounds her by being an aggressive person with a distinct difficulty in listening to others herself. She carries that anger within her and extends it to others through rejecting their pleas for a real connection. She works as a really successful career woman in a bank, but is not known for her compassion.

Rani meets Saroj at a club. Saroj is a typical suburban mom. Busy with parenting her little son, they meet at the swimming pool on a weekend and become great friends. They soon discover that Saroj is Rani’s colleague’s (at the bank) wife. Saroj looks forward to coffee weekends with Rani, she feels that Rani’s intensity compliments her milder view of the world. Soon they are really close friends and share confidences with each other.

Saroj’s soothing manner calms Rani and allows her an opportunity to listen to someone else for a change. She sees her friend’s wonderful happy little home and is a little wistful that she has never attempted such a life for herself. They both often laugh that for two people from worlds so far away from each other, they seem to get along so famously.

One day Saroj tells her that her beautiful family is not so wonderful after all. Her accomplished husband and she have experienced great difficulty forming a bond. An overly interfering mother-in-law has prevented the young couple from having a moment of peace. There marital life has been so strife torn that they have not been able to forge that trust that spouses should share before they have their offspring. Saroj’s mildness of manner and conventional upbringing stops her from leaving her home and child. She attempts to explain time and again to her husband, that they should distance themselves just a little from his family of origin and find space for their marital life. But his overwhelming filial love prevents him from seeing sense. Saroj is afraid that this will adversely affect her son and his psyche.

She has tried to communicate this difficulty to her mother in law and their family, but ends up getting adjudged as just “different’ and ‘troubled’. Instead of helping the young wife they end up encouraging their son’s behavior as normal and Saroj’s behavior as ranting of a mad woman. As long as Saroj, tows the line and never every questions the rationale of the family she shall be a good human being else, she is a sinner and a person to be shunned. Support be damned to hell, she ends up being the odd freak to mistrusted and doubted at all times. Despite being in a family she ends up being alone.

Rani hears Saroj’s story and realizes – what they have in common? What is that bond that draws them close? Why despite all the freakish differences they end up finding solace in each other’s company – they share the same distress – the distress of having been surrounded by deafness. Screaming and screaming yourself hollow, to have someone hear but no one does. Why – because people around them do not wish to hear anything that disturbs their own construct of reality, any stimuli which will make them question the logic of their actions threatens to disturb the carefully balanced house of cards they have created for themselves. They have sold their soul to their own ideas and can only hear sounds of silence.

“And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence”

Rani listens in wonder that despite being a sufferer of similar circumstance both their reactions to life have been so definitively different. She shares her story with Saroj – this is perhaps the first time she is telling someone. Saroj hears her and is shaken that her friend with a predilection for strong words and strong statements could be actually hiding a vulnerable child underneath. She convinces Rani – that they should pay a visit to a Tarot healer she has heard of for guidance. Rani who is pretty dismissive of such an idea initially, gives in to her friends wish and decides to accompany her albeit with severe doubt about the worth of such an endeavor. Here’s the guidance that they both receive from the tarots.

Saroj’s Reading

The first layer of her reading says simply – Saroj is coping with severe disappointment at the hands of her family, though a path will soon appear to help her forsake her disappointments and move away from unrest. The cards advice her, to be strong and adamant in the face of adversity and to stand steadfastly besides herself. Any hurried flurry of action can result in the misbalance of the carefully balanced swords. She is living holding her emotions tightly in control and any desperate and impulsive act will only succeed in disturbing her sense of balance.

The second layer focuses Saroj on a simple fact – judgment day is near. “The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that this is a final decision. Either to go forward, or stay where he is. He blows, and the trumpet's song echoes across the sky, its vibrations seeming to crack open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, memories rise. Images of his innocent youth, challenges, loves, failures, losses, success, disillusionment and wisdom. For the first time, he does not try to leave them, ignore or forget them, but accepts them”. Judgment tells her that a moving will only happen if she lets go of the hurts – destiny will deal with those that have harmed – and to feel mercy for herself and others (temperance).

She can find solace and wellness in her strengths – the conversations she has with her friends (page of wands), the appreciation she receives within her group of friends and in society (the 3 of cups), the hard work she is capable of – maybe even try a new opportunity for work and the creativity she has within herself (ace of wands). Embracing these strengths she will regenerate and renew herself. She will provide self nourishment to herself (the empress).

Once she does that justice shall have its day – those that have harmed shall pay dearly for the harm done unto her and her relationship with her husband shall be restored to what it should have been – she will find complete love (2 of cups).

Rani heard and it thought to herself – something any psychologist could have told her. And then it was her turn. She wanted to test the tarots – without telling the reader about herself – get a reading which would help her.

Rani’s reading
The reading begins with the advice – “take hurried action – do not deliberate too much act on an impulse and find a counselor/therapist or a healer to consult with. This is a journey you cannot make alone.” The cards advice Rani to find help through a trained professional who will help her move towards finding love – to find the blessing that we may allow love to flow into our lives. Above all Rani needs to learn to allow herself to be loved – her logical/rational mind overrides her vulnerability – she will definitely need to help to accept that about herself and then feel safe to let others see it.

The second step tells her to show mercy (temperance) to herself and others – to be less harsh in her judgments of other people and reality – to move beyond the betrayal (7 of cups) that her family’s deafness has meted out to her. Once she does that the star will restore her hope for love (refer my earlier post on betrayal for the complete meaning of the star). She has already lost her childhood – she now needs to change the inherited spectacles she uses to look at life and develop a new perspective that comes from wisdom and having survived trying circumstances (hanged man). Only when she gives up her attachment to the earlier way of judging others will she find peace. When faced with adversity in childhood we tend to absorb it as a part of our identity; which them becomes a construct to be questioned.

The last part of the cards deliver a more trying message for Rani – she needs to work hard at managing both her confident and the dark side to herself (chariot). It is a struggle that will not come easy. She will only be able to win the battle through determined effort and realization that it is in times of uncertainty (the moon) that her instincts kick in. She needs to watch herself in insecure situations and learn to accept that she may be vulnerable and that being deaf and aggressive to others view is only one way to dealing with it. The message of love she has learnt from the ace of cups and temperance, in the first part is another manner of dealing with uncertain times.

Given all that she has the full potential of developing into the independent, successful and peaceful individual like the queen of pentacles.

The drive back home...
Rani and Saroj are amazed – they have a lot to think about. The tarot readings have provided the guidance they needed. They ride home in silence. It is needless to say that they will certainly think about this at every alone moment they find.

They have both tried to tell others what they really wanted – a hearing – in more ways than one – but the one thing they forgot to provide – extend that hearing to their own selves.

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
" But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence…

how do I move on...

The grief cycle is just so simplistic, once the giraffe’s foot hits the bottom of the quicksand pit, he becomes aware that an alternate view of the world is visible and new solutions to life become apparent. Unfortunately it’s not so simple. Every time grief turns up on our doorstep we say to ourselves, “if I can get over this, I can survive just about anything in life.” But moving on is complex and as soul searching as the process of accepting grief.

Let’s explore this a little more. Eva asked me – “Help me find pieces of myself. I have coped with my loss (her spouse of 15 years had walked out on her) and everyone around me feels – I am whole despite it. I wish I could say the same for myself. Help me discover what I believe – For a person as compulsively articulate as me, speaking out is not hard – what is harder is to stick with an opinion I had. My experiences have made me change what I believed in, question the basis of data processing in my brain and definitely eat my own words so many times that I have a great amount of difficulty, if not fear in making statements about what I shall or shall never do. I have learnt that there are no givens and nothing is cast in stone hence I often find myself questioning an opinion I may form in my head even before my lips have opened to emit the first opining sounds.”

What Eva was trying to tell us that, when we love and trust someone for a long period of time, they become a part of who we are? We begin to see ourselves as reflected by them; their reactions to us insidiously creep into our beliefs and identity. “I sought to alter the person I love, but ended up altering myself.” It was no surprise that the loss of such a relationship would make her question what she believed in. She needed to re-gather the fractured fragments of her mind and reiterate her thoughts for her own self in order to move on.

We embarked on the journey of the search for Eva and explored several aspects to her life- we looked at things she wanted and the demons she wanted to defeat - here’s what turned up:

4 of cups & 8 of swords: Eva had learned to cope with her loss by drawing into a numb state and blocking out real fears and feelings for the circumstance. What had begun as a process of self protection was now outdated. Just accepting her grief had not helped her forge a vital connection with life as yet. A shroud of faded numbness still clouded the sharp images of relationships and interactions.

Disengagement and an uninvolved manner of existence prevented her from accepting things about herself and others. Her fears (8 of swords) held her captive and prevented her from bringing about change in her life - we asked her to formulate an affirmation – “I believe that people can be changed – they just need a catalyst that begins that process of change. Sometimes the catalyst is themselves, a catastrophic event, a powerful influence, a personal emergency or even necessity. I also believe that in some way I change everyone I come in contact with – that is perhaps a talent I have.”

The justice: Acceptance yields into eventual forgiveness. But the feelings of revenge take a long time to go. Though she had accepted hurt a lingering sense of revenge stayed – the justice card showed up telling her that life has its own way of delivering its retribution. Her statement will reveal a need for acceptance that those that hurt shall pay – but may not be at your hands or in the manner in which you want them to pay, but pay they shall. She said “I believe in divine retribution – I believe there IS a reason why something happens and a definite payment of your dues in this birth. If you sow seeds of betrayal and hurt you reap unrest, dissatisfaction and grief at the very least. I also believe that divine retribution is in a speedy execution mode as far as I am concerned but also metes justice to those that hurt me.”

Strength: One of the biggest effects that such a loss had left Eva with was guilt – what if I had done this, maybe he would have stayed? If I had been more assertive maybe he would have learned to respect me? etc., etc. A thousand messages had gone home making it impossible for her to let go of trying to control the event. The strength sends us this message - Not only does this mean that you need to control your impulses, strength teaches a lesson of recognizing and accepting our own demons i.e.,, one of them being guilt. It is not something that she could have done but perhaps the type of person she had chosen or the reasons for making the choice that could need scrutiny. It is time to self audit and recognize the choices that led to such a circumstance (how many times did she compromise with an action that harmed her) and what then can be changed within to prevent such an occurrence.

Eva believes “I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason and you must learn your lessons from those visits. You better learn fast from the bad ones or else they will visit you again sometimes in other forms.”

The ten of swords and the empress: There can be no moving on without reawakening love for oneself. In losing the love of her spouse she has learned that she is unworthy of love. The biggest enemy at the time of grief is your own self – giving yourself messages like – this only happens to me? Now that this has happened I have been damaged for life? Quite to the contrary the 10 of swords and the empress teach us to regenerate and rejuvenate our selves. Then 10 of swords herald the end of a false way of seeing a circumstance. So much as you see a man struck down by the swords, the dawn breaks in the distance signaling a new beginning. The empress asks you to nurture yourself and claim the power you may have lost for yourself. The stronger and more nourished you are internally the weaker the enemy shall be.

Eva tells me “I believe that every break up does not necessarily lead to bitterness. It is all about how you feel about yourself at the end of it all. If you walk away with your head held high and yourself respect intact the memories are not necessarily painful. It is only when you realize the lesson that you have learnt from the experience and absorb the benefits thereof can you begin to forgive the persons who hurt you.”

The star: Eva cannot move on without hope. Even in the therapeutic relationships that heal trauma survivors – it is love that heals. Teaching a person to accept love is perhaps one of the hardest tasks possible for a therapist. The star card is your therapist for you - having lost all the star card points you towards hope and healing. Even if sudden magical transformation is not imminent – this card definitely points us towards believing in ourselves and in the healing power of love. It is only love that heals. A love for yourself first, and then for others! Eva heaves a sigh of relief, “I also believe that real love has a calming effect and allows you to blossom as a human being. All consuming passion does just that – consume you.”

The path of moving on is not complete without accepting your own weaknesses. Having assured herself that she will find love, Eva, needs to accept that she can only do so if she does not repeat the mistakes she made previously.

The devil and the magician: When you look to complete what you miss from others (devil) you will land in the hands of temptation and fall prey to the magical manipulations of the magician. Haven’t we found that we always find the same prototype attractive? What if that prototype has left us hurt and exposed. Isn’t it then necessary to question why do we need to get into relationships with people who evidently end up hurting us? Is there a piece of us that we miss? Perhaps, a fear of true intimacy which Eva has explained to herself in the STAR! When building strategies to fortify her weaknesses she needs to use the hope within herself as her source of strength.

She says to herself: “I also believe that I only seem to get a zing from emotionally charged situations. I am not sure IF I can ever find that ZING on a sustained basis with other people. What is beautiful is the fact that the minute I learn this lesson I also have an objective vision to the emotional traps that others can lay for me. I also learn to discern emotional manipulation disguised as deep sorrow. I learn to differentiate true mettle and strength of character from a cleverly concealed act. I come closer to the TRUTH I so believe in. The truth my world is so centered around…”

If we are vulnerable – it is our job to protect ourselves against hurt and abuse. A greater reason to be vigilant before we give all! It is perfectly all right to let the other person earn our love rather than hand it out easy. The stronger your belief in your TRUTH the greater the likelihood of finding a loving and nurturing relationship that offers you true intimacy.

do they see your love...

I have been toying with the idea of what to write about for the past few days. Love is always easy, for a person like me who has toyed with it, grappled with it and suffered as well with it, there is always, a load to say. But I am going to change course this time and write about a lecture I have been delivering for several years now at various schools in Delhi. Career choices – or the lack of choices thereof!

In between, working with others and setting up my own training firm, I worked with a dear friend, on a project very close to our hearts. Helping young people find out what they would like to do. We called it Playshops – it was aimed at helping young people discover aspects of their own talents they had as yet not experienced. We based it on the concept of Multiple Intelligences, a brain child of Dr. Howard Gardner, someone I have always been impressed with. Several such workshops and programs have sprung in this country since but what stays in my mind is the experience of the kids.

As adults, teachers and parents we are very well versed and acutely aware of our experiences & feelings about our children’s choices. The most relaxed and the unstressed parent/guardian has only one summative assessment of this discussion – uncertainty, helplessness and feeling out of control. In one simple word severe ANXIETY. Loud and clear, overwhelmingly so… It is this anxiety about our own helplessness that makes us react in various ways to our children’s choices.

Some of us try to talk and advice our children, some others enroll them in additional coaching, sports, music, dance, art, drama, etc. etc. the list in endless; while yet others try to control TV watching time, on the phone time, face book time, yahoo messenger time, study times, even sleeping times. Frankly whichever route you follow, however cool you think you are, it finally is all about coping with anxiety, and that too our own. This does not mean that we should stop doing what we do as parents, even if I were to suggest, so what? We would not be able to help ourselves. Our concern for our offspring is a nature’s way of telling us that we are parents and it is or job to ensure that the offspring flies away from the nest. So what then can be done to help us? Well, let’s take the first step.

For a brief moment let’s forget about ourselves and think this from the other protagonist’s point of view. Let’s hear our children speak. I am basing this on my work with several adolescents in the past years and of course my own teenage years. I am going to tell you the story of Firoza.

Firoza is a passionate young girl, who loves her dreams and fantasies. She loves her friends, her parents, her sibling and of course her school. She also loves to hang out with her friends, go for movies, and appear cool. It is very important to her that people should appreciate her for who she is but in the heart of hearts she does not really have a grip on who that Firoza really is. In fact she is looking for her. So if you can provide her with an experience that will bring her closer to that truth she will be attracted to you.

She believes that her parents are afraid that she will fail in a multitude of ways – not secure enough marks to get an admission into a great college, maybe not be offered the right choice of subjects in school, will fall in love with the wrong guy and fritter away precious years in frivolous pursuits. She is acutely aware that people watch her and she performs for their benefit. She mirrors what she sees in their eyes. If she sees derision she plays out her worst self, if there is anxiety she will play the devil’s advocate and if there is cynosure she will be defiant. But, the minute she see love and appreciation, she will dissolve into the beautiful little baby you first held in your arms and demand the same love and attention that you are so desperate to give.

The truth is she is extremely sensitive to your dialogues. Firoza came to me for a reading; I met her some years ago at a program and have always felt close to her since. She asked me to find out what her mother and father felt about her. A strange request–I asked her what do you think? – She replied – “of course they love me – but I want to know what they think about me?” The cards were spread – the empress and the 4 of cups followed by the high priestess and the hierophant.

The story was simple her mother loved her with the unconditional, nurturing love of the empress and was an important figure in her life but as yet she felt bored and unsettled (4 of cups). She had a lot going for her in her life symbolized by the 3 cups in front of her and more was being magically offered by the hand but inner discontent prevented her from being able to see it effectively. The high priestess stood for potential as yet undiscovered and a need to develop powers of intuition and natural insight. This clearly indicated the need for her mother to transit from being the nurturing provider alone, to being an “unobtrusive guide” who would help her on the journey of self discovery. This is much like the counselor who helps you hear your internal dialogue without allowing her own personality and reactions to come in the way. The hierophant’s role was that for her father to be a rather more obvious guide or a teacher who would help her make choices without attempting to control the outcome.

I remember this reading as I introspected – how in much in contrast this is to our own methods for controlling the environment for coping with our ANXIETY.

Coming back to Firoza, the cards asked her to address her anxiety through the 8 of swords. They advise that fear of unknown is worse that the fear of a real fear. So we embarked on this exercise – Let’s name it. She made a list of all her fears, here’s what she came up with:

Fear of:

1. Death,
2. Stomach upset,
3. Inability to stay popular,
4. Not being able to hold attention,
5. Not being liked,
6. Being misunderstood,
7. Love and being in love,
8. Loss and partings,
9. Rejection,
10. Being dismissed,
11. Losing people,
12. Being clingy,
13. Being angry,
14. Being hurt,
15. Being aggressive,
16. Trying too hard,
17. Talking too much,
18. Having to explain myself,
19. Having to fight, and
20. Losing when up against someone else.

Are you surprised, no shocked that such a little person can feel so many things? There’s more in store. The tarots went on to advice her to explore what she wanted from her parents specially her mother.

Here’s what Firoza said: “My parents are a part of my life in a million shreds. Their opinions and their voice are a part of my being. There are just those little bits of myself fused with each of these million shreds of my parent’s wishes that just hang together in suspension. These shreds function in a synchrony to make me who I am. If there is a disagreement or a conflict with my parent the synchrony gets disturbed. In fact it is they who have taught me the rhythm to this synchrony. Is it that impossible then to believe that the very thought of being in a disharmony with them can separate the shreds of my being?”

And here we are as parents doubting the impact of our words on our children. Firoza is clearly telling us that above all she likes harmony. In fact she needs to be in harmony. So whatever you may do – career choices, choice of subjects, moral dilemmas – help her keep her balance and be the high priestess to her confused mind. Let her find those little bits of herself in the suspension so that she can soon become a whole.

The tarots always end on two counts – a child is like the fool card. An adolescent is like the Greek God Dyonysus, the god of free spirit, an over-turner of bounds of tradition and restriction. He is like the child discovering life for the first time. He is trusting, innocent and ignorant of the travails that await him and as yet ready to take a leap of faith into the future. Walk with him and you will surprise yourself by what you learn as he travels the path of knowledge, development and self awareness.

As Firoza summed this up beautifully – “I know I want to be a Firoza who stands for the Tarot Cards the Sun, the Star, the Moon and the World! I want to be a person capable of unbridled love – Firoza is a beautiful color – my color that is feminine, happy, charming, ever hopeful and supremely confident. Though I don’t want to be Firoza the stone – because stones are opaque and unmoving and I am translucent and fluid with God alone knows what all that is inside me.”